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The question had me shifting in my seat, eyes tracing the grain of the table while I sorted through my thoughts.
“I haven’t really thought about it, but I don’t hate the idea,” I answered truthfully.
Holden changed the topic of conversation to their plans for the rest of the weekend, and conversation flowed easily for the rest of the night. We ended up going to Holden’s favorite bar after dinner, and it was a great night. But the entire time, Cam’s innocent question kept intruding.
I didn’t want to do the whole long-distance thing with Holden, but could I really see myself moving back to Beacon Hill? The idea wasn’t as awful as it would have been months ago. And it would be nice to live closer to my parents — you know, just in case Daddy fell through another floor. But my whole life was in Savannah. Sure, that life consisted of a job and Maxine and my apartment, but it was still my life.
I cuddled into Holden as soon as we slid into bed later that night, exhausted and a little buzzed, holding onto him even tighter than normal. Suddenly, these moments seemed fleeting, and I wanted to cling to them as tightly as I was clinging to Holden. The future felt unsure, and I hated it. Holden’s heart beat steadily against my ear, his arm holding me to his side. Gradually I relaxed into him, knowing that whatever the future held for us, Holden and I would figure it out together.
Holden St. James didn’t give up on the things he wanted, and for the first time, I was thankful for that St. James arrogance.
37
Iglanced at the clock for the eight hundredth time this morning. The day was finally here. Macon and Sissy had gotten home on Friday — an entire week later than they were supposed to have returned from their two-week honeymoon. They’d had a layover in Paris on their way back from the Maldives, and Sissy “just fell in love with the city.” My guess was that she spent all her time sightseeing at the designer stores on the Champs Élysées. Clearly, I wasn’t jealous at all.
Holden had scheduled a meeting with the partners to officially announce that he was stepping away from the firm to take the city solicitor position. The meeting was scheduled for one this afternoon, and I had been watching the time inch closer and closer to one since I’d sat down at my desk this morning. Needless to say, my productivity levels were at an all-time low.
“Okay,” I announced, locking my computer and grabbing my purse. “I’m heading out. Does anyone want me to bring them back coffee?”
“Yes!” Max’s head whipped up. “A large honey-lavender latte please.”
“Jin?” I turned to him, flinging my purse strap over my shoulder.
“A chai tea latte, please and thank you.” He hesitated before adding, “I also would not hate one of those banana chocolate chip muffins.”
“Got it. Text me if you want anything else.”
“You’re the best,” Max called out as I walked away. “And tell Holden we said good luck!”
I wanted to surprise him with his favorite coffee since I knew — thanks to the size of my full bed— that he hadn’t slept well last night, and he had been looking uncharacteristically stressed this morning. My plan was to use my lunch break to deliver the coffee before his meeting, and I had also whipped up a little pep talk. I even had a playlist waiting on my phone just in case he needed a little extra encouragement.
As I made my way toward his building, I sent him a text asking how he was doing — a covert strategy to make sure he was in his office and that I wouldn’t be interrupting anything. He responded that he was going to spend his lunch hour getting some work done to distract him. Mentally giving myself a high five, I popped in my earbuds and made my way the two blocks to the café near his office, going over my checklist. There was a bottle of champagne in my fridge that I had splurged on with Tom’s help, and I was going to attempt to cook him a steak dinner — again, with instructions from Tom. Thankfully, Holden used the same passcode for everything, so I had been able to break into his phone to get Tom’s number for my sneaky planning. He’d been so helpful.
The café wasn’t super busy, so I was in and out with his coffee in under ten minutes. I breezed into his building, waving at the receptionist and security guard on my way to the elevators. I’d been in so much lately that I was on a first-name basis with the entire front desk staff, and they’d just started signing in for me. I dropped my earbuds into my purse on the short ride up, excitedly anticipating the look of surprise on Holden’s face when he saw me. I loved the way he always looked happy to see me, surprise or not.
“Hi, Janet, how are you today?” I greeted his secretary, pausing outside his closed door.
“Sutton! I didn’t expect to see you today.” She glanced at the closed door, brow furrowed. “Why don’t you wait out here for a minute and I’ll let Holden know you’re here.”
“Is he in a meeting?”
“Uh, well, not exactly...”
“Oh, great,” I interrupted, too excited to linger. “he’s expecting me, so it’s fine. Thank you, though.” I gave a warning knock before turning the knob and pushing it open.
I stood, shock vibrating through me as I took in the scene I had just walked in on.
Sissy was sitting on Holden’s lap, her hand wrapped around his tie and his hand on her hip. Holden’s eyes widened, and his hands shot up in the air, palms facing toward me. Sissy’s expression slowly transformed from one of shock to delight, her red lips curling into an evil grin.
I wanted to vomit. I wanted to sob. I wanted to scream at them both.
Instead, I mumbled an apology and turned on my heel, closing the door behind me.
“Sutton!” I heard Holden bark out my name.
I stood outside the door, frozen in horror and fully aware of Janet’s sympathetic eyes on me the entire time. I laughed, the sound wet and ugly. Here I was in almost the same situation I had been in all those summers ago, about to run from the wreckage Sissy had created. Only this time it hurt so, so much more. The hurt was almost impossible. I heard a crash from the other side of the door and it jolted me into motion. I hurried back to the elevator, pushing the call button repeatedly, like my frantic efforts could somehow summon it faster.
As I watched the numbers change showing the progress of the elevator as it climbed, something shifted in me. This wasn’t me.
