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There was a hitch in his voice as he asked, “Sean finding out about us was supposed to be our beginning—not our end.”
Those words hit me hard, and I felt as miserable as I had yesterday all over again.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
Chris’s voice sounded broken. “I shouldn’t have left yesterday. Should have stayed to talk.”
“I should have trusted you,” I admitted.
The silence stretched out until Chris finally said, “But you don’t.”
I sobbed. “IthinkI do, and then I start thinking about everything, and . . . I want to, Chris, more than anything. But maybe I’m just not capable of it.”
“I don’t believe that,” he said. “Not for a minute.”
“Because you don’t want to. Doesn’t mean it’s true. I think maybe I’m just broken.”
“Stop it, Sav. You’re not broken. It’s been a difficult situation, keeping it from Sean, worrying about who might find out what. We made this hard on ourselves, and especially on you. Now that we don’t have to pretend anymore, it’ll be okay. We’ll get through this.”
“I don’t know,” was all I could choke out. I wanted that more than anything, but it seemed like any faith I had in myself when it came to Chris had disappeared overnight.
“Sav? What are you saying?”
I could barely get the words. “I think . . . maybe we should . . .”
“No, baby. Please. Don’t walk away from this. We’re just getting started.”
I could hear the desperation in his voice, and it broke my heart. But my fears kept me from giving in. The hated memory of Chris pushing me away after our kiss four years ago started playing in my mind.
If this was going to end in tears no matter how hard I tried, wouldn’t it be better if I was the one to end it this time?
I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It hurt too much. I’d need time to find the strength to face the pain that was going to cause us both. “I can’t talk about this right now, Chris. I’m sorry. I’ll . . . we’ll talk later.”
“Sav—”
I hung up and sat there, picturing the pain in his eyes when I couldn’t tell him that I trusted him in front of the bookstore.
You should let him go. You don’t deserve him.
“But I’m in love with him,” I whispered out loud, trying to silence the hateful voices in my head.
I loved him, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to handle having him working upstairs and watching him leave without me every night.
I hoped some wild thought or bright idea that would make everything okay would pop into my head. I didn’t want to end things, but I felt like I needed to for both our sakes.
I needed a fairy godmother to fix things for me, someone to wave a wand and take back the last entire day as if it had never happened.
Instead, I had Penny, who had put Olivia down for a nap and reappeared in the living room to see me crying into my coffee.
“Is it too early in the day for wine?” I said, trying to laugh through a sob. She sat on the couch and pulled me into a tight hug.
35
CHRIS
My phone callwith Sav didn’t go the way I’d hoped. I couldn’t believe that just when I’d finally found her again and faced my feelings for her, it was going to be over.
I’d come home the night before, sulking about her not trusting me as much as I wanted her to. I’d been hurt, both by her and Sean. I wallowed in it a little.
