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“I wanted to stop and talk to you earlier, but I didn’t think that was the best place to linger,” I say, putting the roller down and wiping my hands on my work pants.
“I figured.” She doesn’t move. “What were you doing there, Nolan?”
I pause, gathering my thoughts. It’s a good question, and it’s not one I have an easy answer for. The idea to visit Jamila’s family came to me suddenly, like a fever dream, but once it was lodged into my head, I couldn’t get it out again.
“I wanted her to see the man that I’ve become.” It’s strange to say out loud. I feel vulnerable, too vulnerable. But if I can’t be vulnerable with my wife, then when can I ever let this feeling out into the world?
“That’s strange. You don’t even know her.”
“I remember her from back then. She was the one that led the negotiations with Carson. He had nothing but good things to say, and I hoped—” I stop, not sure how to explain.
“You hoped she’d understand.”
I move closer to her. “I didn’t expect forgiveness, and she didn’t offer it. But she knows why these things happen. I needed her to know that I wasn’t in control back then. I wasn’t the one that chose to attack her family. My boss ordered it, and I was a young man trying to prove myself to a father that never much gave a shit about me. I did my job out of duty, never out of pleasure. I did it to protect my men and my organization. I wanted her to know that.”
Keely wipes her face. I realize she’s crying, and my stomach twists with concern. When I move closer, she holds up a hand. “I’m fine. Okay? I’m fine. Just picturing the young version of you.”
“I was stupid back then. Bloodier than I needed to be. Desperate to prove myself.”
“I understand that better than you can guess.” She whispers the words. “I would’ve done anything to make my parents proud of me.” She talks about being a mistake, about how her parents never let her forget it. How her mother even said she would’ve been better off if she had aborted her daughter. It kills me, imagining the young Keely coming to grips with her own mother’s disdain, knowing there was nothing she could’ve done about it, and still hating herself for it. It makes me want to track her parents down and murder them both. But that’s probably counterproductive.
“They never should’ve treated you that way. Your parents, they didn’t deserve a daughter like you.”
She wipes her tears again, smiling. “Thanks, but I wasn’t anything special.”
“You are special. You are my something, my everything.”
“Nolan.” Her voice chokes. “I told you all that so you’d understand. This baby, I don’t want them to grow up like I did, with a dad who resents them.”
“I would never.” My hands ball into fists. I feel my temper start to flare, but I push it back. This isn’t the time to get angry—she has a right to feel this way. “I don’t care if that baby wasn’t planned. That doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is loving that child and building a family. What did I tell you when this started? What was I looking for?”
“I’m not your purpose, Nolan.”
“I don’t care if you think you are or not. All I know is I will be in my child’s life. I want to be their father, and I want to be the man you need.”
She starts crying harder. I move closer, but she backs away. “This baby is a mistake. Just like I was a mistake. You’re really telling me that doesn’t matter?”
“You arenota mistake. And our baby wasn’t a mistake either. Planned or not, this baby is a fucking miracle, and I’mnevergoing to leave either of you.”
“Nolan—”
“That baby is a gift.” I advance on her, unable to stop myself. She remains pressed against the wall, staring at me with tears running down her face. “You are a gift, Keely. You are my wife.”
“Please—”
To hell with talking.
I grab her by the hips. Pull her against me. And kiss her.
She gasps into the kiss. She’s tense at first, and I can taste the salty tears on her lips, but I hold her tight and won’t let go. Soon, she eases into it, kissing me back with a fervor. I groan, heart pulsing, desire rushing into my skin. I’ve needed this so badly, like a drink in a desert.
But as quickly as it happened, she pulls away, and slips from my grasp. “I can’t,” she says.
“Keely.”
“Just give me some time, okay? I need to think.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
