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“Yeah, well, he was a monster that made all the decisions. What if I get this wrong? What if leaving is a bad idea?”
My heart is pounding, and a bead of sweat runs down my back. If I don’t get it together, I won’t be able to breathe.
She takes my hand and squeezes. “It’s okay to be scared. But you never wanted to live in the city. We both know that. Do something you want to do for a change. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.”
She makes it sound so easy, simple.
When none of this is either of those things.
“I hate to break it to you, but you have a lunch date with mother dearest right now, and if you don’t leave soon, you’re going to be late.”
I throw my head back with a groan. “Jesus fucking Christ. Kill me,” I beg, not completely sure I’m joking. “It would be easier than sitting through lunch with that woman.”
She rolls her shoulders straight and pouts, her lips stiff. I know exactly what she’s doing. “Honestly, dear,” she mocks in my mother’s voice. “You always find something to complain about. Now please brush your hair. Be presentable. Always be presentable, Bethany Rose. You don’t want to miss the opportunity to marry a rich man and leave your children behind.”
We laugh because it’s sad.
“You sure you don’t want to come? When is the last time you saw her?”
“Just after you moved to London, and I would rather pull my eyelashes out than sit at a table with her. But I’m curious. I want to know what she wants.”
I don’t want to go either, but I can give her an hour of my time. I wish I had Kim’s strength because she cut ties a long time ago. There’s barely a thread keeping me and my mother’s relationship together, but I can’t seem to sever it. I should. I know I should. She’s not healthy.
But unlike Kim, I didn’t have the luxury of moving out of state. I married into a powerful family with a good name. My mother clung to me like a lifeline over those years.
I wanted to do the same, but I’m afraid my mother allowed me to drown.
When my marriage went to shit, she was the only one I had, so I told her. I bled out with her in front of me.
Her advice: “No marriage is perfect, Beth. Women make sacrifices. You need to stand straight and get on with it.”
It’s hard to stand straight with broken ribs.
“Now go.” Kim nudges me. “I’ll stay here with the children and keep away from the wicked witch.”
Six
Iwonder if everyone breaks out in a sweat when going to visit their mother because, although my visits are rare, this pounding heart always accompanies them.
I knew something was wrong when she called me yesterday and asked me to come for lunch. My mother has avoided her children since we were in diapers. And she asked for just me. Not the kids. I would be insulted if I didn’t know her so well.
I wouldn’t have brought the girls anyway. Having spent my life around her, I know there’s only so long she can keep her negativity concealed in her chest before she releases her talons and digs. The girls don’t need that.
The gates open before I have a chance to fully stop the car at the intercom.
I stare at the upstate Victorian mansion and do what I always do when I come here. I try to conjure childhood memories I don’t have. I imagine a different world where my mother is so excited to see me, she’s already outside and standing on the steps before I get out of the car.
But I’m not in that world. I’m in this one where the house brings nothing but nerves, and I see only bricks and water surrounded by well landscaped lawns.
It’s a far cry from how I grew up with my father in our two-bedroom apartment. We struggled, but he hid it well. It got easier when I got older, and he got a promotion in the firm he worked for. We survived and we were happy. I was loved beyond belief by at least one of my parents.
Inhaling a steadying breath, I give myself the once over in the rear-view mirror. The less I give her to pick apart the better.
It takes a long minute of me throwing my head back and cursing into thin air to finally get out of the car.
Why did I even agree to this?
I know why, because curiosity killed the cat and when my mother texted this morning to remind me of this lunch, she ended the text with kisses. I almost passed out from shock and an uneasiness settled in my stomach. It’s remained that way ever since.
