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"How about some avocado toast, and some green tea? The avocados delivered this morning with my grocery order are perfect, not mushy or too hard."
"I see you have some artisan bread. It looks so good, and I'm starved," I replied, setting Jonathan down in his highchair.
As Ariel busied herself fixing our lunch and I fed Jonathan, I wondered how long it would take for her to ask me about Chase. No one on the planet could have overlooked his Escalade parked in front of the guest house after everyone had gone home the other evening — especially not her. After chatting about my course and how the men were working on the new project for the state, Ariel finally got around to asking about Chase and me. “So you want the juicy stuff,” I teased, scooping up another spoonful of oatmeal and shoveling it into Jonathan's mouth.
"It's been tough. I didn't want to be Captain Obvious. But since you brought it up, go ahead and fill me in." Ariel snickered.
"To tell you the truth...." I admitted my plans for wanting to get revenge for Chase ruining our first date. And how I had thought a lot about my feelings for him after the party, deciding to give him a second chance. "I'm sure you noticed he came over for a visit last night, didn't you?"
"Of course. I'm not blind.... and neither is Guy."
"Oh, God! Don't tell me my brother is trying to manipulate things.... or he's up to his old tricks again,” I hissed.
"Come on, Meagan. You've known your brother longer than I have. Of course, he's up to his old tricks. He loves you and only wants the best for your future."
"I'm sorry, Ariel. I really appreciate all you and Guy are doing for me. But, as you can see, I revert back to my old ways sometimes." I wiped Jonathan's face and gave him a drink of juice from his sippy cup before continuing, “Chase and I talked about this kind of stuff last night."
"No worries. We understand completely and love you so much! Now, let me put Jonathan down for his nap before I toast the bread. I'll be a few minutes. He likes to nurse before he falls asleep,” Ariel said smiling.
As I observed Ariel leaving to tuck her son into bed, the envy pent up deep inside my soul started to come to life. The only female family member I had to discuss my issues with was Ariel. The thought of bringing up my negative emotions scared me to think I could create an irreparable rift between us.
I had always dreamed of having a family of my own. Yet, after the kidnapping incident, it was going to be impossible to carry a child.
Suddenly, my heart began to pound, and my hands started to sweat. "No, please, not now!" I slumped in the chair, put my hands on my thighs, and took deep breaths. I didn't want Ariel to witness this version of me — she would undoubtedly fret and push for me to take some medication or phone my therapist. However, I couldn't just surrender any longer. After talking things out with Chase, I was resolved to get a handle on my emotions — meds or not.
The sounds of Ariel returning to the kitchen snapped me out of my trance, and I quickly rushed to the sink to freshen my face. “Back so soon?” I asked, grinning.
"Yes, you wore him out with all that dancing." Ariel laughed. She proceeded to place the freshly toasted bread on the table and pulled out a chair for me. "Come, let's eat."
After several minutes of me filling Ariel in on the details of Chase's visit, there was a pause in the action, so I sighed and dove into the dark waters of my gnawing envy. "Hey, I have something that's been eating at me since I woke up enough in the rehab center to know what had happened. But before I say anything, I need to make a pack with you."
"Sure, but what kind of pack?" Ariel asked, tilting her head to one side, studying me closely.
"The safe place pack. We give each other a place to talk honestly without being judged or holding grudges."
"Sure, Guy and I do that all the time.... and it works," Ariel said with a smile. "What do you need to talk about?"
I sighed and looked Ariel straight in the eyes before saying, "It's about seeing you with Jonathan... and how I'm really jealous of your life. I mean, not all of it. I guess I'm envious that you had Jonathan after the doctor said your chances of getting pregnant were slim."
Ariel closed her eyes for a moment before saying, "Oh wow. That's a lot to process. But I'm glad you felt safe enough to discuss this with me." She reached across the table and grabbed my hands in hers. "I have something that needs to be said, and I need you to believe me."
Ariel held my gaze as she continued, "No matter what happened before or what the doctors said, I believe in you. I've seen your strength and resilience. If you truly want a family someday, you’ll make it happen."
My eyes started to water as Ariel's words sunk in. "That's so unbelievably sweet of you. But you know, as long as I'm taking the medications… congenital disabilities are a real issue. So, the doctor insisted that I get a new Nexplanon implant before I left the rehab center. He told me I would eventually want to have sex. Still, I needed to take precautions no matter what, and if I wanted kids, adoption or using a surrogate were great options.”
Ariel smiled, her eyes radiating with understanding. "Well, I think it's admirable that you're taking the necessary precautions to protect yourself and any potential kids," she said. "And hey, it's not like you and Chase are at the point in your relationship to what kids, are you?”
I shook my head and returned her smile. "No, we're not even close," I said. "We just started dating."
"See? You don't need to worry about that right now." Ariel chuckled. She squeezed my hands again before getting up from the table. "Want some ice cream?"
I nodded and watched as she gave me a double scoop of mint chocolate chip, grateful for a safe place to talk and that she had put me at ease. I exhaled loudly. "Thanks, Ariel, for your understanding. We've been best friends for so many years, and now you're my sister-in-law too. I feel so much better, Ariel, thank you again.”
Ariel handed me the dish of ice cream and made one for herself. "You can borrow Jonathan anytime. And I mean anytime. Honestly, I'd like to get back to writing again. Hearing you talk about grant writing is making me jealous."
We both giggled, and just like that, a heavy weight was lifted from my chest.
Immediately, we shifted the conversation to Guy's vineyard and their decision to build a commercial winery instead of it remaining as just a hobby. After we were deep into planning, my phone vibrated, and I anticipated Chase would be on the other end. Instead, to my dismay, it was my therapist calling.
