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She swiped her jaw, sweat standing out on her face from the rising July heat hitting the region. What to do? There were no options. Hunter would have her ass in a sling if she screwed this op up. And he’d have every right to do so. And then, Lauren realized the enormity of what Kazak had just done by going to Hunter, requesting to be removed. He was their newest member here at Shield. He still had to prove himself. To go in and ask to be relieved on his very first mission sent a very bad message to Hunter. Even though they were no longer in the military, Shield was run as if they were.
She groaned inwardly, shutting her eyes for a moment. Alex had literally put his job on the line for her. Lauren felt pulled in two different directions inwardly. He did NOT deserve to be fired for what he’d just done. And, as far as she could tell, it looked as if Hunter had ordered them to kiss and make up. Some relief trickled through her. Lauren turned, walking back toward the Ukrainian. He remained in his crouch, balanced on the toes of his boots, long arms resting relaxed across his thick, long thighs. Licking her lower lip, she asked, “Did Hunter threaten to fire you?”
Surprised, Alex said, “Uhh… no. Why?” Lauren’s expression was suddenly readable to him. She wasn’t hiding behind that game face of hers anymore. He sensed her worry, concern and anger. At least that sense of hatred wasn’t there right now and he drew in a deep, grateful breath.
“You do realize by going in there and asking Hunter to remove you from this op, he could have kicked your ass right out of Shield? Fired you?”
Giving a slow nod, Alex watched Lauren’s face closely. She was concerned for him. That touched him deeply. It surprised him because she’d never shown any care toward him. Not even as a fellow employee. Her mouth, that sinner’s mouth of hers, was pursed. He could feel her thinking, balancing something, but he didn’t know what. So, he remained patient and quiet.
“You knew I asked to have you removed.”
“I found out when I went to Mr. Hunter’s office. He said, ‘you too?’”
“But you made your request anyway?”
“Of course.”
“What do you mean, ‘of course’?!” Lauren demanded, striding closer to him. “You had no reason to do that! You could have lost your job!”
Her breathing was ragged, her nostrils flared and her face red with anger as she glared down at him. Alex maintained his calm. Lauren was certainly a wild, temperamental steppe pony, no question. “I do not like to see you suffer. When I am around you, I feel pain in you, Lauren. I do not know where it comes from; only that I cause it.” Alex frowned and shook his head. “I do not know what I have done to you to make you react like this toward me. I did not want to see you in pain during this op. I do not wish to continue to hurt you.”
Growling in frustration, Lauren’s heart tore open over his simply-spoken words, the honest unvarnished truth in his eyes, his large hands open toward her in supplication. Maybe as an apology for breathing.Shit!She stormed away, walking a good hundred feet before she stopped, breathing erratically. How bad did she want a job here at Shield? The military was all she had ever known since age eighteen. It had saved her life. Given her goals. Aspired dreams within her of being like her Marine Corps sniper father, who had been a real hero. Lauren knew she had to make this work. If she fucked up on the op, Hunter would go after her. Rightfully so. She was the one wanting out. Alex had put himself in the line of fire to protect her in his own way.Damn.Running her fingers through the hair by her temple, Lauren tried desperately to sort all this out in her mind.
Alex was a man of integrity. He had morals. Values. She hadn’t known he’d nearly died, nearly given his life, in order for Sky and Cal to escape Vlad Alexandrov and his thugs. He’d shown a loyalty that Lauren respected. Her two best friends wouldn’t be here if that Ukrainian crouched on the ground behind her, begging her to try and work things out with him, hadn’t stepped in and nearly sacrificed himself for them. She felt horrible about how she’d been treating Alex. Wearily, Lauren rubbed her face. She turned, slowly walking back to him.
“Get up,” she growled, gesturing sharply for him to rise. Lauren halted, watching him slowly unwind upwards, all male grace. Alex’s face was open. He trusted her. She didn’t trust him. Licking her lower lip, Lauren tried to sound reasonable, not angry as she usually sounded toward him. “I don’t hate you. I never did. It’s just… that… well…” and she choked, her throat tightening up. Dammit! Her emotions were running rampant through her, out of her control. Being around this big Ukrainian always made her feel like he was dismantling the walls that had shielded her up until now, from everything and everyone. She shut her eyes, wrestling to get the words out.
“Someone hurt you very badly, Lauren.”
His low voice filtered in through all her turmoil. A voice filled with sympathy, understanding. She snapped her head up, her eyes narrowing on his. All she saw in Alex’s hazel eyes was compassion. For her. “How…,” she croaked. “How could you know?” and that scared her even more. Was this guy a telepath? Reading her mind? Lauren never wanted anyone to know what she’d lived through. What she’d survived. And yet, the kind expression on Alex’s face, the look in his eyes, made her tremble inwardly. Even worse, tears burned at the back of her eyes. Lauren blinked a couple of times, willing them away.
“I have watched you with other men. I know you work with them, but you are never tense or angry around them. Only when I walk in, do you go on guard.” Alex wasn’t about to tell her what Cal had told him. That would break a loyalty between them, and he wasn’t going to let that happen. “I feel… sense… a man, perhaps my size, hurt you very badly, Lauren. It is the only logical reason for your consistent reaction toward me. I have never given you cause to be afraid of me. Or angry. I have always treated you with the respect you deserve.”
Lauren whirled around away from him, her eyes tightly shut. She felt a fist of emotion shoving up through her, shutting off her breathing. Her heart felt like a tortured animal in her chest, so much pain radiating outward around it. Pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes, she forced herself back under control. Finally, and she didn’t know how long it had taken, she slowly turned back toward Alex. He was standing exactly where she’d left him. His hands were loose and relaxed at his sides. His expression was kind, but now concerned. He was concerned about her.
She cleared her throat and walked closer. “Okay,” she rasped, her voice coming out strained, “You’re right, and that’s all I’ll ever say about it. And don’t ever bring it up to me again. Not EVER.”
“Okay,” Alex agreed gently. He saw the terror, the anguish, in her stormy gray eyes. Heard it in her husky voice. He knew Lauren was struggling to be honest and fair toward him. She knew she had to make this op work, too. For both their sakes, but for different reasons. “What can I do to help you then? I do not mean to scare you. Is it my gestures are too fast? Or coming up behind you and you do not hear me approach? Tell me, Lauren, and I will change it.” And he would. Alex would give her his life if that’s what she wanted, but he could never know that. So much stood in the way between them. Her past, whatever it contained, was a mountain range between them, not just a wall. Alex had no hope it could ever be crested. And that gutted him. Because he felt like a man without water, and Lauren was water to drink, to allow him to live, not just exist. He’d never met anyone like her, and the moment he’d seen her, he’d secretly given her his heart.
Giving a jerky nod, Lauren whispered, “Yes, to all of those. You can’t come up behind me. It scares the living hell out of me.”
“Okay, I will not,” he promised her solemnly. “What else?”
“No sharp gestures if you can help it.” She closed her eyes, remembering. Not wanting to remember. Sharp movements of her foster father’s hands, pinning her arms above her head, stopping her from striking out to try and get away from him…
“You know we are married under cover. How…,” he groped with words again, “how will you feel if I touch you out in public?”
Yeah, Lauren thought, they are supposed to be a happily-married couple. That was a complete joke. “It’s okay if you put your arm around me every once in a while.”
“Kiss you?” Alex wanted so badly to do that. But he saw the disgust come to her eyes. “Well, perhaps a kiss on the hair,” and he gestured toward his head, “to give the appearance?”
“That would be okay. Not often.” Because Lauren knew if Alex kissed her mouth, her whole carefully-constructed inner world would explode and fall apart around her. She was drawn to the Ukrainian. Didn’t know why. Never had been drawn to a man before him. And she didn’t know how to handle it, or how to deal with Alex. She was more afraid of herself, if he kissed her, than of him.
“We must be in the same room together.”
Nodding, Lauren shrugged wearily. “I won’t sleep with you.” Then why did she feel such intense, unexpected longing to be in his arms, to be held by him? It staggered her, and Lauren had no defense against the yearning hunger that was now coming to life within her.
“No… of course not. I will take the floor. You take the bed. Yes?” and Alex saw just how exhausted she really was because Lauren completely dropped those shields of hers. Alex saw a woman who had been pushed into a corner and was now trapped. And there was no way out for her. It would be like going to the dentist and getting a tooth drilled without Novocain, he thought.
