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I wish she would’ve that night.
Meredith’s boss approached her casket slowly. I recognized him. He’d been at our wedding. He’d come to our holiday parties. He’d come to our house to check in when Emma was born. Drake was a good guy, a good boss. He cared about his employees, and when he said their company was like a family, he seemed to be the only boss on the planet who actually meant it.
He kneeled by her casket, his head hanging as he whispered something only she could hear. I wondered what he told her.
Maybe that he was sorry she was gone. Maybe he was telling her he’d always watch out for Emma. Maybe he was telling her it should’ve been him that died, not her.
Or maybe those were all my words I knew I should be whispering to her dead body, but I couldn’t make myself go anywhere near her casket. Once I saw her in there, it was over. Everything was real. I’d know it wasn’t some sick April fool's joke she was playing on me.
She would be dead, and I would be here, left to raise our daughter alone.
I turned back toward Emma, staring at her as she bounced her unicorn on Reagan’s leg. Rae and Cora were in a hushed argument, because of course they were. They couldn’t be in the same room longer than a few minutes without being at each other’s throat.
A part of me wished they could’ve waited until after the funeral was totally over to bicker. But another part felt lighter knowing things weren’t going to totally change.
“Sorry for your loss.” Drake’s thick, gruff voice startled me, and I turned to face him. “She was—” He roughly cleared his throat. “She was a wonderful woman. One of the best I’ve ever known.” I nodded my thanks, just like I had with everyone else. “I can’t believe this.”
He sat beside me on the pew and braced his elbows on his knees. I stared at him, my dry eyes widening as he seemed to break more than I ever had.
“She was so young,” he muttered, hanging his head.
“She was thirty-five,” I said, and he nodded.
“Young,” he repeated. “Her life was just beginning.”
I didn’t know about that. She’d already lived a thousand lives. She’d been the student-body president of her high school and graduated as valedictorian. She’d excelled in college, graduating at the top of her class. She’d gotten a job right out of school and moved up the ranks quickly.
She’d had two long-term boyfriends, both of whom she’d dumped when things got too serious.
Then she met me.
I wasn’t supposed to stick around forever. We were just friends at first, just hanging out. We were casual. Then she got pregnant, and things got real. So, I asked her to marry me. That was what I was supposed to do, right? Marry the mother of my child.
And it was great at first. When things were good, they were great. But when they were bad…they were awful.
“She was about to get a promotion,” Drake said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I don’t know who could take her place. It doesn’t feel right giving the position to anyone else.” He pinched between his eyes.
I hesitated before resting my clammy hand on his back. “You’ll find someone else,” I muttered. He dipped his chin slightly, barely enough to call it a nod.
“She was the best,” he choked out as I dropped my hand away.
“Yeah.” It was the only word I could manage.
He heaved out a breath as he straightened his spine. His eyes met mine, and he gave me a tight-lipped smile.
“I should be consoling you,” he said. “How are you holding up? Emma?” He turned to look at her.
Reagan hugged her tightly, her eyes squeezed shut as Emma tipped her unicorn back and forth, pretending it was flying.
“She’s okay,” I rasped. “She’ll be okay.” He nodded mindlessly as he watched my daughter.
“She’s a good kid,” he whispered. “Looks like her mom.” I pressed my lips together.
“Just like her,” I agreed, and hated myself for hoping that’s where their similarities ended.
Drake shoved to his feet, wiping his hands down the front of his slacks, before he gripped my hand tightly. His eyes bored into mine as he gave me a slight shake.
“See you around, Eli,” he said. “And sorry for your loss.” I nodded my thanks again, just as I had to everyone before him and will to everyone after.
