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"Alright," he finally said. "I—I'll see you around, Rae." With that, he hung up.
I knew I did the right thing, that I'd let him down as gently as I could. But I hated doing it. I should've never gotten involved with him in the first place. I knew that then but I did it anyway. And now he was hurting because of me.
Breathing deeply, I scrubbed my hands over my face. Why was this so hard? Why did I fuck everything up all the time? I just wanted to make everyone happy, yet I always seemed to make them upset. Usually with me.
My mind drifted back to Eli and the way he'd looked so betrayed at the mention of traveling. He'd said he wouldn't ask me to give it up, but I knew he wanted it. Not that he wanted to stifle me, but he was older and already settled in his life. And I was still young and—that was just an excuse I'd told myself for not settling down.
I was young, but that didn't mean I had to travel the world. I didn't have to give up a good man and a good life because I was too scared to commit.
But it wasn't fear of commitment that held me back from fully giving myself to him. It was fear of abandonment. It was fear of losing him when he found out I was just a sham, that I wasn't really as great as he thought I was. I couldn't survive seeing the softness leech from his eyes when he looked at me.
Maybe it would be better to break things off before we could get too serious.
That didn't feel right either, though. I was already way past feeling too serious for him. I was head over heels, and that was terrifying.
Sure he liked fucking me, he liked holding me and saying sweet things, but other than that, did he like me? Or was I an easy, convenient lay for him? Would he do this with anyone, or was I special?
The unsurety of it all made me feel sick. Maybe we needed to really establish our relationship before I fell any harder. Or maybe I needed to keep a wall between us and just enjoy the ride he was taking me on.
25
elliot
I staredat Reagan across the table, watching as she brought her glass to her lips and wrapped them around her straw, taking a sip of water. My cock thickened at the sight, at the memory of her lips wrapped around me this afternoon.
Then I'd fucked everything up by being weird and running away instead of just talking to her like a normal person. I should've just told her I didn't want her to leave. But that felt selfish, and I panicked.
I didn't want her to resent me for holding her back, but the thought of watching her get on a plane to fly across the world made my caveman brain rage. I didn't want her to leave. I wanted her right by my side.
If I had it my way, she'd never leave my sight.
Ever.
I'd take her to work with me and sit her in the corner, watching her play with Emma as I tapped away at my computer. Then we'd come home, and I'd sit at the table while I watched her cook, or I'd stand in the doorway while she showered. I'd follow her around like a lost puppy, and be unembarrassed by it.
But I needed to rein it back and stop being such a possessive psycho. She just brought this side out in me and I'd felt nothing like it before.
Which should've told me to take a step back, but I didn't want to. I wanted to steamroll ahead. I wanted to claim every bit of her mind, body, and soul. I wanted to consume her until all that was left was us. Just...us.
"Sir?"
I blinked a few times, clearing my mind of everything as I turned my attention to the server. I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat, smiling tightly at her.
"I'm sorry," I laughed. "What did you say?" She gave me a polite smile, her hands clutching the little black leather booklet in front of her.
"I said to take your time," she said, setting it in front of me. I nodded my thanks as I pulled my wallet from my pocket, purposefully avoiding Reagan's all-knowing gaze.
The server hurried away before I could hand the book back to her with my credit card in it. Instead, I stared down at it, silently hoping she'd come back soon.
"Eli?" I forced myself to take a deep breath before looking up at Rae. "You okay?" We'd been awkward all evening. Tiptoeing around each other and avoiding any topics that were too heavy.
"I'm fine, angel," I murmured, reaching out to grab her hand. I ran my thumb along the back of it, giving her a tight smile. She tried to return it, but it was too strained to be genuine.
"Ice cream!" Emma cried, and I snatched my hand back. Fuck. Even if she was just a kid, she was too observant for her own good. I needed to be more careful around Reagan while she was around. At least until we figured out what was happening between us. The last thing we needed was Emma telling everyone that her dad was too touchy with her aunt.
"Tomorrow," I said, and Emma jutted her lip out. "You already had dessert."
"More!" She turned toward Reagan as if she'd help her. Reagan gave me a guilty smile, her cheeks staining pink. I held my breath and waited for her to give Emma the go-ahead.
