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My stomach twisted further.
I didn't want anything to happen—I didn't want to lose Eli, but I was terrified that our conversation earlier was the start of it. The start of him pulling away and ending things before they even began.
"You look beautiful," I said to her as she bounced on her toes.
"I know." She ran her hand over her braid again, her other arm clutching Uni tightly to her chest. I laughed as I reached for her, digging my fingers into her ribs and tickling her.
"Oh, you know, do you?" She squealed with laughter, making me forget about the heaviness I just felt and laugh with her.
"Stop!" she cried, shoving at me with her little hands. Her eyes crinkled shut as she laughed harder.
The abrupt sound of my phone ringing pulled the smile from my face and my hands fell away. She breathed heavily as she continued giggling to herself, dramatically wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"Wanna finger paint?" I asked. Her eyes snapped open wide as she nodded.
"Please," she put prayer hands up, "please!"
"Change clothes," I laughed, pointing at her door. Before the words were fully out of my mouth, she turned and sprinted for her bedroom.
I grabbed my phone from beside me and groaned. I didn't want to talk to him.
"Hey, Benji," I said as I answered, forcing my voice to come out light and not strained.
"Hey." He sounded way too happy, and it made me uneasy. "I haven't heard from you in a few days. Just checking in." I winced.
Yeah, he'd texted me, but I kept conveniently forgetting to reply.
"Oh, just busy," I lied, huffing out a laugh. I pushed to my feet and paced in front of the couch.
"Yeah, the diner has been insane." I chewed on my lip as I paused, my free hand braced on my hip. "So, anyway," he drew the word out, "I thought we could do a movie night at my place. What do you say?"
I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew this was coming. Pacing again, I tried to find the right words.
"Benji," I sighed. "I'd love to, but I don't think this is going to work out anymore." There was a long pause and I held my breath, waiting for his reply. He roughly cleared his throat, and I winced.
"Um, okay," he rasped. "Can I ask why?" I chewed on my lip until I felt the skin peel off. I licked the blood from it, my stomach in a tight ball of anxiety.
"You know," I said, flailing my hand through the air. "I'm so busy, and you have to work. And—"
"If this is about Lotus, it's fine," he rushed out. "We can make it work. I don't mind waiting for you to come back." I shoved my hand through my hair.
"I don't know if I'd want to come back," I admitted, the truth settling in my belly like lead bricks.
"We can still make it work." He had a weird mix of hope and urgency in his voice, and it broke my heart.
A part of me wanted to tell him it didn't matter, that I didn't want him, anyway. That I had Eli now. But I couldn't say that. I couldn't tell anyone about this weird relationship that wasn't really a relationship with Eli. No one would understand and I knew they'd have negative comments, and it was still so new and fragile, and felt like we were already on the brink of shattering everything—no. I couldn't tell anyone.
"Benji," I whispered. "I'd love for you to be my friend, but that's it." I closed my eyes again, breathing through the emotions. I hated hurting him. It was never my intention. I thought we'd have a fling, and that meant not catching feelings for each other. And I didn't, but maybe he did.
I didn't want to be the villain in his story. I didn't want to hurt him. But he deserved to be happy, and I deserved—I deserved to be happy too. But what would make me happy? Giving up Lotus? Or giving up Eli?
"Friend," Benji repeated. "Right. Yeah. Of course." His voice was tight. Not angry, but rejected. Sad. And I hated myself for it. But there was nothing else I could do.
"I'm sorry," I said, and he cleared his throat again.
"No, it's fine." I sank onto the couch, resting my forehead on my hand. "I understand."
"I mean it, though," I said softly. "I do want to be your friend." He was silent for a long moment. So long I thought he hung up on me.
