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reagan
Three weeks have slippedthrough my fingers since Eli and I first hooked up, two since the night we almost said we loved each other. Since then, our connection has grown deeper, and it’s becoming harder and harder to remember what I wanted before him. My dreams. The life I’d carelessly planned for myself after leaving this town years ago.
But now that I have him, have the life I’d secretly always craved, I don’t know if I can give it up. If I can give him up. Yet something still prods the back of my mind—wanderlust. In my heart, I know I’ll always be a Nomad, I’ll always be a traveler.
As if sensing my internal struggle, Lily turned to me, her dark blonde brows bunched. Emma raced back and forth through the living room, letting Uni soar overhead, screeching and laughing. I was embarrassingly too invested in a cartoon that was playing on the TV. I tried to ignore her, but I relented and slid my eyes to Lily. Her face was as wary as I felt.
"What’s going on?" she murmured. I shook my head slightly, giving her a tight smile. I didn’t want to explain everything while Emma was around. But I should’ve known she wouldn’t let me off so easily. "Kid. Emma." Emma paused and whirled toward us, her princess dress swishing around her legs. "Can you go to the kitchen and get me a snack?"
"Lil," I hissed, hitting her with the back of my hand. "She’s not a dog you play fetch with." Before the words were even out of my mouth, Emma was soaring from the room and toward the kitchen. She had a designated cabinet full of just Emma snacks. She needed the independence, and when I’d explained it to Eli, he’d agreed. I’d never seen anyone so excited to get a snack for themselves before.
"Okay. Spill it." Lily turned fully toward me, her gaze unrelenting. I sighed and pushed myself up straighter on the couch, folding my legs under me.
"It’s Eli," I muttered, and she nodded.
"Obviously. What’s going on?" I glanced over her shoulder, anticipating Emma to run out of the room at any second.
"We’re kind of…" I trailed off. "Together?"
"You don’t sound sure about that," she said, her eyes narrowing. I groaned and dropped my head back.
"We’re together," I said more firmly. "I just—I still haven’t heard back from Lotus, and we had a talk about it, but nothing was really resolved. And every time I try to bring it up, he says we’ll figure it out when we get there."
"Have you called Lorelai?" She pushed herself up fully, matching my posture. I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair.
"I don’t want to," I quietly admitted. "If she says I got it, then I have to have the conversation with Eli and tell him I’m leaving. I don’t know how he’ll truly react. And I don’t know how I will, either. I don’t want to leave—"
"So don’t," she shrugged.
"But what if I don’t leave and in a year realize I should’ve gone? What if I realize I gave up my dreams and life for him?" Nerves swirled in my belly.
Was that the truth? Was that what I was really worried about?
"Then you call Lorelai back and ask for a job," she said. She said it like it was so simple, like it was the obvious answer. "You go on another retreat, or go on another trip. You do whatever you have to to fulfill your soul."
"But—"
"If he loves you, he’ll understand."
"He doesn’t love me," I said. She stared at me. "I don’t love him." She threw her head back and laughed.
"What-the-fuck-ever," she laughed. "I’ve never seen you so head-over-heels before."
"What if I give up everything and he doesn’t want me, Lil?" I whispered, my throat tight. Her smile fell.
"Then he’s a fucking idiot and doesn’t deserve you," she said softly. She reached over and grabbed my hand, gently squeezing. "Look," she let out a long breath as she pulled her hand back, "I know it’s scary. I know choosing to trust him is fucking terrifying. But what’s life without risk?" I tilted my head to the side as I stared at her. "Either way, this makes your story that much better."
"What story?"
"Your life story." She smiled sadly. "If he loves you, when you’re on your deathbed replaying your life, you’ll get to remember the moments that made your heart flutter. You’ll remember all the moments that you fell in love with him over again through the years. You’ll replay the good times with him. Your story will be amazing."
"And if he doesn’t?" I whispered, scared to hear the answer.
"Then you’ll look back on your life and see how strong you were. How resilient you were. How you had your heart broken by a man you thought you loved and you thought loved you, and you’ll see you survived it. You’ll relive all the moments you didn’t think you’d make it through, and you did. You did. You’ll move on with your life, and it’ll be a full and fucking amazing one. You’ll see the world, and fall in love with people and places, and you’ll leave a bit of your soul in each place you visit. And one day you’ll meet someone else, someone better, someone who’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved."
A sob shoved its way out of my throat, and I roughly wiped at my cheeks. "Since when did you get so insightful?" I laughed through my choked tears. "Go back to being a dumb whore."
"I’ll always be a dumb whore, babe," she said, grinning. After a few moments, my tears dried and I watched as Emma raced into the living room, her arms full of snacks. One of each, by the looks of it.
