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She threw them at Lily, and Lily's face tightened as she forced herself to smile.
"Cookies," Emma panted, pointing at the little packet of her favorite cookies. "And—"
"I see," Lily said, and I cleared my throat. "I mean. Please show me everything." Emma smiled broadly and went back to pointing out each treat, and surprisingly, Lily played along, nodding and pretending to be as excited as Emma was.
Finally, Emma ran away, turning her attention back to her toys. Lily rested her head on the back of the couch and glanced at me.
"You okay?" she murmured, and I shrugged. I stared at Emma as she ran back and forth, her laugh just as high-pitched and happy as before.
"What do I do?" I asked quietly.
"You're the hippie," Lily said, and I slid my eyes to her. "Follow your heart." I rolled my eyes, huffing out a sarcastic laugh.
"I'm serious."
"I am, too," she said. "Do what feels right. And if staying here with him feels right, then fuck Lorelai, fuck Lotus. Fuck it all. But if you're having doubts, then..." She trailed off as she shrugged. "That's your answer, isn't it?"
* * *
Lily left a few hours ago,and I put Emma down for her nap twenty minutes ago. After cleaning up, I decided I needed to take a breather and clear my mind. And the only way I knew how to do it was through yoga.
Since living with Eli, I hadn't been on my mat as often as I was used to. Before, I was on my mat multiple times a day, every day. But then things got so busy and hectic, I only had time for a quick routine with Emma every evening.
But I had to make time for it today.
Lily's words still rang through my head as I rolled onto my hands and knees and pushed myself up into downward dog. With my eyes closed, I breathed deeply, trying to force my internal anxieties away.
One day, you'll meet someone else who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I didn't want to meet anyone else. I wanted Eli, and only Eli. There was no one else on this planet—in this universe—that would make me feel the way he made me feel.
We didn't make sense. He was older. He was a dad. He was my sister's husband for fuck's sake. But that didn't matter to me. None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered was the soft way he treated me, the sweet words he murmured in my ear every night as I drifted to sleep. The way he looked at me like I was precious. His soft smiles and lazy kisses made me know that there would never be anyone else but him.
Was I trying to self-sabotage? Was I trying to ruin things with him on purpose?
It was likely. I'd been known to do it before. But I hadn't fucked my life over on purpose in...years. Not since I was in high school and was starting to get more recognition than Meredith. I'd ruined my art project so I wouldn't be in the art show because I didn't want to be in the spotlight—no, I didn't want to take the spotlight from her.
So much of my life was spent in the shadows, always making sure to lift her up. Always making sure to lift everyone else up. It felt like no matter what I did, I was never chosen first. Never the one people thought of.
Even Lotus—I'd been volunteering my time at these retreats for over a year and had begged Lorelai for a permanent position since the first retreat. And every time I asked, she always promised to call me before the next one if she had an opening.
She'd had openings. She'd just given the positions to other people.
Tears burned my eyes. Was I not good enough? I knew I doubted myself, but in my heart I knew I was plenty good enough.
Right?
I knew that, didn't I?
Maybe it was for the best that Lorelai never called. It would make things easier. Maybe then Eli and I could fully commit to each other. I could find a job at a yoga studio and still feel fulfilled like that.
Or I could open my own.
I pushed that thought away.
There was no way I could start my own. I wouldn't know where to even begin. And in a town like this? No one would come.
But if we moved...
