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Nope.
I pushed the thought away.
My arms began trembling, and I lowered myself back to my knees, settling in to the next pose. My muscles groaned in delight at the stretch.
As I breathed into my pose, my eyes still closed, my mind wandered back to Eli. Would it be so bad to choose him over Lotus? Over traveling? It wouldn’t be.
We could go on vacations a few times a year so I could still settle my restless soul. I paused and my eyes fluttered open. I stared down at my yoga mat, the sun from the window casting golden shadows across it.
Was my soul really restless? Or had it always felt like that because I’d never felt settled before? Because I’d never felt safe enough to feel secure? Why did I want to travel so badly?
I was running from my past.
I left this place and ventured out into the world hoping to forget everything that I went through, every inadequate emotion I’d ever felt growing up. But it followed me. Every time I stepped onto my mat, those feelings were there. Every time I begged for a job, my insecurities reared their ugly heads. Every time I silently begged someone to choose me, Meredith’s invisible shadow still cast over me in a cold, dark cloud.
Maybe after all this running, all this searching, I’d finally found my home.
My phone rang, pulling me from my thoughts, and I sank onto my knees before pushing to my feet. Grabbing it from where it sat on the couch, I glanced at the caller ID and felt my stomach fall to the floor.
I ran a shaky hand over my hair, trying to breathe through my immediate anxiety. "Hello?"
"Hey, Reagan," Lorelai said. I could hear the smile in her voice. "How have you been?"
"Good," I breathed, my voice tight. I roughly cleared my throat. "Good. I've been—what about you?" She let out a breathy laugh as I sank onto the couch, my eyes glued to the yoga mat in the middle of the floor.
"I've been great," she said. "I was calling to talk about the retreat in Sri Lanka." I hummed—it was the only sound I could make. "Well, as you know, our retreat is coming up in about a week. We're having a lot of the same people, but also some newbies." I hummed again, my eyes burning. "I know this is short notice, but I know you'll be there anyway—" She let out another laugh. "Would you like to be lead instructor for the newcomers?"
My phone almost slipped from my hand.
"Lead instructor?" I rasped. I'd never applied for that position before. "Not assistant?"
"Nope," Lorelai laughed. "Lead." My heart lurched into my throat.
"How long is the retreat again?"
"Three weeks," she said. "Then there's another right after, so I'd need you for six weeks."
Six weeks.
Six weeks away from Eli and Emma. Six weeks away from this place. Six weeks—
"Think about it," Lorelai said. "Let me know in a couple days. But I'd love to have you as a permanent part of the Lotus team."
"Th-thank you," I rasped, my throat dry. "I'll call you—"
"You okay?" she asked quietly, and I cleared my throat again.
"I'm fine," I said. "Just freaking out." She laughed again, and I could picture her wide, toothy smile.
"When you stop freaking out," she said, "call me. Okay?"
"Okay," I breathed. With that, she hung up and left me to stare at the wall.
I got the job.
The job I'd been waiting for—no, not the job I'd been waiting for. A better job than I ever expected to get.
Lead instructor.
