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The ground beneath me on the flight felt like it was swallowing me whole the entire time. I shut my eyes while my emotions bled out of me, desperately trying to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye to a woman whose home I grew up in.
I hadn’t felt homesick up to that point, but the news hit me hard. I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my gaze. The pain in my heart was ripping at my soul and eating me alive. The emotions crippled me in ways I’d never experienced before. The guilt of not seeing her because I didn’t want to run into Ledger was too much to bear.
For the most part, this last year, it was out of sight, out of mind, which was about to come back and bite me in the ass the second I laid eyes on him. There I was, about to see him again for all the wrong reasons.
At that moment, in that second, I didn’t care about the consequences of his actions from the last time I saw him.
He needed me.
More now than he ever had before. There was no way in hell I couldn’t not be there for him. At that moment, he was all that mattered to me.
Three hours later, I was breaking so many traffic laws on my way to her funeral in my rental car. Chance offered to pick me up, but I didn’t want him to leave Ledger’s side. I could only imagine what he was going through, and even then, it wouldn’t be enough.
It was like drowning in the deep end of a pool with no water.
I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Breathe.
Chance didn’t tell me about Ledger’s mom till last night, and I took the first available flight out. I was mad that he waited until the day before the funeral to inform me, but now wasn’t the time to call him out on it. I knew he must have been going through a lot, and being there for his best friend was the only thing on his mind.
Physically and mentally, I was exhausted as I drove up to the cemetery around noon.
It was the moment of truth.
My heart pounded out of my chest as I walked over to them. People were scattered around, though I didn’t pay attention to anyone. I was too focused on the grave I was walking toward. Grabbing a single rose from one of the several floral arrangements, I finally made my way to her grave.
Once I stood in front of her tombstone, I immediately bowed my head and crouched down. My legs were unable to support my crumpling body. I delicately placed the rose above the engraved beloved mother, burying my face in my hands. I had no idea how long I stayed like that with my anguish pouring out of me.
I broke down, crying for a mother I’d never see again.
I could have been kneeling there for a minute or an hour. Time seemed to stand still, but the pain continued on all around me. Shaking my head, I wiped my face before I stood, locking eyes with my brother.
I smiled for the first time since he told me the news.
“It’s so good to see you,” I wept, hugging him.
“Shhh… don’t cry,” he whispered in my ear.
This was so surreal. I never thought I’d be back here, at least not anytime soon.
“You okay?” he asked, pulling away.
“Do I look okay?”
He peered into my eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Mrs. Beckham sooner than last night?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Everything happened so fast, Hazel. I told Mom to tell you, and I didn’t know she hadn’t until I asked what time your flight landed.”
I looked around the cemetery. “Where are they?”
He shrugged. “They didn’t come.”
I jerked back, confused. “Why not?”
“I don’t want to get into it right now.”
“So now you’re keeping secrets from me?”
