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“Yeah? Did you? Because the way I remember it, everything was going great. We were making love every night. Making big plans for the future. Then out of the blue, you left one night with nothing more than a note on the kitchen counter.” I ball my fists and continue, pushing past the painful memories of the day she shredded me to the core. “When you came back two days later, you started having panic attacks and picking fights and pulling away from me. And less than a month after that, you were asking me for a divorce. That’s not normal, Allie! Not for people who’ve been together as long as we were.”
Alana shudders. Her lip trembles before she leaps to her feet.“You’re oversimplifying everything! I hate when you water everything down like that,” she argues, her eyes hazy and wet. “You make me sound like some crazy person who just up and changed her mind one day.”
I get to my feet, too, ready to have it out with this exasperating, secretive woman.
“Well, tell me what I’m missing then, Alana! Tell me the unsimplified version.” I pull on my hair in frustration. “Talk to me, for fuck’s sake.”
“We should both really try to move on,” she says, her voice choked.
“Move on?!” I laugh. “I couldn’t even get the closure to move on if I wanted to because I still don’t feel like I truly understand why we broke up. I keep beating myself up, wondering where I went wrong. If I could get over you, don’t you think I’d be over you by now? You were my best friend. I never recovered from losing you.”
Her eyelids lower over cloudy eyes and she shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Davis. None of it was your fault. You didn’t fall short as a husband.” She struggles to explain. “I just…you just…I…”
I drop to my knees in front of her, nudging myself between her legs, staring up into her eyes, pleading. “The floor is yours. Tell me what I’m missing.Please.” I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated. I’m everything.
I’m in love with her and I just want her to love me, too.
She draws her fingertips along my lower lashes, wiping away my tears as her own begin to fall. “Let’s not do this, Davis…”
“Is it that you didn’t want me to run for mayor? Were you afraid to just say that?”
“What? No!” Her eyes narrow and her tone sharpens with insistence. “Just the opposite. Ialwayswanted you to run. I supported you fully, and it made me so gosh damn furious that you didn’t go after that. That you just gave up on being mayor. I wanted you to run, Davis. With all of my heart.”
Her words make no sense to me. If she was so supportive of it all, why walk away from me?
“Why the hell would I run for mayor after you left?” I ask, my voice cracking.
She drops to her knees, too, facing me. “Because it was yourdream. It’s what you were born to do.”
I shake my head.“You don’t get it.” I look at her with fire in my chest, hoping she really fucking listens. “All my dreams are meaningless without you. All the plans I had mapped out included you at my side. I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, but dammit, all of my big goals were meaningless if you weren’t there. It wasn’t just my dream to be the mayor. It was my dream to be married to you, to raise a family in Honey Hill,andbe mayor.” I can’t help but to tuck a strand of Alana’s soft blonde hair behind her ears. The ones she always said were too big, but I always said were the perfect size. Everything about her is perfect for me. “Don’t you see? It was all wrapped into one, and without you, it all became pointless.”
I can see the pain swirling in her blue irises. Whatever I just spewed, she heard me. For once, she heard me.
“Why did you fucking leave me, Alana?”
Her body shakes all over, emotions radiating through her. “Because I loved you enough to know that I was wrong for you.”
An invisible claw clenches my heart and rips it straight out of my chest. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard her say some bullshit like that. “Wrong for me?! Nothing feels right without you. Not even close.”
She breathes out. “Let’s be real, Davis. How many fucked up situations did you find yourself in during our relationship? Because of me? Because of my family? There was never any peace. There was always some drama. One dumpster fire after another after another. It was exhausting. It was embarrassing. And I had to step back and admit to myself the toll that my shit was taking on you. It was just a matter of time beforemydrama cost you everything you worked so hard for. I couldn’t take that risk.” Her hands smooth over my neck and shoulders. Her voice breaks on a sob. “The truth is, I loved you too much to keep you.Thatis why I left you, Davis Westbrook.”
* * *
I dig through allthe gift bags again, scattering glittery tissue paper all over the damn floor. “It’s in here somewhere. I swear. It’s got to be in here.”
In the dimly-lit kitchen, Alana leans her shoulder blades against the fridge. She folds her arms across her midriff and casts a skeptical glance around at the walls still decorated with balloons and streamers and the glimmering foil ‘Happy Birthday’ banner.
“Babe, we already searched in those bags,” she whimpers quietly. “We searched everywhere.”
She’s right. But I can’t bring myself to give up hope. Not when I look at the devastated expression on her face.
“I just…I just don’t understand…” I reach for the overflowing recycling bags propped against the backdoor. I already know there’s nothing but dirty paper plates and sticky plastic cups in there. Still, I’m ready to pour them out and rummage through them all over again. I’ll keep searching until I find it.
Alana grabs my arm. “Davis, don’t…Please.”
My chest aches. My wife saved up for months. She wanted to make my twenty-third birthday memorable. She planned this surprise party and she got our family and friends here. And she bought me that watch. The watch I wanted for months all while knowing that it was way outside of our budget. But she sacrificed pedicures and fancy coffees and all the little things she loves, just to make the special purchase for me.
And what did I do? I fucking lost the thing twenty minutes after she gifted it to me.
