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Brielle doesn’t appear to be concerned for him at all. She spends most of her time with Shelby, even going to a few football games with her. The only other person I have seen her with is the same guy from her dorms that day, who I have now learned is actually Jake DeBose. His family is wealthy but removed from most of the bullshit we all grew up with. Until only recently, they hardly ever showed up at any of these functions but they’re one of the families that has benefitted at the expense of the Crawford. It begs the question why Carson is okay with Bri hanging around him, or if he even knows?
“We’re gonna see them together tonight,” Eli points out. I nod. I’ve been debating all week how to handle it. Even this morning with my parents when we opened presents, all I could do was think about her. Think about her with him. Wonder if losing her truly made me lose my mind. Lose all sense of reason that I still refuse to accept what has been written on the walls for months.
“I’m going to try,” I decide aloud, stepping around Eli as our shoulders brush to pick up the journal. I slip it into my pocket and pull on my suit jacket. “One last time, I’m going to try and talk to her tonight. Show her the journal and just ask if she truly feels she outgrew us.”
He pushes his glasses up his nose, but it can’t hide the way his body tenses. “And if she says yes?”
Bile burns the back of my throat but I force the words out. “Then I’ll let her go.” Silence hangs between us, more grief and longing than we’ve allowed ourselves to feel in months. None of us really thought it was over. We all thought things would change when we showed up here, when she realized how much she had hurt us. How much we missed and needed her. Our sunshine. The golden thread that tied us all together, made us better people. “Maybe look into transferring to OCU next year.”
His lips thin as his fists tighten. Despite the airs they’ve all put on, they hate this as much as I do. Had as much hope as I have had. Theirs has just been buried under all their rage and jealousy and abandonment issues. “Tonight we decide,” he agrees.
My shoulders fall as the weight of tonight settles on them. I can’t force any more words out, so I just nod and grab my keys. Might as well get there before I lose my nerves once more. Elias follows my lead, his phone in hand. “Swing by to pick up Z. Hud is going with his family.”
I nod in response and catch him openly staring at me. I arch a brow and he shrugs. “Your parents going to be there tonight?” It’s a fair question. Even though he’s been living with me since the start of break, he hasn’t seen my parents once. They already missed Thanksgiving this year, why wouldn’t they skip Christmas too?
I smile at the concern I hear in his voice. “They’ll be there. They were home this morning while you went back to your place.” It was a simple but nice brunch with my parents for the holiday. My parents don’t hate me, I would even argue they love me. Just in their own way. From afar.
They aren’t so bad they would abandon their only child on Christmas though. Thanksgiving was the first holiday they had ever missed with me. It was one I had hardly even missed their presence. But I know it’s a hard concept for most of the others to understand. Family and a home isn’t only what you were born into. Only Zaide really understands that.
It’s a short and near silent drive to pick him up and that continues even as we make our way to the hotel where the annual Christmas gala is being held this year. At least it was only black tie, without any theme we were forced into complying with. I hated the masks from the last one. I haven’t missed these events in the slightest, but we all knew there was no way we would be able to miss the holiday ones. At least there won’t be a New Years one this year. We should be able to head back to campus as early as tomorrow if we choose to.
Hudson will probably want to stay with his family, but school is close enough he can go back and forth. Being here no longer seems like home. Maybe it never did. Or maybe it’s because home for me was never a place at all. Either way, my skin crawls as I toss my keys to the valet. Eli and Z fall into step beside me as we make our way into the party.
Unlike last time, Brielle and Carson beat us here. The two of them already making the rounds through the throngs of people, champagne glasses in hand. A polite but demure smile graces Bri’s face.
“I already know what you’re thinking,” Eli whispers in my ear.
I lift a shoulder to shrug him off. He’s obviously thinking it too if he’s noticed the same thing I have. I watch from the corner of my eye the way Z tears his gaze away from her and looks at us. He scoffs in annoyance. “I’m getting a drink.” I ignore him and Eli’s words, patting my pocket to feel the journal there. Maybe I should have just read the whole thing and I would know if this was pointless or not.
Will I get lucky enough again to corner her without Carson noticing? Without anyone paying attention to us? There’s more media here tonight than there was at Thanksgiving. It’s making me nervous in a way that it never has before but I can’t put my finger on why. Possibly just overall nerves of this entire night likely to go to hell in a handbag.
At some point, Elias drifts away from me. Mingling with people I just do not have the energy to entertain tonight when there is so much on the line. My eyes travel over each of my friends. Hudson with Vanessa and their parents as they speak to Bri’s mom. Eli close enough that he intercepts people who attempt to approach me to engage in conversation. Zaide in the back, drinking as he his eyes track Brielle where Carson has kept her glued to his side.
I’m starting to worry that I may not get a chance to speak to her at all. I’ve caught several longing looks she’s thrown to where her mom and Vanessa are giggling together. It was a mistake to not bring V in on our plan from the beginning. She never would have allowed the bullying and if anyone were to have stopped us, it would have been her.
Nothing would have gotten to this point had we told her that we were going to BSU to follow Brielle. She would have dragged the truth out of Bri already and forced all of us to accept it whether we wanted to or not. Looking back, we’ve all made so many mistakes over and over again.
All that’s left to do is lay all my cards on the table. The first chance I get.
It’s not too much later I find my opportunity as Bri kisses Carson’s cheek before separating herself from him. His eyes follow her as she walks away, even as he gets dragged into a conversation with several men I recognize as some of the members of their board.
I wait for her to leave the ballroom and his attention to turn back to his conversation fully before I follow behind, dropping a half full glass of champagne on an empty table. I meet Eli’s gaze and see his worry lining his face, though he continues his conversation as if nothing is wrong. I don’t waste any more time as I pick up my pace. The hallway is nearly empty, making it easy to find her.
I rush up behind her and grab hold of her hand, tugging her along with me as I move further down the hall and around the corner. Out of sight from any prying eyes. Her gasp is audible as she tries to rip her hand out of my grip before her blue eyes meet mine and she visibly relaxes. That won’t last long.
Guilt threatens to swallow my words but I push away the consuming feeling. We’ve already stolen the diary, already invaded her privacy and read her private thoughts. The only thing left to do is talk about what we read. Hear it from her lips that she just didn’t want us.
“Ash.” Her surprised but relieved voice washes over me, soothing me like a balm. Something I have no right to feel.
“We need to talk,” I say, dropping her hand. She’s already shaking her head, but I don't let her respond before I pull the journal out of my pocket and show it to her. Her eyes grow wide and her mouth falls open. Real panic flares in her eyes as she gasps.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for that!” She reaches out and tries to grab it and almost topples over in her heels as she loses balance. I catch her with an arm around her waist, but keep the journal out of her reach. This is the most honest reaction I’ve gotten out of her besides the time I made her come.
I’d feel a sense of victory but I can feel the way her body trembles in my arms.
She isn’t pissed like I was scared she would be. She’s fucking petrified.
Just what the fuck is in this journal?
