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Shame fills me at not only what happened with Carson but the way I threw myself at Elias. The way I still found comfort in his arms and bliss on his lips. My cheeks heat as I remember the way he felt pressed up against me.
The memories of Elias help wash away all the other thoughts of Carson. I don’t know what to do with that either. How can I ever look him in the eyes again and not picture his lips against mine, his hands squeezing my ass. Fuck.
I’m turned on and disgusted at myself all over again.
I roll over and pull my journal out from my bag. Maybe if I pour some of the words out of my head, I’ll be able to remember what’s important and what I have to do. And forget about how big Elias felt.
I can’t believe after all the years we’ve spent at each others’ sides, that was our first kiss.
My dorm room door gets thrown open and I scramble to hide my journal as my breath stutters in my chest. When I see the flash of strawberry blonde hair, I immediately relax.
“Fucking hell, Shelbs. You scared me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Who else would be barging into our room?” I can’t really give her an answer so I just shrug.
“You’re supposed to be in class,” I point out instead.
She scoffs. “So are you.”
I scrunch my nose in guilt, I knew I had no intention of going to Econ today and I told her I would anyway. I have to figure out how to face Eli first. Let alone all the rumors. I pull my blanket over my face. Maybe I can just suffocate myself and end my suffering.
She sighs. “Yeah, everyone is talking about it, but a lot of people don’t even believe it. There's been so much said about you that it all seems exaggerated now.”
I groan from under the blanket but peek just my eyes out. I don’t really want people to be talking about me, but I already paid the price for the rumors. Do I really have anything to gain now if people start realizing how ridiculous the whole thing is?
“I have a meeting with the dean tomorrow morning,” I tell her. She flinches but I wave her off. “The investigation should be fairly easy. I have all the evidence to support Professor Schaubeck’s decision to accept my paper late.”
She flops down beside me on my bed and I scoot over, holding the colorful llama she gave me to my chest. She smiles when she sees it. “I don’t understand those boys,” she admits, making me chuckle.
She shakes her head at my amusement. It would be hard to understand. Even I don’t fully know how I can still look at them so fondly. Still seek out their comfort in my lowest moments. “They were practically frothing in irritation that you didn’t show up today.”
I groan again. “They were probably excited to rub it in my face.”
Shelby hums, looking at her nails. “I don’t know, B. None of them had their usual arrogance today. Z didn’t even attempt to hit on me. They seemed almost concerned.”
I raise my brows at her and tilt my head to the side. “They started the rumor.”
“Hey, I’m not saying I like them. In fact I have a couple shovels with their names on them.” I snort at the serious expression on her face as she says it. “I’m just telling you what I noticed. I know you still care about those assholes, but I think they still care about you too. I’ve never seen a group of guys so goddamn twitchy.”
I hum as I let her words sink in. Could they still care about me under all their hate and need for revenge? It is hard to forget all the good years, even after I abandoned them. There is a very fine line between love and hate, it seems we are all tap dancing right on top of it.
It doesn’t really matter anyways. It would be easier for them to just hate me. Forget about me.
After several moments of silence, Shelby has obviously had enough. “Fuck them. You know what you need?”
“Coffee?” I offer, mostly seriously.
“Yes, but also girls’ day.”
I smile because you know what? That sounds like exactly what I need.
Three hours later and we are off campus and only slightly tipsy, okay a lot tipsy, but in my defense the spa I brought Shelby to kept bringing us glasses of champagne while we both had a mani pedi. We also had our eyebrows done and a head massage, and Shelby kept making me laugh as she sighed aloud about how the other half lives. I have laughed more in the last couple of hours than I have in the last few months. It feels good to be out with her, to disconnect from everything that is going on and just enjoy myself for a little while.
Now we are sitting in a dive sort of taco place eating our way through every taco on the menu and enjoying two for one margaritas while Shelby plows me for information.
“Come on, you can’t tell you spent all that time with four guys that hot and never kissed any of them.” She won’t drop the topic of the guys and although she hasn’t brought up Carson’s name yet, I know it is on the tip of her tongue.
Already shaking my head as I take another sip of my marg. “I already told you, it wasn’t like that between us, we were just friends.”
