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Her stare is filled with nothing but accusation. “Okay, but you wanted to, right?” When I don’t reply her face breaks into a grin as she yells, “I knew it!”
I scramble to shush her when other patrons start to look our way, but she just breaks into a fit of giggles, but still I grab her hands across the table to calm her down. “Look, it’s hard to explain, our friendship was like set in stone or something, it went from nothing to everything. They were my entire world, the people I could turn to for anything, count on no matter what, but things just got…” I trail off as I think about that night, about how much they truly were willing to do anything for me. About how I ruined it all with just one stupid decision and one bad bet and all I can add is, “complicated.”
Shelby watches me, her face slowly turning more interested. “You know you talk about the four of them with more affection than I’ve ever heard you use. You don’t even talk about your boyfriend like that.”
I scoff without meaning to. “Don’t even get me started on Carson.” As soon as the words leave my mouth I panic, her stare laser sharp now.
“He seems,” she hesitates as if trying to think of an appropriate word before she adds, “devoted.” She shrugs and I snort at her word choice.
“Oh yeah, he’s devoted alright.” I swirl the remainder of my drink around in the bottom of my glass as I contemplate everything that is going on in my life right now. Shelby keeps her gaze firmly on me waiting for me to continue, and I don’t know if it’s the alcohol buzzing through my veins, or just needing to open up to someone, but I suddenly feel the need for her to know something, not everything of course, but just enough to keep me sane.
“Carson is, how do I say… a very possessive type of person. He has always wanted me, but it’s more the idea of me that he is infatuated with, not who I actually am.” I think about the countless times in the past that he would try and infiltrate the guys and I’s tight little circle of friendship, and I always just put it down to him feeling left out. Like he wanted what we had as a friend group, nothing more, thinking back I realize how naive I was over his attempts to gain my affections.
“What we have is more of a perfect on paper kind of relationship.”
Shelby scrunches up her nose in that cute way of hers as she admits, “I don’t know what that means.” I almost laugh, because same, but instead I take a deep breath and think about how to explain it without really explaining it.
“Carson is smart, well bred, focused, it might not seem like it but in reality we really are the perfect match and want the same things.” Bile churns in my stomach as I admit that aloud because in some ways it’s true. He was brought up the same as I was, went to the same schools, had the same friends, vacationed in the same spots. He’s destined to work for his father’s business and have the perfect wife and multiple perfect children, and isn’t that what I want?
To have a husband who adores me, children I love, and a career I am passionate about. Adoration and obsession are just two sides of the same coin if you really think about it. I adored the guys and look how far I am willing to go for them. Can I really blame Carson for doing the same with me?
On second thought, yes. Yes, I fucking can. There’s a huge difference between sacrificing everything for someone you care about and disregarding their feelings to take what you want anyways. The boys may not want my brand of love anymore now that it’s wrapped in thorns and dipped in poison, but at least it is still love. Carson only knows obsession.
“But what about the guys, don’t you have feelings for them?” The fact she doesn’t single out any of them has my spine straightening, have I been more obvious than I thought in trying to hide my true self?
I shrug as if her question means nothing, but really it’s everything. “With the guys it’s complicated,” I admit out loud for the first time, not just to her but also to myself. “There was too much at stake in picking one of them, and Carson was the easier option. We made a deal and as long as we both keep our side of it up, we both get what we want.”
Shelby takes a slow sip of her margarita while going over my words in her head, until eventually she sighs, “But what about love?”
“What about it?” I snap, harsher than I intended to. “Love is bullshit, real relationships are built on common goals and interests, trust, everything else will come in time.” The lies burn my tongue, but it’s better than the truth.
“But they followed you here.” Her voice is almost a whisper now and I need to shut down this conversation before it goes any further.
“My choices were one of them, or him, and I chose him, I don’t regret it, or feel guilty about it. He was the only choice I could make, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.” That right there is the truth of it. Even if I wanted one of them, how could I have ever chosen? It would have ripped us apart no matter how hard we tried to hold on. Carson just gave me an incentive, save them and be with him. What I told Shelby is true, he was the only choice.
My words must have been abrupt and final because eventually she smiles. “Fine, but you are coming to the football game with me this weekend so we can watch a bunch of guys get sweaty.” She fans herself dramatically and I laugh.
“That’s a deal I can gladly take, Carson and I will be going together.” She nods, a forced smile on her face as I keep my own perfectly intact.
What’s a bitter lie between friends, ey?
ChapterTwenty
Shelby’sobvious love for football caught me off guard. I didn’t expect her to know so much about it or be as excited to go to a game as she is. She was bummed when I encouraged her to go with her friends instead of sitting with me and Carson, but it really was for the best.
After the conversation we had the other day, I feel like she would be dissecting mine and Carson’s interactions all day long. Although it does feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I’ve told her at least part of the truth about why I chose Carson. I couldn’t let her know that it was against my will, but at least the fact that it was a contract relationship has helped her understand why I am the way that I am about him.
It was fun to get ready together even though I knew we weren’t going to be able to hang out for the rest of the day after getting to the game. I have mixed feelings about going to the game, knowing I’ll be watching Hudson and Zaiden play. It's weird knowing they have games and not going there to support them, it was something I always did in the past, alternating between the two of them at what number shirt I wore, painting their initials in the team's colors on my cheek. They would always call me their favorite cheerleader, and we would always go out for burgers afterwards. Missing their first few games has killed me. It’s the first time I’ve ever done it when I never thought I would. But it isn’t like they would want me there anyways. I probably wouldn’t have bothered to come at all if not for Carson forcing the issue in his quest to win over his housemates.
Today isn’t like the other games, there are no team colors, or face paint. Instead my appearance is perfect. A long sleeve cream turtleneck, paired with a brown mini skirt, socks and boots. My hair is neatly curled and falling in waves down my back, and a long line coat tossed over the top to fight off the fall chill that has arisen in the last week. My excitement is doused in reminders of how far I have fallen, of how different things have become, but I keep the Montgomery mask in place.
I smile and wave Shelby off as she spots her other friends in the crowd and let myself bask in the small feelings of jealousy as I watch her greet them with a smile, knowing they are going to have a fun filled night. With a sigh I move off to wait at the side, checking my phone as I do. I barely have it in my hand before arms slide around my waist and I’m pulled back against a firm chest.
“There you are,” Carson murmurs in my ear, pressing kisses down my neck and shoulder.
I saw him yesterday after my meeting with the dean and he was different than he’s ever been before. More affectionate, softer and more gentle in his touches. No sign of the barbed edges I know lie under his exterior. Even the dean remarked about what a sweet couple we were and apologized once more to both of us for the fuss caused by the rumors.
Carson lapped up the attention from him. Lamenting about how hard it’s been for me and how out of hand the bullying has gotten from jealous peers. He wasted no time handing over the guys names to the dean, but he should have known better. The dean may have said all the right things, but no one missed the blood draining from his face when he realized just who is attacking my character so ruthlessly.
