AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I can only imagine what a fright I must look after all the crying last night. If I ever thought Carson would be swayed by my tears I learned just how wrong I was. My whole body aches as I try to move along the stairs without making any noise.
I wish I could just run, but I know I don’t have the strength. Not after everything I had to endure. The whiskey didn’t help as much as I hoped it would, but it has definitely added to the maddening pulsing of my head this morning. I can barely see straight with the way my headache wracks my body.
Most people will be suffering the after effects of last night and wanting to stay in bed to sleep it off. I couldn’t stay in that bed any longer, I felt like I was suffocating, like if I stayed there one more minute I was going to choke on my own shame.
I don’t even want to think about what Carson would demand if I stayed and waited for him to wake up this morning. He was so angry last night. So pissed. And he took it all out on me. I was worried about how far he would take it. I didn’t know what to expect. Part of me is relieved that he didn’t touch me. Not there anyway.
He was more violent than possessive. Raining blows down over my body as he sneered in my face about the guys. I never truly realized just how much he hated them. I paid for every ounce of that hatred last night. Paid in an array of what I’m sure will be brightly colored splotches all over my arms, ribs, back, and who knows where else. I think the only place I don’t have fresh bruises is my face.
But at least he didn’t touch me.
I shiver and attempt to wrap my arms around my waist as the morning chill bites into my exposed skin but the pain that radiates through my body damn near knocks me breathless. My steps falter and I freeze in place trying to take shallow breaths through my nose that don’t expand my rib cage.
Fuck. I think he may have cracked some ribs when he kicked my sides after I fell to the ground. I’ve never felt more used and broken than I did in that moment. The cherry on top of my shame sundae. It wasn’t enough to once again force me to my knees after beating me, he had to remind me of my place. Under his shoe. Completely at his control. Only then as I laid on the floor in tears did he finally give me room to breathe.
The sound of his pleased sigh as he collapsed into the bed will haunt me as much as the sound of my own whimpers as he forced himself down my throat. I shiver at the memory, wishing for my bottle of whiskey to burn away the taste of him that still lingers on my tongue. To take away the memories. The pain.
I shiver again and goddamn it hurts. It’s so cold out. Why the fuck is it so cold? It’s only when I reach the end of the street that I realize I forgot my coat, but there is no way I am going back for it. Still in yesterday's clothes, I let the wind chill my face and legs as I head back across campus to the dorms. I hope Shelby is still going to be asleep so I can just slip inside and climb into bed for a few hours and actually get some rest.
Thick clouds are gathered in the sky and when rain starts to pour I tip my head back as I walk and pray it can wash away my sins. I don’t even have the energy to be mad about the unexpected downpour. I kind of wish it would just take me with it.
By the time I make it to the quad my clothes are soaked through and I am panting heavily as I fight against the cold seeping into my bones. Each breath, each tremble that wracks through me, brings flashes of Carson’s angry face as he aimed his fists at me. A reminder I will be forced to endure with every movement for the next couple weeks at least. Just one foot in front of the other. That’s all I can focus on.
My blood turns to ice when I look up and find the green eyes that haunt my dreams staring at me in contempt. Zaiden has his bag slung over his shoulder and a scowl dripping from his lips as he freezes on the threshold of the gym with the door open as if he were just about to leave. He must have paused there, contemplating the rain when he spotted me.
Now he’s probably thinking of something to do to me that can ruin my day. Jokes on him, I’m too broken down and tired to care about their antics. At least their cruelty makes me feel something. The more Carson lays his hands on me, the more I go numb. My mind blocking out as much as I can even if I know I’ll be left with bone deep aches that even the numbness can’t penetrate.
I continue walking, but instead of heading in the opposite direction towards my dorm, I am heading towards him like my feet have a mind of their own. Brielle, this is one of the stupidest things you have ever done, I scold myself. Yet, I don’t stop.
Zaiden and all his brooding anger, the hateful glares and razor sharp tongue, it makes me feel something. Right now I feel moments away from being swallowed by the ever growing cavern of nothingness that is inside of me. One that is so tempting to slip into, to let go of control, to forget all feeling, and let the numb take over. It’s the only reason I’ve been able to survive the last couple of weeks with Carson.
But it scares me too.
Each time I slip into that darkness and let my brain go, detach from reality and get lost in the recesses of my mind, it is harder and harder to find my way back to the surface. Soon it won’t only be lies I’m drowning under, it’ll be the memories and feelings I’m so desperately trying to hide from. I fear myself. Fear my will to keep coming back to myself will deteriorate and sooner than I realize I won’t even be able to find my way through the fog in my brain anymore.
I’ll be stuck. Feeling nothing in my mind and heart but living with the pain in my body and soul.
Much like the whiskey I craved last night, I want Zaide’s fury to burn away my own self loathing. To make me feel anything other than the fear and despair I have been stuck in since the football game.
It’s why I don’t stop, it’s why I move until I am standing right in front of him, letting his fury stained eyes wash over me as the rise and fall of our chests bring us even closer together. When I reach my hand up to palm his cheek, he bats it away, like he can’t bear the thought of me touching him. It hurts more than I thought it could.
There was a time I could touch him so freely, so easily, his touch would bring me comfort, love, even arousal, but now I need it to bring me pain. To wash away Carson’s tainted touch with his own brand of destruction.
“What the fuck do you want, Brielle?” His tone is harsh, and it’s like he is holding onto his anger by a thread. There is no sign of the cocky and smug persona he has been flaunting around me for weeks now. No, it’s just his anger, his rage.
My name has never sounded like a curse on his lips before, and suddenly it’s a sound I crave, a sound I need to hear again. What do I want? Without my consent, my eyes drop to his mouth and I lick my lips, imagining what it would taste like to finally kiss him. To finally let that fiery spark between us burn and engulf us both.
But I don’t kiss him, I can’t, not with the stain of what Carson did still lingering there in the back of my mind. Not when I already used Elias to chase away the taste and shame. I don’t deserve to have Zaiden do the same, and neither does he. I want him to erase it, I know that he could, but I just can’t let him. His darkness would blend so easily with mine until we are both nothing but a shadows of the deepest black.
When the silence stretches between us and I don’t answer his question, his eyes trail over me, taking in my appearance. I see the moment he realizes I am in yesterday's clothes, the spark that flashes across his eyes as his grimace turns into the cocky smirk I have become used to.
“You look pretty good for a whore doing the walk of shame, Baby B.”
I snort at the juvenile insult. Why do men always resort to calling you a slut or a whore? If only he knew how truly fucked this walk of shame really is. How I have never felt so low and used before, how I just want to break apart in his arms and have him put me back together. But I can’t and he won’t, this isn’t like before. If he wants to play games, it’s fine, I’m in the mood to spar.
My face turns into a bored mask of innocence as I ask, “What’s the matter, Z? Mad you spent your morning working out your frustrations because you had no one to fuck them out with? The pool of girls stupid enough to let you inside them already run dry?”
He rolls his eyes, something I’ve seen a thousand times before when he gets exasperated with one of the guys, something I’ve missed. And I can almost pretend we are friends. Almost. “That’s exactly it, Sunshine. In fact, I was just on my way to pay your roommate another visit. Why don’t you walk with me and you can listen to how hard I make her scream.”
