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I slowly turn to her, keeping my eyes on the ground so I don’t see the look of horror that I know must flash across her face as she sees the mess of my face. I hear the sharp intake of breath and flinch.
“Oh, Bri,” she cries as she rushes to grab my hand and drags me into the bathroom. She gently directs me to sit on the toilet and I flop down on the seat, avoiding the mirrors. She gets the hot water flowing in the sink and I watch as the steam rises and billows above it as she grabs a washcloth.
She takes her time, cleaning my face carefully. The heat of the washcloth soothing some of the pain, both in my face and in my chest. I close my eyes. Not wanting to see the blood and makeup that she’s cleaned up from my face and neck. I can still taste the tang of it on my tongue from where my lip split. Each waver of my lip, I can feel the swelling of the tissue getting worse. There’s no way I’ll be able to show my face in public tomorrow.
Not a problem for now.
Shelby sticks to her word, not saying another word on the topic. She was already able to put almost everything together on her own. The only thing is she doesn’t know the blackmail material Carson has on us. The reason we have the contract in the first place.
I don’t have the energy to try and placate her with lies anymore. It’s just easier to stay quiet. To let her have this moment where she can do something for me while I take the only small piece of comfort I have in this place. It’ll last only for this moment, but it might just be enough to get me through another day. I’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices , but one day it’ll all pay off. For tonight, I just want to turn it all off.
Shelby drops the washcloth into the sink, wringing her hands before turning back to me. “I don’t know what to do,” she cries.
I grab a hold of her hand, gently squeezing it. “You already did everything I needed. Now, I just want to shower and crawl in bed.” She nods along with my words, sinking her teeth into her lower lip. I know it’s going against everything she believes to not do everything she can to get me out of this situation, but my life isn’t black and white. This isn’t a simple game.
Carson thinks the game is over. The boys think they’re in charge of it. Shelby thinks I’m a victim. She’s the closest to being right, but if I have to sacrifice a few pawns, lower myself to being the naive girl they all think I am, in order to come out on top of the game none of them realize they’re playing, then so be it. I’ll be the victim all the way to my victory.
“Okay,” she sighs, relenting. “I’ll grab you your llama pajamas?”
I nod and smile my thank you. “Would you mind grabbing my phone too?”
It takes less than a minute before she passes my items back through the door. I thank her again, not able to look her in the eyes quite yet. I’ve never lost it in front of anyone like that other than Vanessa and the guys. Even with them, it has been rare over the years. I’ve never been a huge crier. I much prefer to figure out a logical way through my problems.
Makes it easier not to drown in my emotions.
Though, I don’t really know how well I’ve been holding up through this. It’s harder than ever before to keep a cool head and plan ahead but it’s more important now than it’s ever been before.
I take a deep breath, setting my phone down underneath my pajamas and dragging my eyes away from my reflection in the mirror. I step over the discarded robe and ripped lingerie and turn the heat up in the shower. Maybe it will drive out everything I hate seeing in myself. Burn away the shame and hate and longing that threatens to consume me. Deteriorate the logic and planning that I’ve been hiding behind. That I’ve been using to protect myself.
I take my time letting the heat sink into my skin, warming me back up after another awful night. I finger the bracelet still on my wrist. I had high hopes of completing this bet. Enjoying peace. Gaining the upper hand. A chance to strike back at the guys in the same way we have always solved our problems before.
Useless. I drop my arm back down to my side and grab my loofah and body wash. Too late to change the decisions I made today, all that’s left is to wash away the remnants. The regrets.
My mind runs in a million different directions and I try to turn it all off. To push out the noise and just relax. The warmth soothes my tense muscles, eases the tightness from them, but does nothing to calm my mind. I don’t think anything will.
My only answer is to give up something all over again.
I rinse my hair and my body and wrap a towel around myself. I’m tired of being in this bathroom. Tired of hiding. Of cowering. Alone with nothing but my thoughts. My doubts.
It isn’t until I’m pulling my pajamas over my legs that I remember Carson’s furious face as he took that phone call. A smirk plays on my lips. Maybe the day wasn’t a total bust after all.
Throwing the discarded and ruined clothes from tonight in the trash, I get ready to leave the bathroom. To face Shelby once more.
I take two more pills out of my prescription bottle. I’m going to need them if I want the voices in my head to stop tonight. If I want to feel any small amount of relief from the cuts and bruises. Walking out of the bathroom, I head straight for a water bottle that’s next to my bed. Shelby is flipping through the pages of a familiar looking binder but I know it isn’t one of the ones she gave me.
My brows draw in as I study her, lifting the bottle to my lips as I swallow the pills down. Her eyes move up to meet mine just in time to catch the action.
“What was that?” she asks, tilting her head to the side.
Shrugging her off, I answer, “Just Advil. Help with this.” I give her a broken smile as I point to my face. It’s fucked up. My lip has only gotten fatter, the split all the more obvious, and more bruises are starting to appear.
She studies me warily and I do my best to not fidget, to not search out for the necklace I always wear. Not now that V spilled the beans about it. She drops her eyes, focusing back on the binder. “I can’t do much and I don’t want to push you,” she whispers. “So I won’t ask anymore questions. I won’t try to talk you out of your relationship. I won’t judge you for the choice you’ve made or will make. I’ll just be here in any way I can. Give you as many options as I can.” Her words make my chest tighten, but in a completely different way than when Carson walked into the room. With him, it’s fear that strangles the air from my lungs, holding captive as a reminder of the power he holds over me. Now, it’s an overwhelming feeling of acceptance. Understanding. Loyalty. It makes me speechless even as it confuses me more.
How could Shelby give me more options?
“I’m leaving this for you. I need to run an errand, so you can take some time to look through it. Whatever you decide to do with it, I’ll respect it. I’ll even help if you let me. Just don’t push me out. Deal?”
I study her, hesitating. It’s not that I don’t trust her. I do. But is it really worth the risk of dragging her down with me?
