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Exhaling heavily, I put the car in reverse and head the opposite way from home and deeper into the city toward Thorns. After a few minutes in the car with nothing but the soft music playing on low, my heartbeat no longer feels as erratic as it first had. Taking back control is something I struggled to learn, but now have comfortably mastered. Scar has her needs, Ryder is learning his, and I have mine.
I crack my neck and tension eases out of my shoulders as I continue down the familiar route. Ryder clears his throat, pointedly looking out the window as he does. It’s obvious he was waiting for me to be back in full control of my emotions before bringing up whatever it is he’s about to.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I turn towards him just enough for him to catch the movement and look to see my arched brow. He rolls his eyes. “Whatever it is that made you storm out of the house today, leave Scar naked and tied up in the gym,” I wince at that part, but he continues, “and come to the fights to beat three people to death.”
“She liked being tied up,” I half-heartedly defend.
Ryder snorts. “Considerably less so when you weren’t there to give her any more orgasms.” I chuckle in response and shake my head.
“I did know you guys were there and would find her quickly. Not like she couldn’t have gotten out of it herself.”
It’s his turn to arch a brow and make me roll my eyes. Okay, okay. It wasn’t the nicest thing I could have done. But it isn’t exactly out of the ordinary for me either. “She was being a brat.” I shrug a shoulder, but I know I’ll explain more.
Ry makes it easy to talk to him. He has his own level of derangement that I think may surpass even my own. None of the guys would judge me, Luca would probably understand me best as he’s most likely feeling the same way, but Ry’s a little different. He’s newly broken, not nearly healed yet. He has a certain fuckall attitude that allows him to cut through all the bullshit and get to the core of the issue. He accepts everything about us all with an ease that is rare to find.
I sigh, knowing I’m going to admit it anyways. “I think she wants to forgive Charles,” I explain, tightening my hands around the steering wheel as I grit the words out.
“She does.” He says it so simply, so easily, like it doesn’t drive a knife through my chest.
“She told you that?” I can barely force the words out through the emotions clogging my throat.
Ryder hums as he thinks about how to answer me. “She didn’t have to. I could tell.” I wait for him to continue his explanation. It takes him only a few moments but he does. “From the second I saw how she was reacting to him. She was different. Not the Scar I know.” I nod along in agreement with his words.
“It reminded me of the conversation we had right after she killed my dad. We talked about forgiveness and what it meant to her. How some wounds just can’t be forgiven.”
I continue nodding along to his words as I pull off the freeway. “I agree. Charles doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.”
Ryder laughs and shakes his head, but I’m being serious. I don’t think I can ever forget the lost and lonely look on her face when she realized she had no one left at her side. When he stood back and watched her being tormented day after day until she finally ran away. I had to watch what it did to her, as it broke her down more and more each day when she didn’t have anything left to give.
“It’s not your decision to make, Kade. You can hate him all you want, but Scar has experienced enough pain in her life to know what is and isn’t worth forgiving.”
I scoff. “If you had to watch what I did, you wouldn’t be saying that. You’d want him dead too.”
I can see Thorns coming up and I know we won’t continue this conversation out of this car. There are too many people that could overhear. These pieces of ourselves are meant for our family only.
“I already want him dead,” Ryder laughs, surprising me. I turn to him sharply, and give him a questioning look, but he just shrugs. “I know he hurt our girl. That is always punishable by death in my opinion.” Yes, that’s exactly it. Now Scar just needs to remember that. “But it doesn’t matter what we want or what we think. She was the one who got hurt, and if she feels like she’s healed enough to forgive him then we have to support that.”
A huff of frustration escapes me. “Do you think she has? Healed enough, I mean?”
He shrugs as I pull into the parking lot and head towards the back lot. “I think the fact she’s even considering it shows she has. The Scar I first met would have already killed him, or acted like none of it mattered. She would have laughed it off and been crass and never let any of us see how much she’s struggling.”
I grimace because he has a point, but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of it. It might not be up to me, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me. I pull into Rachel’s spot and turn off the truck.
“I know it isn’t easy to accept, but I’ll ask you this. Would you ever blame Scar for not being able to save her sisters?”
“Fuck no,” I exclaim. “Are you serious?” My anger rises that he could ever even think to ask that.
“Of course not. Because she never meant to hurt them. She was barely able to survive herself. She was too weak to do anything.” My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I wait for him to get to the point. “Maybe it was the same for him. Maybe he was just trying to survive himself and he was too weak to save her.”
I crack my neck, hating how his words make me feel. Weakness isn’t an excuse. Not when it cost Scar everything. Not when she’s still tied up in knots every time she looks at him.
He sighs, but doesn’t hesitate to pat me on the shoulder. “You can forgive weakness because you can fix it. A person can become stronger. Every time he risks himself to give us intel, he’s proving to her that he’s not the same scared and helpless kid she once knew. He’s showing her every day that he’s ready to be someone who can actually help her, and he is. He’s helping all of us. He might have hurt her, but if she’s ready to let that pain go, we need to encourage it.” He pats my shoulder in comfort. “Not all wounds bleed the same, Kade. Not all scars need to hurt forever.”
I hate how much his words make sense. Hate that he’s saying everything I already knew. Hate that this is the exact reason why I ended up in the rings tonight because I didn’t want to admit the truth. Not to her, or anyone, and especially not to myself.
He starts to turn towards the door, but I grab his arm to stop him. He waits and I swallow thickly. He’s a jackass. A hothead that puts even me to shame. And yet he cut to the core of the issue so easily. And I can’t ask one stupid question. I curse under my breath, but he waits patiently.
