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He gives me an indulgent smile, but I can see the apprehension he’s trying so hard to hide. I sigh, knowing they’re all worried about me. Even I’m starting to worry about me. The nightmares have never been this intense and persistent. Not since that first year after everything happened.
New memories of Charles’ dad have been rising to the surface in my dreams as well. Little forgotten moments that once seemed innocent now jaded with the truth of his twisted desires.
“Do you need me to stay?”
I groan, dropping my head to his shoulder. His hands stroke up and down my back and he kisses the top of my head. “I’m okay,” I promise him. Surprisingly enough, it’s not a complete lie. After Tyler volunteered to take on the role of Josie’s bodyguard, I was able to breathe again.
Knowing Donahue had eyes on her had made it almost impossible to breathe. It was why I needed to take the medication to sleep, though that only made the nightmares much worse. At least we learned that lesson.
Josie has her own bodyguards. Logically, I know she’s probably safe, we’ve always had measures in place to take care of her. It was impossible to bury her connection to my old self, even if our friendship was often overlooked. Knowing she was at risk and seeing the evidence of how close that danger lies are two very different things. I wasn’t going to be satisfied she was safe until one of my guys was at her side. Someone I trained and trusted to be a machine. To be as good as me since I couldn’t be there.
Tyler has been with us for a long time and has been training nonstop for the last year. The same way I trusted Ian to have Jade’s back, I knew I could count on Ty to have Josie’s. I’ve never felt such sweet relief as I did when he volunteered for the job.
Declan studies me carefully. “I can stay home,” he offers again. Though I can tell he’s not as worried.
“Won’t invite me with you?” I tease, already knowing the answer. They’ve all been sneaking around, throwing heavy looks at one another when they think I’m not paying attention.
I’ll let them have their secrets for now. It’s all very reminiscent of when they came home with Blu out of nowhere. If it’s another pet, Charlene may just throttle them. It sounds like their mess to figure out.
I start to pour myself another glass of coffee and Declan grabs it out of my hands. “I have to meet Ryder, and I think I’ll be taking this with me. Eat some real food.”
I scoff as he backs out of the kitchen with a smirk and wink. What a dick. He didn’t even attempt to answer me. I move back to the fridge and grab stuff to make lunch for everyone. At least I can feel productive.
The sound of footsteps makes tension creep up my spine. They aren’t immediately recognizable to me which leaves only one person in the house that they could possibly belong to. Charles.
“Can I help with anything?”
I turn to find him standing uncertainly in the doorway, his hands in his pockets as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. I bite my lip as I consider him. We haven’t talked since I overheard their argument the other day. I’m not even sure if he knows I heard most of it.
Slowly nodding, I gesture to the fridge. “You can make a salad. Don’t add carrots or Kade may actually kill you.”
He gives me a brief smile, one I find surprisingly easy to return. The years of resentment and hurt didn’t wash away with his admissions. Old wounds can’t heal that quickly, and they may never fully recover. Whether his guilt was real or not, my pain and suffering was. I still lost my best friend. Still felt utterly alone and helpless. Abandoned.
Even with the tumultuous emotions gnawing at my stomach that have been present since I first laid eyes on him again, new ones of relief and hope are beginning to bloom. To overshadow the darkness that haunted our pasts. Maybe the guys were right, and I was always ready to mend this one bridge. To have a flicker of light that once shined so brightly inside of me return, even if it’s only a modicum of what it once was.
Being the light sounds nice until you realize all that it hides in the shadows.
The silence weighs heavily on the room. Nothing but the sounds of his knife chopping vegetables and the low simmer of the sauce on the stove to accompany my rapidly beating heart. Neither one of us sure how to start the conversation that obviously needs to happen.
I can practically hear Declan screaming in my ear about talking about my feelings in order to move on from them. The thing is, I may be able to be vulnerable with my men, but some things will never change.
No part of me wants to have a heart-to-heart with my childhood best friend. Not right now. I’d rather just move on, deal with my emotions on my own. It’s not like we can ever go back to the innocent teens that once clung to each other. He’s no longer my only light shrouded by darkness. No longer my safety net.
“I feel like I owe you a lot of explanations.” He breaks the silence, never slowing in the task I gave him.
I keep my back to him as I stir the sauce and eye the water, waiting for it to boil. “You don’t.” There’s no need to turn around to see his expression to know he’s confused. “I heard your conversation with the guys.”
His knife slows, the crunch of the lettuce stopping. I flinch and refocus on my own tasks, refusing to turn in his direction. The sounds resume as he starts once again.
“So you know I never wanted to abandon you.” He sounds much older than our 26 years. All the trauma will do that.
“I know.” And I do. I don’t doubt the story he’s telling. Everything I ever had questions about clicked into place with every word out of his mouth. “I know you’re the one who pulled me from the fire too.”
He clears his throat before asking, “You didn’t remember?”
Feeling his eyes on me, I shake my head. “My head was fucked up for a long time. None of my memories are quite right.”
Silence descends again as my water begins to boil. I take my time, pouring the pasta in. It isn’t until I’m done he finally speaks again. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.” Emotion makes his voice hoarse and my eyes sting with moisture. Not for myself, but for the kids we once were.
