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Guilt begins to creep up my spine. A part of me knew this plan would upset them, but I was confident that it wasn’t actually reckless. Which is what my promise was actually about. Somehow I get the feeling trying to split hairs here will just land me in more trouble.
“Well, I did get some answers,” I offer as a white flag. The looks on their faces tell me this discussion is far from over, but at the very least we might be able to put a pin in it for now. “He calls someone when he has information and gets a location to drop it off.”
Ryder runs his tongue over his teeth, a manic light in his eyes. “So this isn’t the final destination?”
I shake my head. “He was waiting for a call back. But it seems there are a few possibilities that he normally drops intel off at.”
“The same ones?” Luca asks. Unsure if he’s asking me or the man hanging from his hands, I just shrug and point at him. Luca gives him a little shake and it does funny things to my insides that a therapist would probably be worried about.
Declan gives me a knowing look and I stick my tongue out at him, making his jaw lock. Oof. He’s still mad-mad.
My sanity might be breaking just a little bit after all, now that I think about it, because I really want to push him. Push all of them. Yeah, a therapist would probably have a lot to say about a lot of the decisions I’ve made today.
“Yes,” Andre stutters, transfixed on the blood that splatters over Luca’s skin. I tilt my head and try to find that place of peace in my mind, where I have total control, where I can push out all of the emotions, turn them off and turn into cold steel.
I shake my head and stretch my arms in front of me. I can’t find it. Can’t turn it off.
There’s an unfamiliar energy bubbling up from deep inside me, crashing through my body and making my thoughts and nerves go haywire. Surprisingly, it’s not unpleasant. It almost makes me feel powerful, invigorated, dominant.
Energy and elation soar through me, but where my usual steadfast control in these situations quiets my chaos, this feeling emboldens it. Makes the thrum in my veins and the pounding of my heart intensify, creating a roar in my ears as waves of emotions crash through me. It makes me feel invincible, unstoppable.
My hands shake at my sides, not in fear or anxiety, but I can’t say why either. The sensation is both new and somewhat familiar, but I can’t place where I know it from. When I’ve experienced this type of chaos in my mind before. Understanding my thoughts are erratic and not wholly mine, yet not being able to care enough to find that peace.
For the first time in a long time, I don’t trust myself.
Hands wrap around both of mine. Declan on one side and Noah on the other. Their eyes are filled with hesitation and concern. Declan slips the knife out of my hand and slips it into his pocket without a word. Relief and anger pour through me in equal measures at the move. I shake my head trying to clear the confusion. Am I finally losing my mind?
The thought makes me laugh.
More concern. In every single set of eyes as they turn my way. Heavy stares that weigh on me with the emotion ricocheting through them. Pressure builds in my chest and it’s all too much. My mind screams and my fingers twitch. The manic energy demands to be set free, to be fed blood, to finally have the answers that will lead us down the next step on my path to revenge.
My hands begin to ache and I look down to find Noah’s grip has tightened on me, his eyes pleading for me to clear the haze and come back to him. The same understanding and plea shines in Declan’s eyes on my other side.
I wrap my fingers around their hands and squeeze back gently. I’m still here. I haven’t lost my mind. Yet. My anchor and my peace are here, keeping me tethered to reality while reminding me what calm feels like. I grip their hands tighter and they both step closer to me. Their tall bodies should overwhelm me as they bracket my sides, towering over me with their shoulders pressed against mine, but instead I find just a bit of that comfort, that control again. Not enough to begin to trust myself again, but enough to remember why I can’t.
These situations, runs, missions, recon, every step that we’ve taken down this path has been methodical. We don’t gather intel recklessly without intention. There’s a method to our madness. A control in our chaos.
I’ve been reckless with my safety, but never with the job. It always gets done. Gets done right. But as I stare at Andre shaking in Luca’s hands, all I want is his blood. I want him dead. I crave to feel the blood against my skin, to feel my blade slide smoothly into his flesh, to hear his cries as he begs for a mercy that will never come. There’s no control here, no method in this state. Just chaos and madness.
That’s all that’s left of me.
I lost control with Romano and I haven’t been able to find it since.
Tears spring to my eyes and heavy arms wrap around me, one around my waist and one over my shoulders. They bring me comfort but the familiar control I’ve held onto is still nowhere to be found. There’s only one choice left to be made, to give up control, to step back, to let them lead and accept that I am unable to. Not like this, not right now.
Declan understands with a single look and some of the fear is chased away as Noah presses a kiss against my hair. “We’ve got you, baby girl.”
A silent exchange happens between Luca and Declan and relief pours through me at the savage grin that spreads across Luca’s face when understanding takes root. He’s going to enjoy extracting payment for every second of fear he had to experience at my disappearance in the blood of the man who took me.
Why did I ever think it would be okay? That they would be okay with this plan? I know them better than to think that. Of course they would panic and fear what had happened to me.
Guilt begins to churn in my stomach. I fucked up. Again.
Reality begins to seep in and I can’t quite understand my own thoughts from just a few moments ago. I’ve never felt quite like this. Lost and confused, but different.
Luca throws Andre into a chair and Kade materializes at his side, a knife already in hand as he stares down at Andre, taunting him with a malicious gleam in his eyes.
“Let’s start by showing you how to properly secure someone to a chair, shall we?” Luca says casually as he begins to tie Andre’s hands and feet down. He struggles to fight against him, but Kade is ready and already holding him in place gleefully before he can make any real effort to escape.
