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Looking back, I can recognize the odd thought patterns, the irregular behavior, the inability to sleep, but while going through it I couldn’t see just how off I was. How out of sorts I felt until I started to regulate again. It’s a new and disorienting feeling.
Kade and Luca lead us down the hallway and push open the door to the hotel room, barely having to stop. Declan and Noah are right behind me, practically touching my shoulders with theirs as if they need to be concerned about me trying to bolt. I’d roll my eyes, but I can’t exactly blame them after the stunt I pulled today. At least they weren’t too furious.
I push through the guys and my weird mood evaporates when I catch sight of Josie sitting on the couch, looking out the window. She jumps to her feet as soon as she sees me and we both throw ourselves at the other, laughing.
Her eyes shine with moisture and I cock my head in confusion. She releases me from her hug and lands a resounding slap on my ass. “You weren’t supposed to disappear!”
I cringe at the rebuke. Apparently I’m not done being raked over the coals for the decisions I’ve made today. “It all worked out,” I say, adopting a casual air I don’t feel. Several grunts behind me tell me the guys aren’t quite as over it as I may have thought. Maybe torture and orgasms weren’t enough to make my mistake disappear. Who would have thought? It probably would have worked on me.
Josie’s eyes travel past me and she smirks and huffs a near-silent laugh. Charles gives her an awkward wave and half smile, clearly not knowing how she’s going to respond to his being here. Josie may not have been in a high position at our high school, but she never let that stop her from doing her damn best to defend me during the worst days of my life.
“Never thought I’d see the two of you in the same room again.” She gives me an appraising look. “And so cordial too.”
I wave away her words. “People grow up, new truths come to light, yada yada.”
Charles hangs his head in shame. He takes a deep breath and meets her eyes, a sincerity burning in his gaze I know for a fact wasn’t there when he had this conversation with the guys.
“If I had the power back then to do more, I would have. I swear, even when it didn’t look like it, I was always doing my best to protect her.”
Josie walks up to him, her heels clacking against the tile of the entryway. I should really get her and Rachel together. We could probably plan world domination between us. She pats him on the cheek. “It is quite nice to discover you aren’t the monster douche canoe we once thought you were.”
I can’t help the snort that escapes me. I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that the always eloquent Josie just said monster douche canoe, or Charles’ face when she did.
The guys all break up into different conversations, breaking the moment up. A slight tremble begins in my fingers and they twitch with the craving of control and the sweet burn of nicotine. As everyone begins to split up into jobs now that we have new intel, I decide to slip into the adjoining room and finally change out of this dress. Luca has this under control, they don’t need me for now. At least not until I can pin down the sense of unease in my gut.
After changing into comfier clothes, I sneak out onto the balcony with my old lucky lighter and a pack of cigarettes. Somehow, I don’t think one will be enough to settle the riotous emotions building in me.
It doesn’t even surprise me when Josie plops down beside me before I even have the chance to light my first cigarette. She eyes it distastefully, but I don’t react as I lift it to my lips, inhaling deeply as I hold the lighter to the tip of it.
She waits for me to take several inhales and exhale the light clouds of smoke. My eyes focus on the wisps as they ascend above us, floating away into nothing and disappearing. For so long I wished to follow those wisps and escape into the nothingness. Wished that the fire had destroyed what was left of me.
Was the girl who made that decision today the same girl who wished for that? Or was it something different? Some new part of myself I don’t understand? I don’t know what’s more terrifying to me.
“What has you feeling out of control?”
I flick the ash off the end of my cigarette and roll the smoke over my tongue, slowly exhaling it before I answer Josie, “I fucked up.”
She nods, not even bothering to try and console me that it wasn’t that bad. “It’s not the first time,” she points out. Some may think she’s teasing, but we know each other better than that. She knows I’m not one to wallow in my own mistakes.
“I thought I was past these types of fuck ups.” An arched brow pushes me to keep explaining. “The reckless, putting myself in danger, not caring if I live or die types of mistakes.”
“Is that what this was?”
Her soft, soothing voice makes the tension ease out of my shoulders as I drop the defensiveness as I fully consider her question. It isn’t until I’m halfway through my second cigarette that I finally respond, “I don’t know.”
She claps her hands together, never fazed by anything I throw at her. After all these years, I should know she’s as solid as they come. An unmovable rock that will forever be on my side, and yet she still surprises me. She doesn’t fit in this life. The blood and greed and mayhem we’re surrounded with. She’s the light at the end of the dark tunnel, the path to a better life, the hope people like me cling to on our very worst days. Yet, she’s as infallible as ever.
“Then let’s go through it.” Her tone is far too cheery for the subject matter and my expression must say my thoughts because she flips me off. “Come on, it’ll help. Tell me about a time that you made choices that weren’t in your best interest. Other than today.”
It doesn’t take long to come up with the day I hid the fact I had been shot in the arm while we were saving Roe. She glares at me as I fess up to the incident that hadn’t reached her ears, but she doesn’t lecture me.
“What was the thought process behind that?”
I take a moment to reflect back on those moments, the pain in my arm, the slickness of the blood seeping into my clothes and running down my skin, the weight of my baby girl in my arms for the first time. “I knew I could handle the pain and blood loss more than she could handle her fear. She was more important to me, even then. It didn’t matter if it hurt me in the long run, as long as she was okay, as long as she was safe. It was easy to just push through.”
She tilts her head to the side as she studies me. “Would you make the same call now?”
I chew my lip and put out the butt of my cigarette but don’t reach for a new one. At least not yet. “Probably,” I admit. “I’ll always put that little girl’s needs above my own and she needed me in that moment even if I was hurting.” Before she can chastise me, I put up my hands in my defense. “But I would come clean as soon as we were in the tunnels. Instead of running injured, I would have asked Luca and Kade to take the few minutes it would take to patch me up to minimize the damage it inflicted on me. At least mitigate some of the blood loss.”
