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She scoffs. “At least that’s somewhat rational.” I don’t have anything to say to that. I have a hard time believing any mom would do anything different. We aren’t rational about our kids and that girl was my daughter from the moment I laid my eyes on her, even if I didn’t know it right away. “Why didn’t you though? It wouldn’t have hurt her to wait for just a few minutes, like you said.”
The answer weighs heavily on me and brings up an old sense of guilt. “I just didn’t care enough.”
“About yourself?” she clarifies and I nod. The agreement sits thickly between us. Her voice is just above a whisper, the emotion evident in the husk it takes as she continues. “And what about today? What was running through your head when you decided to use yourself as bait? Noah said you kept referring to a plan, but it was one only you knew. That’s not like you.”
“I know,” I whisper back. Confusion and anguish at the distress I caused them drowning me. “A lot was running through my head. A lot,” I admit. “This fear that even if we went to the party and found your tails, it wouldn’t lead anywhere. That someone else would recognize me and my cover would be blown and I wouldn’t get to have my revenge on my terms. Hope that answers were just at the tip of my fingers. Anger that Romano had them and I killed him in a rage. Guilt that I lost control.”
“Did you think using yourself as bait would help you regain that control?”
My head aches as I try to sort through everything that was running through my brain and try to explain it in a way that makes sense. An impossible task when I consider how fast and erratic the thoughts were.
“Maybe?” I shake my head. “It was this fleeting thought that just crossed through my mind, and then before I knew it I recognized an opportunity to put it into action and I didn’t hesitate. I was already tied up in his back seat before I even really realized what I had done.”
She shudders and I know she’s doing her best to push away her own fear at my impulsivity. “And when you were tied up in his back seat, were you scared?”
I shrug as I check my nails. I don’t think she’s going to like my answer. “Not really.”
“Why?”
My fingers twitch and I crave another cigarette. “I knew I was stronger than him. Knew I could escape at any time I wanted.”
“And why didn’t you?”
I cave and pull out another cigarette and light it up. It’s a twisted logic that ran through my head, but it still makes sense to me, even if it was the wrong call. “I trusted the guys to find me and knew there were answers to be found right where I was.”
She claps her hands together again. “Well, there you go.” She rolls her eyes at my silence. “While reckless and stupid and dangerous, it wasn’t out of a passive suicidalness. It wasn’t because you didn’t care what happened to you, you just got so lost in the big picture you didn’t take into account the step-by-step of how to get there.”
I exhale slowly, thinking about her words. “So I’m not suicidal, just stupid?”
She clicks her tongue. “You said it, not me.”
We both break our serious expressions and burst out laughing. Some of my agitation eases but I can’t help but still overthink the whole thing.
Josie sombers as she watches me. “In all seriousness, I think the problem is something different. Something you’ve probably experienced but never had the tools to truly realize how out of sorts you were feeling because you didn’t have a good baseline of emotions and now you do.” She taps her fingers on the side of the wicker loveseat we’re sitting on. “I’m not a therapist, but I think you were having something like a manic episode.”
I sit back in the chair and focus on the smoke again. I’m not a therapist either, but I know a bit about mania. It can be associated with a few different disorders, but I’m not an expert in any way, shape, or form. “Maybe,” I concede.
“Would you ever consider talking to someone?”
I give her a droll look. “And how would that therapy session go? I was feeling a little amped up from not being able to kill my abusers fast enough so I hunted their minions down and tortured them for hours while three of my boyfriends made me orgasm multiple times?”
She narrows her eyes at me. “Probably too much information, even for me.”
“You know how I feel about therapy. It really helps so many of the victims we’ve saved.” She nods her agreement. “But there’s always the exception. I’ve gone too far into the shadows to try and heal the healthy way now. I don’t think murdering people will ever be an acceptable coping mechanism.”
“Fair enough,” Josie concedes and we both burst into laughter again before slipping into a comfortable silence. Her theory makes sense, and while new and still unsettling it’s something I can handle. Something to look into and learn about. I don’t feel as lost anymore.
The door slides open and my brows furrow when it’s Tyler instead of one of my guys.
“Hey, Ty.” Josie smiles as she squeezes my knee. “I was just about to head in.”
He pulls out a cigarette from behind his ear. “Was just coming out for a smoke.” She gets up and heads inside while he plops down beside me, lighting up. I follow suit as I watch Josie close the door behind her. His eyes don’t follow her.
“Thought you might be into Josie for a second there,” I admit.
Ty snorts and gives me an exasperated look. “What made you think that?”
I shrug and inhale slowly. The burn is not as satisfying now that I’ve calmed down but there’s still a certain peace I can only find with my lungs full of the poison smoke. “You were so eager to take this job and then at the gala you had your hands all over her.”
