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Things were hard when I found out about her affair with Kellen. He was her therapist, which was supremely unhealthy in so many ways, especially when it turns out she had originally gone to see him to talk about the fact she was struggling to be faithful to me. The prick had taken advantage of my wife—or at least that was what I believed back then. Now, who knows what was really true.
My first reaction was that we should get divorced, and Melody was on board. We hired attorneys and drafted paperwork.
But we never signed anything.
I couldn’t bear the thought of splitting custody of Teddy, of divvying up our life and chopping it into manageable bits. And I believed her when she told me the affair with Kellen was something she regretted.
So I suggested we see someone—a woman, this time—to work through our issues.
We talked through the things that made her feel alone and lonely, the reasons why she went looking elsewhere—it mostly revolved around her desire to feel sexy again after becoming a mother, and her belief that all I would ever see her as was a mom. So I took that on board, decided to forgive her, believing I could work on the thing that had sent her searching elsewhere, believing things were not only savable, but worth saving.
Then we decided together that we would start fresh, somewhere new. Somewhere that would give us a chance to begin again with the past safely tucked behind us.
She got a job at the hospital in Santa Barbara fairly quickly, and we moved out here right before Christmas, living in a musty beach rental for two months until we found and bought this place just fifteen minutes away from her work.
Those two months were so happy, and then the first few months in this house were happy, too, as we settled in. We laughed a lot and played with Teddy and spent time together in the pool and at the beach.
Sandalwood was so different than Charleston, but it was cute and warm and felt like a good place for a small family to build a life.
I thought that was what we were doing.
But I guess I was wrong.
I thought her issues were in the past, thought I was giving her the attention she needed. But clearly, I hadn’t really heard her. Hadn’t been what she needed, what she wanted in the long run.
I hear the sliding door to the back yard open, and then Teddy is racing across the yard outside my office, Emily running with a smile behind him. He’ll probably be going down for a nap soon, but for now, he’s got more than enough energy to zoom around on the green grass, under that damn magnolia tree.
He looks just like her.
Melody.
The same wide eyes and mischievous smile that made me fall in love with her in the first place. But I don’t see any of me in there.
Just as quickly as that thought arrives in my mind, I shove it back, way down deep, to a place where I won’t think about it any further. Because the truth is that I don’t know if I’d be able to handle examining where that thought might lead to.
***
“You know we’re just a plane ride away.”
My mother’s sweet, reassuring voice and loving eyes hit me right in the chest on Saturday evening as we relax on the new sofa I just had delivered.
“I know,” I tell her, because they constantly remind me. “But we’re gonna be fine.”
“Of course you’re going to be fine,” my dad says, slapping his hand on his knee for emphasis. “You’re not holed up like a zombie anymore, your kid is getting some attention, and that nanny is doing a great job.”
I snort.
“You’re going to be more than fine,” he says again.
Nodding, I give him a smile. “Yes, dad. Thank you for that.”
I appreciate his vote of confidence, but there’s always something slightly underhanded about the way he says stuff like that. Like, you’re going to be fine now…now that we’ve hired you a nanny to help you handle the things you wouldn’t have been able to take care of without us stepping in.
“So, how did things go this week? Was Emily everything her recommendations said she would be?”
My mother’s question isn’t a surprise, but it still takes me a second to answer her because…well, because it’s never easy to eat crow.
The truth is that Emily has been fantastic, even though I still can’t stand her presence in my house. She keeps Teddy busy and mostly in a good mood, takes him out of the house to the park and the library…things I haven’t thought of doing in a very long time.
