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She hands me her glass, and I watch her go to a bag she must have left on the ground, now next to a champagne bucket. She comes back holding a cheesecake. As she does, a live saxophonist begins to play the sounds of Kenny G. We lean back against a railing, taking turns working our way through the bottle of champagne and bites of cheesecake.
Up here, high above the city, with her, with a killer cheesecake, I don’t have a care in the world. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this.
‘I’m sorry about earlier, on the phone.’
I take the cheesecake and fork from her. ‘Don’t worry about it. I don’t know why I mentioned it. I just happen to be going to Staten Island this weekend, and I thought maybe I could show you the boardwalk.’ I put a spoonful of utterly delicious chocolate orange cheesecake in my mouth. Without swallowing, I tell her, ‘It’s not worth getting fat about.’
‘Oh my gosh, that’s disgusting,’ she says through a chuckle.
‘So was the thought of you sitting up here eating an entire cheesecake by yourself, Chubs.’
She snorts, actually snorts, and it’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time.
‘I wouldn’t have eaten the whole thing, you know.’ She takes a breath and closes her eyes, lifting her face to the sky. She looks relaxed. Peaceful. Angelic even. ‘The saxophone is beautiful.’ The saxophone is nice, for sure. But what is truly beautiful is her skin, glowing under the twinkling city lights, her long hair flowing down her back. While her eyes are closed, I let myself indulge in the sight of her. The way her bottom lip is more plump than the top and begging to be nipped between my teeth.
‘When I left the UK, I left a nine-year relationship.’
Her words are barely more than a whisper above the saxophone, but they bring me back to the here and now. I think of an appropriate response as I will my semi to disappear. I want to keep her talking and letting me in. For some reason, I want to understand this woman.
She inhales deeply. So deeply, her chest rises. ‘I feel like I’ve only just found out who I really am.’ She opens her eyes and turns her head to look at me. ‘I panicked earlier because I’m not here, in New York, looking for a relationship, and family just sounded relationship-y. Although, I understand it wasn’t intended to be, obviously.’ She squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head. ‘You must think I’m crazy.’
‘I don’t.’
When she opens her eyes, they’re staring right into mine. I have forgotten entirely what we were talking about.
‘This job came up in New York and I wanted to get away. I wanted to get off my doorstep and leave behind… I just wanted to be allowed to be myself.’
‘I get that.’ I do. Entirely. I’ve worked hard to make a life for myself that is completely different from my childhood, different from my parents’ struggles to bring up a family of five. ‘I know the feeling.’
‘I just don’t want to lose the self I’ve found. I’m just not looking for a relationship, Drew. Not that I’m a one-night-stand kind of girl either.’
‘You’re babbling, British Becky. You don’t need to defend yourself. Believe me, I know you’re not a one-night-stand kind of girl.’
She bites down on her lip and nods.
‘I’m really not anything other than a one-night-stand kind of guy, so this works quite well, wouldn’t you say?’
She smirks. ‘We’re completely incompatible.’
‘Exactly. I like spending time with you, Becky. You make things… better, somehow too. So, what do you say we hang out sometimes and we don’t worry about the stuff that makes life complicated?’
‘Sounds good.’
We resume our position, both leaning back against the railing. I meant what I said. I enjoy her company, and I’m not looking for a relationship either. But I can’t pretend her words haven’t cut me. Why? I have no idea.
We watch the city and listen to the smooth sound of the sax, in silence. Comfortable silence. It’s not until we’re out of the clouds and back on the sidewalk that I ask the burning question I’ve been wondering about. ‘What happened? With you and the guy?’
Her exhale puffs out her cheeks. ‘Long answer. I was seventeen when we got together. I wasn’t the most confident person in the world. He represented safety, I guess. He cared for me and looked out for me. I was naïve. I didn’t realize that he, the town I grew up in, family, everything stopped me from ever working out who I really am. Short answer: babies.’
‘Babies?’
She shakes her head quickly. ‘Oh, I don’t have them. You could say we split because we were in different places about the idea. I mean, that’s kind of why we split. I should have walked away a long time before I did.’
I don’t know why I keep pressing for more, but I do. ‘You wanted kids and he didn’t?’
She stops abruptly, making me stop and face her. ‘Men. You all assume we women want to clean your dishes, do your ironing and have your babies, don’t you?’ She’s scowling and there’s definitely a lot of meaning behind her words.
I hold up my hands. ‘I stand corrected.’ But I want more. ‘So, it was you who didn’t want them?’
