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“I do not deserve to be called by the name my parents gave me. I lost that privilege when I tried to kill myself.”
I nod, not that he can see it in the darkness. I was right about the straps.
“My father would be so disappointed in me.”
“Maybe,” I say. “Or maybe he would be devastated to know the pain you suffered that made suicide the best option for you. Maybe he would understand.”
We’re quiet for a while. I’m ready to go to sleep, and I’m guessing Shep is too. But I still want to comfort him. As I pet him, I can feel that his long hair is still in a man bun at the back of his head. Working silently, I undo the hair band. Sitting over him, I comb my fingers through his hair, working out tangles, until I hear him lightly snoring.
“Goodnight, Erik,” I whisper into the dark.
Chapter 6
Cora
Shep is gonewhen I wake up, but I’m not alone. When I shuffle out of my little bedroom, I find Jud on the couch, bent over a map he has spread out on the coffee table.
“Mornin’,” he says without looking up. He’s all broad, muscled shoulders and thick thighs doing a man-spread that somehow takes over the entire couch.
I lick my lips. How can I be so attracted to him when he’s so aloof? I manage a one-word greeting. “Hi.”
“Sleep well?” Still not looking up, he makes a mark with a pen.
I shrug, not that he can see it with his attention on the map. “Meh.” I could use another couple of hours, but, weirdly, it’s harder for me to sleep without someone in the bed beside me. “Where’s Shep?”
“Chores.”
I frown. “That’s not fair.”
Jud looks up at that. One eyebrow punches up in an impatient question.
“Yesterday, you got to spend the morning with me until breakfast. And the day before, Doc did. And Grim.” I treasured those precious hours after dawn, the sleepy cuddling before the day lurched into motion, the reassurance that the giving and receiving of pleasure brought us closer. “Shep shouldn’t have to get up and leave so soon. Isn’t there someone else who can do his morning chores? Doc or somebody?” When Shep was with the others on the scavenge, it was Doc who took care of the animals and did the cooking.
Jud returns his attention to the map. I conclude he’s not going to answer, but after a beat, he says, “I’ll assign his morning duties to someone else when he spends the night with you.”
I blink in surprise. Jud just listened to me. He agreed to do what I said.
“Um, thank you.”
He glances at me, and the corner of his mouth twitches. I remember he likes when I thank him with kisses, but I’m not feeling particularly affectionate just now. I mean, I have morning breath. And Jud’s being all focused and stuff.
“I have to pee,” I blurt out, and I retreat into the cabin’s bathroom.
Through the hollow-core door I hear him say, “You can thank me later, kitten.”
I don’t know what to make of the fact I’m looking forward to that. I mean, last night was Shep’s turn, and tonight will be someone else’s, someonenotJud. The Eagle Peak leader has given me permission to enjoy his—um—penis anytime I want, not just on his nights with me. It’s mine, after all, even if I haven’t come up with a name for it, yet. But I get the feeling Jud wouldn’t like it very much if I took the same liberties with the others.
I get ready for the day, thinking about juggling seven boyfriends, three of whom I have yet to spend the night with. And I think about Shep and what I learned last night.
At some point in the past, he tried to end his own life. He feels shame over it. My heart goes out to him. I wish I’d been able to check in with him this morning to see how he’s doing after that confession. I also feel like maybe I failed Shep because I didn’t give him any pleasure last night.
That’s my job, isn’t it? That’s what Jud has asked of me in exchange for his protection. I feel like I have to make up for lost time with my sensitive Norwegian. I don’t want Shep to feel like he got the short end of the stick. I mean, he already had to leave earlier than anyone else because of his morning chores.
I suppose I could drag him to the barn for a BJ after breakfast. I frown at my reflection as I scoop my hair into a ponytail. No. That doesn’t feel like me. At least, not the me I am with Shep. The me I am with Jud might do that—she kind ofwantsto do that—but I still feel like this is Shep’s turn, so I don’t want to think about Jud. Or anyone else. Right?
Ugh. This is so complicated.
Right now, I’m not in the mood to deal with the fairness of sexual favors or the feelings a whole bunch of men might have about me. Right now, I’m in a mood to work. There’s a settlement of men who need feeding and gardens that need tending.
