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I hate thewhining sound of my voice, but I also hate that Rev got my hopes up that he would heal me and now he’s saying he’s not going to. Well, he didn’t exactly say he wouldn’thealme. What he said was that he wouldn’t put his fingers or his penis inside me. Same difference, because I need to get used to being penetrated if I’m ever going to be able to have sex with my guys.
“Please,” I beg. “Iamready. I know it. I can do this. Ihaveto do this.” To prove how ready I am, I let the sheet fall from my breasts.
Rev’s eyes are wild, as usual, as he takes me in, but the rest of him appears as relaxed as can be. His hands are linked behind his head, putting his lean muscles on display. The covers come up to just below his nipples. The tops of the horns of a demonic-looking goat head appear to pierce his pecs with grisly tattooed rips dripping blood. I’m glad the face of the tattoo is hidden at the moment, because I feel vulnerable. The fewer eyes on my naked chest, the better.
I hate the vulnerability I feel when I’m trying to show Rev that I’m ready for sex. To combat the feeling, I thrust out my chest. With my posture, I’m showing him I’m a woman who wants to offer herself to him. Maybe even a woman who wants what he has to offer.
“Are you done?” He’s smirking, but there’s a sadness to the expression, like he finds me tragically amusing.
Hurt floods in and I grab up the sheet again. Tears fill my eyes. I’m embarrassed and confused, and I wish I could hide.
“Hey, now. Easy, little one.” Rev sits up and gathers me to him. “Don’t go thinkin’ I’m not tempted, because I am. I just know that what you think you need—that ain’t what you need.”
He rubs my back, and the embarrassment yields to something else. A sob builds in my chest, and then I’m collapsing into Rev and bawling all over him.
“I’m so tired of being broken!” His arms come around me as I let it all out. “I want to be able to thank all of you for everything! I want to be a normal girl who likes sex and can make love and not freak out at the thought of it!” I’m blubbering and sniffing and making a mess on Rev’s chest.
He takes my face in his hands, thumbs wiping my tears. Bending to peer into my eyes, he says, “I’ll try to fix you, baby, but you gotta let me lead, yeah?”
Feeling defeated, I nod. I’m not sure how he’s going to fix anything without pushing my physical boundaries, but it’s clear he’s got a plan, and it’s not in alignment with mine. Unless I want to spend the night frustrating him and myself, I should probably trust him.
“Good girl. Now, Cora, baby. I need you to get it out of your head that your problem is physical. Hell, I need you to get it out of your head that the problem is yours. Because it’s not.”
I disagree on both counts, but I’m supposed to keep an open mind. I try not to let my disbelief show on my face. “Okay,” I say without conviction.
“Come on, little one. Lie back with Daddy, and let’s talk.” He guides me to lie alongside him.
We’re wrapped tight in the blankets. His body is warm. I like being beside a man like this, skin to skin. When there’s no threat of anything going inside me, I can relax and enjoy the comfort of just being near someone strong and kind. It’s like with nothing between us, I can feel the comforting vibes he’s putting off that much more powerfully. Maybe Rev was onto something with the whole naked thing.
“You comfy?” he asks with a kiss to the top of my head.
I nod.
“You feel safe with me?”
I prop my chin on his chest to look at him. He’s not a traditionally handsome man. His face is angular, and his forehead is a little too tall because of a retreating hairline. The creases around his mouth are deep, and his skin reminds me of leather. The life he’s lived shows in every pore. His faint wrinkles are a roadmap of lessons learned. In short, he may not be handsome, but heisstriking. I enjoy looking at him. I’m even starting to enjoy those crazy eyes.
“Yes.” The answer is automatic. There’s a quiet confidence about him that truly makes me feel calm and protected.
“That’s good, baby. That’s real good.”
I love when Rev praises me. His approval is a drug I could get addicted to.
I fight the urge to ask,What now?I said I would let him lead, and I will. Even if I don’t think it will work. On the outside, I’m relaxing in Rev’s arms, leaning into his petting, and trying to be as patient as he is. But inside, I’m a mess of regret and failure. I won’t be able to give Grim what I wish I could give him tomorrow night, and it’s crushing me.
“Tell me, Cora,” he says, and I listen carefully, because he used my name. “What are you most afraid of? If you are never able to take a man inside your body, what’s the worst that will happen?”
I blink. Well, duh. That’s easy. “If I can’t ever have sex, then I’m completely useless. I won’t be able to give you guys what men need from women, and I won’t be able to have children. So, I’d be useless not only to you all but to the whole world.” I don’t want to believe I’m the only woman left alive on the planet, but I can’t deny I’m the only one in the entire northwest of the United States—or, I guess, the former United States. At least, I’m the only one the guys here know about. That’s a heavy weight to carry.
“Easy, baby. Your shoulders are bunching up.” He drags me on top of him so we’re chest to chest, and he sets his long fingers to work kneading the muscles of my neck and shoulders.
“Sorry.” I try to relax. It helps that he’s even more comfortable than the mattress. He’s warm and solid and breathing peacefully, and the hairs on his chest—yes, some of them are gray—make a downy cushion for my breasts. My legs fall around his hips, making me open to him, but I know he’s not going to do anything to freak me out. Not only because he said he wouldn’t, but because his penis isn’t jabbing at me. It’s as relaxed as he is.
“No need to apologize. But I do have a bone to pick with how you see yourself.”
I roll my head on his shoulder to look at him, and his hooded eyes peer down at me. They’re not so crazy from this perspective. Maybe the herbal tea is making him sleepy.
“Okay.” I’m ready for his “bone to pick,” even if I’m skeptical. There’s no arguing with the facts, which are: I’m the only woman to seven men, men have needs, and if I don’t have babies, humanity could become extinct, at least in this area of the world. “Lay it on me, Daddy,” I say, challenging him to change my mind.
