Page 99 of State of Denial


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“I’m sweating on the inside.”

“You’d never know it.”

“No matter what I’m doing, there’s always something else I should be doing. That weighs on me.”

“I’m sure it does.”

“It was funny yesterday with the twins—they said it was a ‘weird day’ because I picked them up at school and Shelby wasn’t there. It made me realize that while I’m eating myself up with guilt over not being with them every day after school, they have a routine with Celia that works for them. And Lilia, Roni and the others in the first lady’s office have things under control.”

“I hope you take some comfort from that.”

“I do, but I still wish it was me meeting the twins every day after school.”

“All working mothers want that, but it’s not practical.”

“For most, it’s not. They depend on the income from their jobs. That’s not the case for me. I mean, the money is nice to have, but Nick makes enough to support us. He has for quite some time.”

“Just because you don’t need the money doesn’t mean you don’t need the job.”

Sam smiled as she looked over at him. “That’s it exactly. I need the job for myself.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that. Tell me you know that.”

“I do. It’s just been more complicated since the kids came into my life. For so long, I dreamed about having babies, and I’ve come to realize that things happened the way they did because I’m not equipped to put the rest of my life on hold to tend to a newborn.”

“It’s interesting that you see that now.”

“Having Scotty and the twins living with us has made me see a lot of things. But especially that.”

“Elin and I have talked about what we’d do if or when we have a baby.”

“When, not if. I feel it in my bones. You’re going to be parents—somehow, some way. It’ll happen.”

“That’s good to hear. We’ve more or less decided that she’ll work weekends at the gym and be home with the baby during the week. It’ll be a big financial hit, but day care would be a bigger hit.”

“Ang would watch the baby for you guys and give you a deal.”

“She’s going to have enough on her plate already.”

“She loves kids and babies. By the time yours arrived, she’d be past the early stages of intense grief and would have a routine figured out. I bet she’d love to watch your baby—and yours would keep her new little one company.”

“I’m getting ahead of myself even having this conversation.”

“No, you’re making plans, which is smart.”

Sam took a call from Assistant U.S. Attorney Faith Miller on speaker. “Hey, Faith. What’s up?”

“I wanted to let you know that the preliminary hearing for Javier Lopez has been set for a week from Monday. Thought you might want to be there.”

“You thought right. Have you notified Lenore?”

“She’s my next call.”

“Do you mind if I call her?”

“That’d be fine with me. It’s scheduled for four p.m.”

“I’ll let her know. Thanks for the call, Faith.”

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