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“I know he said it. I just don’t think he meant it. I don’t know him, of course, but you’ve told me a lot about him in the past four months. He’s obviously crazy about you. Why would he still be keeping his distance?”
“He wants me to be free.”
“Yeeeaaaaah. I get that. But you can be free and still have him admit that he loves you.”
“He doesn’t love—”
“Yeah, that’s what I don’t believe.”
Her words are giving me flickers of hope that are far too dangerous to indulge. “Jenna, don’t. You’re the one who’s always saying not to read things into what men say and do. If a man wants to commit, he will. If he’s stalling, it’s because he doesn’t really want to. He’s using all these excuses about what’s best for me, but if he wanted me for real, he wouldn’t be holding back. Hewouldn’t.”
“That’s normally what I’d assume.”
“So this is no different. I’ve thought about it and relived the conversation over and over again. I think I get it. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t want to hurt me by rejecting me. So he’s manufactured this excuse of what’s best for me to give him an out.”
“I don’t know—”
“I do know. He was acting all kind and gentle and almost... almost paternal. Like he was patting me on the head. That’s not a man in love, Jenna. It’s not.”
“All right.”
“You weren’t there. You didn’t hear him.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“If he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t love me. But I’m not going to stay there and take scraps instead of getting what I really want.”
“That’s exactly right. You did good.”
I start bawling again out of nowhere. Fortunately, I now spot an interstate sign with three different hotels on it. I take the exit and turn in the direction of the chain I’m most familiar with.
Jenna is still on the line when I park. I’ve used all the tissues in my purse, so I wipe my face with the damp wad I’ve collected. “I’m here.”
“Okay. Good. See if you can get a room, then call me back.”
“Okay.” I sniff hard. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“You’re not a mess. Don’t call yourself that.”
“I thought I made so much progress, but here I am again, letting another man drag my feelings around.”
“Don’t say that,” Jenna says sharply. “Don’t even think it. It’s not true. Look how far you’ve come. You left even though it was hard. Five months ago, you never would have done that. You’d have stayed and told yourself it was enough and pretended you don’t want what you want. Don’t you dare question how far you’ve come. You’re making the right decision this time.”
So I end up bawling even more.
***
I’VE CHECKED IN ANDam walking from the elevator to my room when my phone rings.
I check it, thinking maybe it’s Jenna, but it’s Arthur’s name on the screen.
My throat tightening painfully, I send the call to voice mail, unlock my room, and drop my stuff on the long, low dresser.
I’ve washed my face, gone to the bathroom, and taken off my shoes when my phone rings again.
Arthur. This time when I reject the call, he leaves a voice mail. I can’t stand the sight of the notification on my phone, so I delete the message without listening.
I can’t talk to him right now. If I do, I might cave. I’m stronger than I was, but I’m still not as strong as I should be. If I can’t stand my ground, I need to avoid a confrontation.
