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“The doctor said not to force it. He said—”
“I know what the doctor said. But this is different. This is snatching away a huge part of my life, stealing it from me.”
“You lost it, baby. I didn’t steal it. Stealing it would be the last thing I’d ever do.”
Surprisingly, I’m not close to tears. I mostly feel cold. Kind of empty.
Frozen.
“Yeah. I get that. But you refused to give it back to me, even just in words.” I suddenly remember more—that tense conversation he had with Jenna a couple of days after I came home from the hospital. “Jenna wanted to tell me! You wouldn’t let her. She said it wasn’t fair to me. She was right. Arthur, how could you have—?”
“I’m so sorry. I had no idea what to do. You were looking at me like a stranger. How could I have told you back then that you’d given your heart to some damaged, broken old man who was never anything to you but a friend of your dad’s? You would have... How was I supposed to do that?”
I breathe deeply, staring at a spot in the air for a long time. Hearing what he said. Understanding it. But also understanding the feeling of betrayal in my heart. “I see what you mean,” I say at last. “It... It must have been really hard for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through it. I wish I could have... been there for you. But you’ve had weeks.Weeks. We’ve been getting closer all this time. Surely there have been plenty of opportunities for you to tell me between the hospital and now.”
“I was—” He breaks off his own words. Doesn’t complete them.
“You were scared.”
“Yes. I was scared I would lose you a second time. I didn’t think I could live through it again.” His words aren’t loud or emotional. They’re quiet. As gentle as he’s always been with me.
“You said earlier, after lunch, that you didn’t want to make the mistake you made before and not tell me how you felt. Were you talking about a mistake you made with me before?”
“Y-yes. I almost lost you because I was afraid of sharing all of myself with you. I had trouble trusting that you could really... really love me, so I wouldn’t make myself vulnerable. I wasn’t going to do that again.”
I swallow hard. Tighten my fingers into fists before I purposefully release them. “But you did. Youdid. You did it again, Arthur. That’s exactly what you did. You were afraid of telling me the truth about our relationship because you thought I would reject you. I understand that. I really do. And I can maybe get behind breaking it to me slowly. But you let me fall in love with you again—you watched it happen step by step—all the while lying to me about—”
“I didn’t lie.”
“Yes, you did. Maybe not directly. Maybe not in words. But everything you didn’t tell me was a lie. That’s how it feels to me. And you did it because you didn’t trust me. You still...” I have to cough as a sob is trapped in my throat. “You still don’t trust me.”
“Baby, please—”
“I think I need some space.” I blurt out the words because it feels like I’m drowning and he’s coming closer. He’s going to put his arms around me. He’s going to hold me, make me feel better.
And I want it so much.
He jerks to a stop at my words. His face is twisted with emotion. “Wh-what?”
“Space. I need some space. I’m so confused and so upset, and I need to sort things out in my head.”
“Yes. Of course you do. But maybe I can help you do that.”
“No, you can’t. You’ll confuse me even more because I want you so much. I need to do this on my own.”
“Baby, please don’t push me away.”
“I... I have to. For right now. We can talk again, but not yet. You said you want to give me anything I need, and I need this. I need space.”
There’s an internal struggle on his face for a minute until he gets control of it. “All right. I can... I can give you space. How much do you need?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t. At least a couple of hours.”
“Okay. I’ll be in my office. Come find me when you’re ready to see me again.”
His voice is absolutely heartbroken. I can’t see his face because he’s turned to leave the library.
It’s horrible. Horrible. I feel like a villain, breaking a man who’s already been broken by the world in so many ways.
