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“We will give you the time you need. Both of us just want you—however we can. We know this is a life-changing decision,” River says quietly. He pushes his plate away, avoiding my eyes. “If you don’t want any of it, then you go back to your life.”
“Yes, you could go back, but also, we will never find another mate. You are it for us. We will be forever connected to you. We might move on someday, not with a woman; we just won’t be tortured by the memory of you,” Kerian says roughly.
“No pressure,” I say weakly.
“Now it’s my turn to apologize. If you make that decision, we will be fine.” Kerian picks up his plate and goes to the sink.
I look at River; he has his cocky mask back in place. “Are you full, cupcake?”
“Yes, thanks.” I watch them clear the table and wipe it down, thinking about all they said. I never expected to think about whether I would want to become a shifter. I can imagine it is a rush of adrenaline to turn into an animal. I can’t say it’s not appealing, the idea of running as a wolf, living longer, and holding that amount of power. I’ve seen the joy Serenity got when she became a vampire. She relished the level of confidence it brought. Since then, she has flourished, immersing herself in the supernatural and her wonderful life with her mate.
The way she describes the relationship with Ryker interests me. The intimate nature of a bond like that is tempting. Knowing from the start that your partner would never cheat—they physically can’t—would bring such security. I’ve had guys cheat on me in the past; the lies and hurt stay with you. Even though all the signs are encouraging me to go for it, give in. I still have a ball of hesitance sitting in my stomach.
I need to tell them about my life. They both have shared their deepest shame; I need to do the same. I hope the words don’t get stuck in my mouth. Saying them out loud once again will make them real. I know it’s silly, but I have shoved them away for so long. I can pretend that it’s a movie I watched, not the life I lived.
“I lost my parents when I was ten,” I start. They both stop what they are doing to stare at me. I leave the table and walk into the living room, sitting on the couch. I stared into the fire they must have lit when I was sleeping. They follow me quietly. “I loved them. I remember the nights spent in the living room, snuggled together, watching movies. My mom would braid my hair, and my dad would tease me for liking the princess movies so much. I was always so warm and safe. My dad taught me to fish; that was our thing. He took great pleasure in the fact that I wasn’t afraid to bait a hook. Mom taught me to cook. She loved providing a good meal for her family. We laughed a lot. Sometimes if I close my eyes and concentrate really hard, I can still hear it ringing in my memories.” My eyes flutter shut for a moment before I look back into the flames.
“Bartlett was more reserved, but he would hang out with us sometimes and get this little smile on his face. He is eight years older than me. I was a pleasant surprise, Dad used to say. One day we were a happy family, all together, and the next, they were gone. They were bringing home food for supper. We were going to have a memorable night. Getting takeout, games, and then a movie. They always did things like that to make life interesting. They decided to stop at a gas station to pick up snacks for a movie. Unfortunately, it was robbed. My dad died in the snack aisle of a gas station. My mom, after Dad pushed her towards the back of the store to find another exit, died next to the bathrooms. Suddenly it was just my brother and me: no more fun nights, fishing, or cooking.
“Since Bartlett was eighteen, he agreed to take care of me. We were destroyed. I cried for months. Everything reminded me of them. I didn’t understand why. Why them? They were good people, honest and loving. They treated us like we were everything.
“Bartlett started drinking heavily. He struggled to find a way to deal with a young, inconsolable girl. Looking back now, I understand his pain, but then, all I saw was the inability to love me as they did. We were never best friends, but we liked each other. He started to resent me. All his friends still had a life while he was stuck at home with a child, without a girlfriend or wife to help with the burden.
“Then he met Jason. Jason, to Bartlett, was older, wiser, sophisticated, and a substitute for my dad. He started spending more and more time with him. He forgot to feed me or take me to school. When he was home, he was strict and recited Bible verses. My parents taught me a little about faith, but what he said didn’t make sense. I have nothing against religion. What he was preaching wasn’t normal. He expected me to take on the role of a servant. To shut up and do what I was told. I had to dress a certain way. No makeup. No more movies. He wanted me to study his Bible and not my schoolwork. Jason would come over all the time. The way he watched me made me uncomfortable. He would comment on how beautiful I would grow up to be.
“I had no interest in boys. At that age, they were gross. Bartlett fell deeper and deeper under Jason’s spell as the years passed. The only break I had was at school. I worked hard in my classes, hoping someday I could go to college. Bartlett, because of Jason’s influence, disapproved of furthering my education. Women were not supposed to be educated, according to them. I saw the women from the church. They walked around like zombies, doing what they were told, catering to the men. I refused to be like them. I was biding my time, pretending to go along with all the beliefs until I had the skills and was old enough to leave.”
I fidget in my seat, scared to tell them the next part of the story. “When I turned seventeen, I started having pains in my stomach. My period was unstable and heavy. I put it off, thinking it was just normal. With Bartlett as my only guidance, I had to find out on my own how to take care of that area of being a woman. Jason was at the house, his leers getting worse, when the pain became unbearable. I couldn’t hide it anymore. They took me to the hospital, to a doctor that went to their church. I didn’t like him and didn’t trust him, but they did, and that’s all that mattered. They rushed me into surgery; the bleeding was out of control.
“I had cysts on my ovaries. The doctor could have taken care of the cysts—they’re very common and usually easily removed. Instead, my brother and Jason decided on my behalf. Since I was under eighteen and Bartlett was my legal guardian, plus the doctor was associated with them, my brother fixed me like a dog.” I angrily wipe the tears away. I keep my eyes on the fire, but I catch River and Kerian's quick, furious movements across from me. Babies take attention and care, as they should. I imagine that the men don’t want their women to give that to anyone but them. Plus, a child brings an awareness of the situation the mothers are in—they want the best for their kids. A mother will always save their kids before themselves.
“I didn’t get a choice. They claimed I was in danger of dying, that it was either my life or the surgery. I just don’t believe them. I did some research after I left the hospital. I guess it was pointless anyway to know the truth. It was done. I would never be a mother. I would never do the things my parents did with me that held a special place in my heart, with my own children.”
River is growling low. Kerian’s eyes are black. I look at them for the first time since I started talking. “I’m defective now. The minute I turned eighteen, I left. I packed when they were passed out from drinking. I ran. My relationship with Bartlett is over. He left me alone for years, just an occasional phone call. Now, he comes back because he needs money.” I shake my head sadly.
“I knew what they had planned for me. Jason made comments all the time about what would be expected of his wife. I told him I would never marry him. It didn’t matter how many times I refused; they continued to make their plans.
“I thought it was over. I thought since he had left me alone for so long, I had made my point. Since the day I left the hospital, I swore I would never let a man make my choices for me. I decide what I do in my life, with my body, and with my heart. I control my destiny. I will decide whether to be your mate or not. I will decide if I want to change my life and become a wolf. If, after all this, you still want me in that role.” I walk quickly up the stairs and shut my door.
They may be angry at my brother's actions, but when they calm down, they may decide the bond got it wrong this time.
Chapter Twelve
Ava
A soft tapping on the door brings me out of my wallowing. The guys have left me alone. I’m kind of surprised it took them two hours to either break it off or commit to following through with continuing to grow our bond. My hopeful heart clenches in hopes for the latter.
“Come in,” I call. Kerian steps in.
“Hey,” he says softly.
“Hey.” I roll to my side to face him.
He sits on the bed in the curve of my hips, laying his hand on me. “How are you?”
“Better. I didn’t realize that talking about it after all this time would make me feel better.” I shrug.
“I’m glad. I think River is calm now. He shifted and ran for a while, then chopped wood for an hour.” He smiles.
