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I decide to say how I’m feeling directly to his face. “I’m very unsure of us, Ryker. I feel like I need to be totally honest with you. I love you, but I don’t think we’re a match. I think we’re meant to be friends, but I don’t think we’re meant to be married.” I pause. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore in that context.” There. I said it. To my surprise, I feel so much relief.
His face flashes red as his eyes widen. Then his reaction once again disappears, like I imagined it. “I understand. It’s a huge decision. I’ve felt myself wavering too.”
Whoa. Wait, he did? Maybe that shouldn’t come as a shock. I think I knew that the moment he didn’t propose. Turns out, he was right. I’m glad we’re not engaged.
“Okay, then. I think I should move out. It doesn’t feel right to live here anymore. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”
He frowns, this time not bothering to cover up his feelings. “Please don’t do that, Mila. If you leave, I’ll have to make other arrangements. I’ll need to find another caretaker; I’ll need to find someone who can take care of Arthur. It’ll be a huge headache.” He places his hand on his forehead. “I really need someone to take care of my home.”
Huh. He seems more upset about having to find a new caretaker than losing me. That’s telling.
I guess if there’s honesty between us, I don’t mind being his caretaker. It does make life a lot easier for me.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, of course I’m sure.”
I struggle with my feelings, a tug of war on my heart. On one hand, I want out. On the other, I don’t want to leave him in the lurch. It’s on the tip of my tongue to suggest that Zane could be his caretaker, but I bite my tongue before that atrocity can be mumbled out loud. “All right then, I’ll stay.”
He breathes a deep sigh of relief. “Thank you.” He pauses, gathering his thoughts. “Mila, let me reiterate this one more time. I don’t want to give up on us. I want to continue with our relationship when I return home. I want to see where it takes us. We have something between us, there’s no denying it. Please, promise me you’ll give us another chance. That’s all I’m asking for.”
I don’t owe him anything. I’ve already given him so much of my time. I can’t think of another way to sayit’s overwithout being cruel. I hate this. “Ryker... of course I’ll see you when you return. But I can’t promise anything else. I’m sorry. I really don’t see a future for us.”
His eyes narrow slightly and a flash of anger crosses his features before he covers it up. It was there, I know it was. I didn’t imagine it.
“You know I’m falling for you. More and more each day.”
Is he? He sounds insincere to me now. Like it’s a last-ditch effort to sway me.
I don’t say I love you back. I can no longer say it aloud and feel like I’m telling the truth. I nod a few times instead. He still can’t out and out say I love you. I feel like a fool to have held onto this relationship for so long. I should’ve known better.
“We’ll work this out, Mila. I know we will.”
“Ryker, I just said...”
“I know, I know. I heard you. But I still have hope.” He studies the screen. “Is that a bowl and a spoon on the coffee table?”
I don’t even bother turning around. I know Zane’s cereal bowl is still sitting there. I don’t clean up after him. He gets around to it on his own time. “I’ll take care of it.”
“See that you do,” he says firmly. “Goodbye.”
I hang up, wondering if I made things worse or better. Did I give him hope?
I have no idea. One thing I do know is that I let go of a future I thought was my path in life. It wasn’t and I feel that loss keenly. I feel restless, like I don’t know what to do with myself. I wander through the penthouse, walking back and forth enough times to carve out a path in the floor.
What now?
I don’t like the present situation I’m in. It doesn’t feel right. It’s only temporary, though.
Ryker’s journal, still sitting untouched on the nightstand, calls to me. I haven’t wanted to read it, feeling as though I would somehow be trespassing.
But today of all days, I need to know him, to understand him, to feel what he’s feeling.
I plop down on the bed and open the book smack dab in the middle.
Woke up.
Worked out.
