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“OK. Alright.”
The words rushed from my mouth as I tossed my hands in the air.
“Maybe you’re right, Shayla.”
“Maybe?”
She sipped from her drink, sniggering in the process.
“What’s so funny?”
I smiled through the pain. It was so familiar that I’d learn to live with it. Since the day that Milo delivered the mind-boggling news that broke me down to the core, it lived with me, owning residency that wasn’t up for sale.
“Awww. Poor baby. I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at your p—I just think it’s the cutest thing. Seeing you this way. I haven’t seen you this flustered in years. I, once, had my doubts about Milo from the things I’ve heard through the grapevine, but this situation has brought so much light to his character. I have to admit that I’m rooting for him.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side, Shayla.”
“I am, which is why it’s time to tell you what’s really been on my mind.”
“Spill it,” I mumbled, placing a hand on my belly.
Shayla was my friend of six years. She’d quickly become my confidant, my listening ear, and my therapist in many instances. I wasn’t a patient of hers officially, but it sure felt like it most days.
“Chasity was never your partner. Chastity was a means of suppression. You didn’t love her beyond the friendship that you once had. You weren’t invested in your relationship. You were comfortable. She brought you comfort. She was a safe space and had been since you were kids.
“In my opinion, I think it was selfish and heartless of her to capitalize on your vulnerability and force you into a situation that stemmed from an unhealthy obsession she had with you from day one. She practically tried to turn you out but judging by your round belly and growing feelings for the man that helped you create the child inside of it, dick prevailed. Once again. But she’s another subject for another day. Moving forward.
“Your relationship with Chasity helped curb your true appetite. Now that it’s over, those feelings you stuffed way down in some black hole, they’ve surfaced. For so long you convinced yourself they didn’t exist, but they do, Nature. That text isn’t the first and neither will it be the last of Milo’s advances but you didn’t need me to tell you that much.
“You knew it already. You knew it from the moment you agreed to co-parent a child with him. You knew it from the moment he stuck his dick in you. You knew it from the moment that pregnancy test came out positive. You’ve known for the last eight months. You’re just a little disappointed that it took eight whole months. You thought it would be sooner. Now, you’re a bit salty about the timing and wondering if you should embark on those feelings you two share or leave it alone. Because I can bet my entire practice that you miss that man, too.”
“Are you licensed in reading someone, too?”
“I’m serious, Nature. You can try your damnedest to ignore your true feelings but they’ll only continue to grow and frustrate you every time you think about how much you truly want him and everything that a life together has in store for you. He hurt you. I get it. And I commend you for breaking it off instead of staying. But you two were kids. This is a grown ass, fine ass Milo we’re referring to now. He’s not that boy you knew all those years ago. He’s someone new. Why not give him another chance? It’s going to eat you up inside out if you don’t.”
Sliding my bracelets up and down my wrist, I digested everything that was being poured onto my plate. After considering my feels and the words she’d just shared, relief still hadn’t found me.
“Just be honest with yourself.”
“I’m miserable without him.” The confession slowly escaped my lips.
As if an anchor was lifted from my chest, I could finally breathe clearly. I’d never admitted that tiny truth to anyone. Too afraid to say it out loud because it would make it true, I held it in for so many years I’d lost count. His presence intensified my misery, which is why I communicated with him as less as possible and kept it very short with Milo prior to my pregnancy. Now, it wasn’t as easy and the facts were glaring at me every morning I opened my eyes.
“Awwwww.”
Gathering the napkins in front of her, Shayla prepared for the influx of pregnancy emotions that I suffered through daily. I grabbed the bunch from her hand and patted underneath my eyes before the tears managed to fall.
“God!” I coughed. “That feels so much better in the atmosphere.”
“I’m sure, babe. I’m just happy you’ve had this breakthrough. To admit something so powerful is a great start to finding a resolution.”
“The resolution is so clear, Shayla. It’s always been clear but I can’t put my heart in harm’s way. That man has the power to destroy me. He did once. I can’t risk it happening again. It’s like, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. In a way, this child, our son, was my piece of Milo that I thought I’d be content with. Ya know? Having some of him. A little. But it’s strengthened my craving. I wish he was there every time I lay down at night. I wish he was there every time I wake up in the morning. When my back hurts, I wish he was there to rub it. When my feet hurt, I wish he was there to massage them. The list is never-ending.”
“Then tell him. Why drown in misery when it’s not necessary? It’s not the only option.”
“The pain, Shayla. You don’t understand. It’s a different kind of beast. It’s no—”
“Today, if you found another man and fell in love, the risk would still be significant. By not following your heart and seeking solace in Milo, you’re saying that you will never, ever attempt to fall in love again. Because, when it’s all said and done, risk is involved. It doesn’t matter who the relationship is with.”
