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I mashed the gas, determined to cut the twenty-minute trip down by at least six minutes. Though I hadn’t been to this particular office yet, the GPS wasn’t necessary. I could pinpoint exactly where it was and how long it would take me to get there without assistance or the reminder that I had fallen behind.
I took the ramp to the expressway, ready for the freedom it offered so that I was able to open my engine right up so that my destination was reached sooner. The numbers on my dash climbed, reaching the hundreds. And just when I thought the coast was clear, red taillights in every lane put an end to my short victory.
“FUCK.”
My tires screeched as I brought my whip to nearly a complete stop.
“What the hell is going on?” I wondered out loud, frustration quickly replacing every other emotion of mine.
Congestion of the road was puzzling. It was a decent hour, ten minutes past eleven to be exact. Traffic at this time of the day was unusual and downright upsetting.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I checked the time on my dash, mentally calculating how far behind the traffic would put me. It wasn’t looking too good on my end, but I’d be damn if I gave up.
Inch by inch, I moved forward while considering the words to express my remorse for my tardiness as my finger hovered over the call button. It didn’t matter that my intentions were good when it came to Nature and our son. Life kept finding a way to fuck me over. Admittedly, I was exhausted with the constant disappointment, so I couldn’t imagine how Nature felt.
She was my heart and so was the son I was growing to love more and more every day. However, I was beginning to learn that the simplicity of our childhood hadn’t followed us into adulthood. In college, it was so much easier to keep a smile on Nature’s face. A trip to the café, a night of studying together, coffee in the morning, walks to and from class… that’s what made those cheeks rosy pink and her lips curve into a smile.
Shit was different now, and the fact that I hadn’t yet found the recipe for happiness according to the new Nature, that shit was running me hot. I made no excuses. As a man, I fully understood my role and was determined to improve it.
This is it, I promised.I’ve got to get my shit in order.
* * *
Forty-five minutes later,I pulled the door of the doctor’s office open, hopeful that there was a lengthy wait and Mason was still being seen by the doctor. To my dismay, Nature was wheeling Mason’s stroller out simultaneously. I stepped aside, allowing her to pass through as I grabbed hold of the stroller.
On her angelic face, I could see that she wanted to protest, but decided against it. Instead, she remained silent, strutting toward the truck that I thought she looked stunning in and beside. No words were exchanged as we got Mason situated in the truck. Nature was strapped in and ready to reverse before I could close the door good.
Because her actions were justified, I allowed her to have her way. Guilt consumed me as I watched them exit the parking lot. I jumped into my ride with my destination set. I felt like shit for missing my son’s first appointment, but I still wanted to know how it had gone and what the doctor had said.
When I pulled up to Nature’s home, she’d already gotten Mason out of the truck and was headed inside the house. I jogged up the steps to assist her inside. From the weight of his car seat, I could tell my boy was growing and gaining weight. He stayed glued to his mother’s breasts all day long, so that wasn’t surprising at all.
As quickly as we’d made it inside, Nature had disappeared. I set Mason’s car seat near the door and kneeled before him. His dark skin and coily hair reminded me of the baby pictures of us all that my grandfather collected over the years. From the tip of his head to his long feet, he was every bit of us. In a room full of Dominoes, you wouldn’t be able to determine which of us he belonged to.
“Hey, little dude. You went to the doctor and they gave that baby some big shots?” I asked, paying close attention to the Band-Aids on his legs, sure not to apply any pressure or mistakenly touch them.
A smile revealed his dark pink gums as he began swarming in my arms. I couldn’t remember an instance in the last four weeks of his life that he didn’t show me, in some way, that he was happy to see me. Even in the first week of his life, his eyes grew larger at the sight of me. If there was nothing else I was certain of, it was the way my son felt about me.
“You took it like a champ? Or, did you cry to Mommy?”
Finally, I had him unbuckled and in my hands. Leaning forward, I tickled his nose with mine, bringing more of those gums out to play. Even at his young age, he displayed emotional maturity, a level you typically witnessed in infants two to four months.
“Yeah. You cried to Mommy?” I laughed. “It’s cool. Daddy about to go do the same thing, little dude. Mommy is not happy with Daddy right now. But Daddy loves Mommy very much and is going to get it together… for you, me, and for Mommy especially.”
My explanation made his eyes twinkle as if he understood what I was saying, but I knew that was bullshit. He didn’t give a damn what I was saying, as long as I was in his face.
“Let’s go see how we can fix this, Mason. Daddy fucked up. You have to be on my side when we get up here, though, or I’m leaving your little ass right down here. Tell me what it’s going to be?”
With raised brows, I waited for his response. The smile he widened was good enough for me, pushing me toward the stairs that we climbed in unison.
We entered Nature’s bedroom to find that she’d already taken off the clothes she’d worn and replaced them with a silk gown that rose as she slid into bed. Silent tears slipped down her blotchy cheeks. The pained look on her face pushed my heart down my chest, abdomen, legs, and into the soles of my Jordan Ones.
Nudging her over a bit, I sat next to her on the bed. With the back of my hand, I wiped the tears from her eyes. Into the pillow where her head rested, she released more, turning into the fabric completely as her sniffles grew louder. I felt like a million different versions of a fool as I watched her unravel.
“Talk to me, Nay,” I requested.
She remained silent. Other than the sound of her cries, she was soundless.
“Nature. The meeting I was in ran much longer than expected. I lost track of time. Five minutes after my alarm went off, I was out of the door and in my car. I bumped into traffic. An eighteen-wheeler was flipped over on the expressway, causing standstill traffic.”
