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Lies.
Nothing but lies.
Sweet lies that hide an ugly truth.
I shut my eyes and pound the back of my head repeatedly on the mattress.
That’s what I’ve been doing since all of this first started. I’ve been feeding myself lies, trying to find some crumb of logic that can justify my selfish betrayal. Some thread of hope that I can hold on to, with my nails and teeth, and never let go of. Anything to keep me in this state of denial that my urges and strong will aren’t the real culprits of my impending downfall. But no matter how I try to spin it in my head, to downplay the damage that I’ve done, I know the fault is mine and only I should be the one to suffer for it.
My heart.
My Levi.
He’ll never forgive me.
Not when I can’t forgive myself.
It was reckless and foolish to be led astray like I have done since arriving in Nas Laed.
I’m not even sure why I did it.
Another lie.
It was because of him.
Teo.
He always did have that effect on me. To be reckless. Foolish. Brave.
When we were children, I would follow him to the edge of the earth if he so wished. That was the kind of pull he had over me. Nonsensical. Unsolicited. And oh-so addictive.
He made the ordinary feel extraordinary. It was his greatest gift. To make me believe I could fly when I only had a pair of arms instead of wings to do it.
At first I tried to hate him, as if my loathing would keep me safe from his spell.
Then I tried friendship. Friendship felt safe. After all, that was our beginning when we were young too.
But then Teo took me to the pleasure house, and suddenly our dynamics shifted again.
I could blame Levi for my curiosity.
How I would stare at myself in the mirror and brush the bruises he left on my skin with the tips of my fingers and spend hours marveling at them. I could curse him for sparking this desire in me. But in the end, that would just be me shifting the blame onto someone else, unwilling to admit to myself that this desire had always been inside me all along. It had been kept in a cage with glacier bars, trapping it in the cold.
Levi had found the key and twisted the lock open, but it was Teo who kicked the door in.
Teo set me free with his magnetic pull.
He swung it in the air and latched it around my neck, tightening around my throat to the point of suffocation until the only air I craved to breathe into my lungs was his scent. The way Teo toyed with my body, as if knowing exactly which buttons to press, had me in a trance of his making right from the start. And every night as Teo coaxed out one orgasm after the next, I wished that he would have singed my flesh with his heathen hands instead of a rod.
Isn’t that the real reason why I’m so devastated that he left me tonight?
That somewhere deep inside, I believed to hold that same power over him as he held over me?
Nights and days have I spent imagining how good it would feel for him to drop his weapon of choice and ruin me with his body instead. How empty and hollow I feel when our nights come to an end, and the only release I got was provoked by his harsh punishments.
I wanted him to take me and abuse me until I couldn’t take it anymore.
I wanted him to use his hands.
