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Again, all I do is nod, so he can’t hear the trepidation in my voice.
Tomorrow, we will reach the gates of Arkøya.
Gods be with me.
“Inessa,” I call out. “Please tell King Levi that I’ve changed my mind. Tonight, I dine alone,” I tell her while grabbing my coat.
“Is that wise, my queen? He might be on his way here as we speak,” Inessa ventures, concerned.
“Then best be on your way then to stop him. Go, Inessa!”
She bows in obedience, but I can see it in her dark eyes how she doesn’t agree with my decision.
“Shall I set the table for one, then?” Anya asks, not one bit concerned that I’ve diverted from my initial plot.
“No, Anya. Thank you.” I shake my head. “I’m in no mood to eat. But a walk and fresh air will do me good.”
“As you wish, Your Highness,” she says just as she reaches for her own winter coat.
“Actually, Anya, I’d rather walk alone,” I announce, stopping her in her tracks.
My handmaiden’s eyes instantly sadden at the rejection, undoubtedly thinking I’m still cross with her. Since the day Atlas sent that wretched letter, Anya hasn’t been her usual bubbly self. Nor has she spoken her mind so freely as she once did, thinking it displeases me. It’s gotten so bad that even Inessa has become more prickly than usual, not liking that her friend is suffering so.
“Anya, come here,” I order calmly.
She does as she’s commanded, but she hangs her head down low, unable to meet my eyes.
“Look at me, Anya.”
She lifts her head and is unable to mask the tears in her eyes.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I have failed you and now you want nothing to do with me. I’m not even good enough to accompany you on a mere walk,” she stammers.
I let out a sigh, hating that my coldness has put such thoughts in her mind.
“That isn’t true. I do enjoy your company. Very much, Anya. If I didn’t, I would have chosen someone else to accompany me on this trip. I chose you, and I’m glad I made such a decision.”
Her brow furrows, unable to believe a word I tell her.
How can I convince her that all is good? That I bear her no ill will whatsoever?
I am them and they are me.
Those had been Levi’s exact words when explaining his close relationship with his soldiers.
Aren’t my handmaidens my own personal army?
Don’t they share in my joys and misfortunes?
Doing everything in their power to see me prevail?
With Levi’s words swimming in my head, I try a different approach with Anya—a more honest and vulnerable one.
“A queen is not supposed to have friends,” I say after a pregnant pause, gaining Anya’s full attention. “A queen is to be admired from afar and worshiped by her people. Such a royal being has no room in her life for friendships since there is a good chance that they are fabricated for political gain. But you and Inessa…” I pause to let out a sigh. “You’ve been the closest confidants I’ve had since my mother passed away. Without you two, I wouldn’t have survived my grief. And when my father died, you were the ones who kept me steady. Who kept me from breaking down so that I could fulfill my duty as Queen.” I lift her chin with my forefinger, her tears now falling for a different reason. “Friends fight, Anya. And not everything you say or do will be to my satisfaction, but the same can be said for me. So, no, sweet friend. I am not cross with you, nor is the reason I want to go for a walk alone because I don’t wish to have your company. It’s fine company. The best a queen could hope for.”
I wipe away her tears, her expression looking somewhat in shock at my words. But when she finally snaps out of it, she jumps at me and wraps her arms so fiercely around me, I almost forget to breathe.
