AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Yeah, I bet it’srealnice when it’s with Jess,” I said.
“Goddamn, it really is. You could start working out too, you know. Imagine getting to stare at Jess’s ass in leggings first thing in the morning. It really sets a good mood for the whole day.”
“Bring her over afterward,” I said. “I know she has to work, but have her bring her laptop. She can work here.”
“She’d be down for that. I know she wants to keep working on that project for her review. She’s barely been able to get peace in that house.” He rolled his eyes in irritation, and I shared the feeling.
Most people I’d dated were in similar positions and didn’t see their folks, so I’d never had to care much about pleasing a partner’s parents. Vincent’s family was different. They’d practically adopted me. But with Jess, I knew my very presence in her life was a source of conflict. It was a problem I didn’t know how to fix; none of us did.
My stomach turned unpleasantly. I really didn’t need to dwell on more problems today.
***
Too on edge to relax, I spent most of the morning reorganizing the garage and playing with the dogs, trying to get my restless energy out. Once Lucas was awake, I felt a bit better. We said little to each other, but seeing him on the porch as he drank his coffee and smoked his morning cigarette gave me something comforting and normal to hold on to.
My initials had scabbed over on his side. I’d find him tracing the letters sometimes, absentmindedly running his fingers over them with an expression that was very nearly a smile. It wasn’t exactly a collar, but it was something like it.
We found our own ways to claim each other. Collars, rings, bruises, scars. As if to remind each other that even when we were apart, parts of us remained together.
It helped keep me focused on the now, rather than spiraling into memories.
It was only a goddamn bedroom; I hated to be so hung up on it. But I’d spent eighteen years of my life in that room. I’d gone hungry, tried to sleep through pain, and barricaded myself in that room.
I used to think I’d die in there.
About an hour later, when Jason pulled into the yard with Jess in his passenger seat, a sense of relief rushed over me. She stepped out of the car and came to hug me, like a ray of sunshine burning away my cloudy mood.
“Are you okay?” she said. Jason must have told her what was up. I nodded, although being “okay” was a generous description of what I was feeling. The pills were doing their job and mellowing me out, but the anxiety didn’t go away. It hid in the shadows, lurking and waiting for an opportunity to squeeze between my lungs again.
“We picked up breakfast burritos,” Jason said, tossing a white paper bag my way. I caught it, relishing the smell of cheesy eggs and bacon from inside.
The four of us ate on the porch, Vincent joining us right as we were finishing up. He ate his burrito slowly, with his eyes half closed and his head resting against Jason’s shoulder.
The food didn’t settle well in my stomach, but I choked it down regardless. As Jess set up her workstation in the living room, Lucas reiterated our plan for the day.
“We’ll get all the old shit pulled out and thrown away,” he said. “Clean it up, get it painted. Once the paint is dried, we’ll rip up the floor. I figure we can get it all done by this weekend.” He glanced over at me, seated beside him on the porch. “You want everything thrown away, right?Everything?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to go through my old shit piece by piece, sifting through memories and trying to decide what didn’t hurt too badly to keep. We could burn it all.
Lucas shoved himself to his feet. “All right then. Let’s get to it.”
As we came inside, Jess called to us from the couch, “Hey, I want to help! Tell me what I can do.”
“You don’t have to do anything, angel,” I said, leaning against the doorframe as she hurriedly put her laptop aside. “Don’t you have to work?”
She shrugged. “It’s a slow day, honestly. I answered most of my emails yesterday.”
Having another pair of hands to help out would make things go faster. Part of me was ashamed to have her see that old bedroom though. It was frozen in time, a rotten, barely-preserved piece of my old life.
But maybe it was time to move past shame. “You can help pull things out if you really want to,” I said. “We just need to get everything into bags or thrown out in the dumpster.”
They all gathered behind me as I fumbled with my keys in front of the door, finally jamming the right one in the lock. I didn’t want to stand around and think about it, but I was still giving myself an internal pep talk as I did it.
“I feel like I’m about to follow Mr. Tumnus into Narnia,” Vincent said, and I gave a hopeless laugh.
The door creaked as I shoved it open, the old hinges groaning. A distinct smell of dust wafted out to greet us, and I stepped into my childhood bedroom for the first time in almost five years.
Even when we first moved in after Mom’s death, I hadn’t looked at it. The door had remained locked since the day I left and never came back; neither of my parents had bothered to open it.
