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She kissed me, swallowing the words I couldn’t string into coherent sentences. She surged against me, so passionate and so right. Our lips would part for a moment, for a breath, and she’d say it again. She whispered it, snarled it, kissed it into my skin. She pressed her chest against mine, and her heart thumped, it beat so damn hard. Or was that my own? I wasn’t sure if I could tell them apart when we were tangled so close.
“I love you.” It was all I could say and it still wasn’t enough. But if I could keep saying it — if I could say those words from now until the end of forever — God, maybe then, those words could take on the fierceness I meant them with.
30 - Jessica
Iwas in love. So desperately, irrevocably in love.
But it wasn’t only Manson. We’d been honest with each other first, but that didn’t mean my mind wasn’t with the other boys. Nervousness swirled within me every time I thought about it. When I envisioned their faces, the way they held me, touched me, kissed me — the same feeling was there. The same warm feeling of trust, thecertainty.
That was what got me. How damn certain I felt. It was like a switch had been flicked and all the shadowy corners of my mind were illuminated, all my worries chased away with the dark.
I was admittedly a little airheaded during work the next day, but I really couldn’t help it. It was too hard to keep this to myself; I had to tell someone.
It was about time Ashley knew what was going on anyway.
Somehow, miraculously, she called me out within minutes of answering my phone call.
“Girl, wait, I don’t know what’s up, but uh...” She paused, a loud crunching sound coming over the call as she chewed a snack. “You sound different. You sound, like, giddy? Is that a word?” She laughed loudly, and I missed her more than ever. God, I just couldn’t wait to be in New York with —
With...
It all spilled out. I told her everything, every disastrous, messy detail. I thought she would have an aneurysm when I told her about breaking into the garage and hiding from the boys on their own property.
“Holy shit, girl, how are you not in jail? You’re telling me theyforgaveyou for that? I think I’d throw you in the fucking ocean, honestly.”
I didn’t mention the punishment that came before their forgiveness; that was too personal. And I had to do some twisting with the story to avoid mentioning our “agreement.” But Ashley got the whole story — at least as much of it as she needed.
“Girl, I knew it,” she said, with a satisfied crunch as she took another bite. “I could have seen this coming a million miles away.”
I laughed. “Is that so?”
“Uh, yeah? I knew it was going to happen after you hung out with Manson all night at that Halloween party! Like it was so obvious you were into him. The other guys are a surprise, but you know...” I could almost imagine her shrugging casually on the other end. “It’s up to you, babe. It’s about what works foryou. If you want four dudes in one big house where everybody is loving on everybody, then more power to you. I’m just too jealous for that shit.”
We went on talking, getting distracted for several minutes with tales of Ashley’s latest dating exploits. Apparently, she’d found a new dating app whereeveryone is rich!so she’d been having far too much fun with that. I didn’t even know anymore how she managed to go out every weekend.
All I used to think about was parties, clubs, events — making sure I was in the middle of whatever was happening, constantly chasing after the next big thing. Now? I couldn’t even be bothered to care. All I wanted to do, every day, was sit in that garage while the boys worked. Lay on the couch next to Jason, play in the yard with the dogs.
