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“Nix saw her hand on my thigh once. I never said anything to him or anyone else. But the fourteen-year-old Phoenix Rays was smarter than he looked. He’d seen the scars on my arms… He knew it was bad. He marched up to her and asked if she was abusing me. I wasn't there. He told me all this after. At first, I freaked because I was worried things would get worse. She said they would. That if I ever told anyone, she’d fucking run away with me.” Holden shakes his head as anger and pain fill his voice. He pulls back, looking up at me with red-rimmed eyes. “I believed her. The only thing stopping me from…from giving up was Nix. And hockey. The guys. The escape. If she took that away… I was done.”
“God,” I whisper, but when he pulls me into his lap, I let him. He wraps his arms around my middle and buries his face against my neck while I hold him as tight as I can.
I can’t offer him anything but this. Someone to listen. Someone to carry the pain he feels with him, so he isn’t alone. Someone to hold him and tell him he’s worthy when he feels like he isn’t.
“The cutting was just a release. I wasn’t trying to do permanent damage. I would just get so fucking angry. I felt trapped. It was something I had control over. Pain I chose to give myself.” Holden takes another deep breath. “In the end, at the trial, she tried to say I seduced her. At fucking fourteen! As if a child could seduce a fucking adult!” he cries as he lifts his head, and I run my fingers through his hair, doing the only thing I can think of to offer comfort.
“You were not responsible for her evil, Holden. You never asked her to hurt you. You were in middle school. She was supposed to protect you, and instead, she hurt you in one of the worst ways possible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” I can’t hold in the tear that slips free or hide the way my voice cracks, but I try. I try to be strong for him, but my heart breaks.
I can’t fucking imagine how horrible and terrifying that must have been.
“But Nix saved me. He told your mom. Coach Scott. The fucking police. CPS. All of them. Even though I begged him not to. Hell, even though I tried to break his nose, he wouldn’t back down. I owe him everything.” Holden’s voice shakes as he takes a breath.
“He loved you enough to know you were scared. He was probably more scared for you than he was of you kicking his ass again,” I tease, making Holden chuckle.
“He was pissed about that for all of five minutes too. He’s always been quick to forgive,” Holden sighs heavily as his fingers rub circles on the skin of my back. I’m still straddling his lap, but it’s not sexual. Just comforting. “I didn’t think he’d be as forgiving if he found out how bad I had it for his twin sister, though,” Holden eventually adds, making me smile.
“You never know…”
“I know. He would have been the one trying to break my nose. Fuck, I felt so guilty. I just…you were so fucking nice. All the time! You never once even flirted with me!”
“You were my brother’s best friend and my new stepbrother. Teenage Rose had more self-control than I do. Despite the crush I’ve had on you since I was like thirteen,” I say with a sigh. “I liked you. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. The truth is, if you and the other two hadn’t pushed me away the way you did, I might have acted differently,” I admit.
“If they hadn’t always been around reminding me what a dumbass I am, I might have too. Fuck, it was hell, though. I hated every second of it, and every chance I got, I was with you. I felt safe with you in a way I don’t know how to explain.” Holden leans back, pushes his hands into my hair, and forces me to look at him as he speaks. “I don’t want things to be like that ever again. We’re adults now, and everything is different.”
“Neither do I.”
“Good.” Holden nods before wrapping me back up in a hug. Fuck.
How do I tell him this changes everything?
Later that day, Holden pops his head into my room.
“Also, none of us are having sex with you until after we take you on a date. We need to show you what a real date should look like, so you don’t fall for a loser. Those are the rules. Sorry, I don’t make them!”
“You literally did, though!” I protest, making him laugh as I pretend to be upset.
I can’t deny I want the dates. I won’t say no, but I have no intention of sleeping with any of them, knowing what I know now.
Holden feels the same way I do, and I won’t take advantage of that for the sake of a deal we made weeks ago.
CHAPTER THIRTY THREE
“All Time Low” by Jon Bellion
ROSE
“Hair is up, laces are tied, and comfy clothes are on. Now, will you tell me what we’re doing?” I huff, making Ren chuckle. It’s Thanksgiving weekend, and even though we don’t celebrate, the guys don’t have a game today.
They did play both Friday and Saturday night while I caught up on assignments due next week.
“Two things,” he says, and I glare.
“What two things.” I cross my arms over my chest, trying not to be too attracted to the sight of Ren in gray sweatpants and a Bristol Blues Hockey shirt with cut-off sleeves. So many tan muscles on display.
He looks me up and down, taking in my outfit, and smirks. “Nice tank top,” he chuckles, and I roll my eyes.
“This wasn’t planned, but you said comfortable and nothing sexy. So here I am.” I raise my arms to my sides and spin. “Very unsexy.”
