AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The smell of chemicals is making my mind spin. Sucking in air through my nose is a mistake. My stomach protests and a queasy feeling creeps up my throat. I swallow it down, straightening my back and lifting my chin.
I can feel my parents' eyes on me as I take the final steps up to the table. Everyone in the room is watching me. Judging. My eyes are glued to the blank white wall as I prepare myself to look at my brother’s urn. The pain burns a hole in my chest, making my anger spike.
“I can’t believe you left me, Nix,” I hiss at the dark blue urn resting on the white tablecloth, but my voice cracks, and no matter how hard I try to hold onto anger, all I feel is broken. There’s no cure for this kind of pain. No way to make it hurt less.
Are funerals for the living or the dead? To celebrate the dead? Why? They’re dead. They don’t care. I can’t feel him…he’s gone. So maybe this is for my parents? To give them a sense of closure?
Photos of the man who’s been reduced to ash are all around the room, but none of them compare to the man he was.
None of these photos capture his true beauty. The vibrancy of his smile, and the shine in his green eyes. His floppy blond hair. You can’t hear his infectious laugh or feel his comforting hugs.
Strong arms wrap around me from behind as if they could trap my broken heart inside my chest if they hold on tight enough. Holden is doing his best to comfort me, but nothing he says can wash away the ache in my soul for what we’ve lost. For the man we both loved.
“He was my stepbrother, but he was more than that too. My best friend. I don’t know what to do now…how to live without him,” he whispers, his voice breaking with the pain he can’t hide from me, and I spin in his arms. Burying my face into his chest as hard sobs rock through my body, I hold on for dear life. Because that’s what he is. Alive, breathing…here. Still here.
“I didn’t get to say goodbye… I never got to tell him how much I love him. How much I need him!” My cries of anguish and grief shake me violently. “I just want him back…bring him back,” I beg. “Don’t leave me again… You can’t leave me again, Nix.”
I don’t know how long I cry for as I stand there and fall apart in strong arms, but at some point, the tears dry up, even if the pain never fades. Does your body know? Does it know when every last tear your soul has to offer has been shed? I feel like I could cry until I drown in my own devastation. But nothing more comes.
“I have to leave… I have to get out of here…” I shake my head, refusing to meet Holden’s eyes. There’s too much pain there. I can’t take it. I can barely handle my own pain right now.
So I do the only thing I can. I run, and I don’t stop. I just keep running. From everything I’ve lost. From the death and the pain. I just run until my chest burns and my legs ache.
And then I keep running.
* * *
I’m walking down the street in the small town I grew up in when a car pulls up beside me. I can’t even bring myself to feel fear that I might be in danger. The fear isn’t stronger than the pain, so it stays buried under all the heartache.
I’m not paying any attention. I don’t care who’s in the car, but when the two men climb out and step in front of me, I blink up at them.
“Fuck, Rosie,” Nash whispers, reaching up and stroking his thumb over my tear-streaked cheek.
“Let's get you home,” Ren says gently, reaching out to grab my wrist, so he can lead me to the car. I don’t protest. I let them lead me, not caring about much of anything anymore.
* * *
“Christmas is in two days. I assume you’re not coming home?” my mom asks, and I shake my head. I remember she can’t see me, so I mumble a no, rolling over in my bed.
The second we got back to the frat, I packed all my things up and moved into Nissa’s apartment. She’s staying with Rob, giving me time alone to grieve.
“Oh, okay.” I hear the crack in her voice and can’t take it.
“Have to go, love you,” I say, hanging up before she makes me change my mind.
She can’t see me like this. I didn’t even know it was almost Christmas. I haven’t gone to class. I haven’t seen anyone since my brother’s funeral.
My phone pings with a text that I almost ignore until I see who it's from.
Blue: The address, in case you still want to meet for New Years.
There’s a link to a nice restaurant. I drop the phone, not responding.
* * *
I trip in my heels and laugh at myself. I’ve been drunk since noon. Okay, that's a lie. I’ve been drunk for weeks, but today, I started drinking at noon, which was also when I woke up.
The gold sequin dress fits me well, and my hair is up in a messy bun. My makeup is perfect, and I look gorgeous!
