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“Very well,” I replied with a coolness in my tone. She was already dressed and turned around as I stood up from the couch. I stared at the back of her head for a moment as irritation pricked my skin. She had seen me naked countless times. Hell, she just did last night and this morning, but whatever. She was dealing with a myriad of conflicting feelings right now, so I’d let her have that.
I put my clothing back on and found my car keys lying on the floor. As I bent over to pick them up, I caught Winter looking at me over her shoulder. She slowly turned back around and I stood upright as we faced each other. The tension was thick and heavy, permeating the air. I wanted to sweep my arm through it and chase it away.
I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her that I was such a fucking idiot in the past. That I would never hurt her again like I did then. I just wanted her to let me make it all better, but I knew I couldn’t. Fuck. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
There was a part of me that couldn’t help but feel the sting from her rejection and regret.
We stared at one another for a moment longer and I knew I had to go. My legs felt like they were being weighed down by bags of sand. My heart fought against me as I forced myself to turn around and head in the direction of the front door. I didn’t hear her behind me as I stepped into the foyer. My hand touched the cool metal of the lock and I slid it to the side.
“Kai,” Winter’s voice sounded from behind me. Soft and tentative. “I’m sorry for last night.”
Her words sliced through my heart like a sharpened blade. My chest constricted and my throat closed in on itself while the ice settled in my veins. I hated her, but only because of the goddamn pain.
I pulled the front door open and stepped through the doorway before I turned back to look at her. Her bright eyes shined from the sunlight that slipped in.
“I’m not.”
Winter’s lips parted and a breath escaped her as I closed the door behind me. I left her standing there as I walked out to my car and climbed inside. As the engine came to life, I didn’t bother looking back in her direction again. My foot pressed down on the gas and the distance between us was growing as I drove down her driveway and out onto the road.
There was a part of me that understood it all completely. After the history between us, there was no reason for her not to regret last night. But that didn’t take away from the visceral pain. Knowing she regretted it dismissed everything that had happened in the moment last night.
Pushing the thoughts from my mind, I felt the coldness settling inside.
Winter could have her regret.
And I would feel nothing instead.
* * *
I paced around my condo. It had been four days since I last saw or spoke to Winter. Four whole fucking days of forcing myself to feel nothing. And there was nothing that was helping to close this gaping wound in my chest.
The driving range did nothing for me. Standing there under the hot sun hitting golf balls as hard as I could did nothing. Laying on the couch in my own misery was just depressing. I didn't want to go sit at the bar alone and get drunk, although I was running out of options.
My mother reached out and wanted to get lunch next week, but I told her I would get back to her. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I was losing my mind. There was a part of me that wanted to go see Winter, to force her to hear me out and understand, but I knew I couldn’t do that.
She wanted space from me and I owed her that much.
I didn’t even know her phone number. Trust me, I had tried to call the one she had when we were in high school and that one was long since disconnected. I tried years ago and discovered she changed her number, most likely to avoid hearing from me.
I could have called my old friend Nico to see if he wanted to get together, but I never was one who really hung out like that. We were closer when we were in high school, but we had grown apart over the years. He was busy with hockey and I was busy sitting here rotting into a useless corpse.
My pacing eventually stopped and I busied myself with getting a shower. It was getting late in the day and I had yet to eat anything. I had been living off of takeout for the past few days because, fuck me for never learning how to properly cook. The best I could do was a grilled cheese. And if I was lucky, I wouldn’t burn it to a crisp.
The shower did nothing to help me. The hot water provided no resolve from the turmoil in my mind. When I was alone, the mask could come off. I didn’t have to appear unaffected and cold, although I still felt the anger shielding me from the other emotions. I tried to tell myself that Winter didn’t matter, but all that did was cause an internal argument.
I needed to blow off some steam, but there were no healthy outlets for that since hitting golf balls as hard as I could did nothing for me. I was sleep-deprived and hungry, agitated and haunted.
What I needed was to get shit-faced so I could pass out and finally get some goddamn sleep.
My condo overlooked the ocean and there was a small strip of oceanfront restaurants and bars within walking distance. It was perfect. I could get as drunk as I needed and not have to worry about driving home. It didn’t matter if I made it home or not. I’d sleep on the side of the street if it meant that I finally got some sleep that didn’t have her bright green eyes haunting my dreams.
I ended up at Saltwater Tavern right along the beach. It was busy when I got there, but I was able to find a seat at the bar that overlooked the water. After ordering my drink, I absentmindedly stared out at the ocean, watching as the waves crashed against the shore. It was a clear night and the moon cast its light across the water.
My mind kept drifting back to Winter fucking Reign and the regret on her beautiful face. It was conflicting. I barely noticed as the bartender slid the glass in front of me. Lifting it to my mouth, I took a sip and felt the coldness of the ice cubes as they brushed against my lips. I knew why she felt regret and her reasons for hating me.
I wanted to hate her equally, but I never could.
She may have pissed me off beyond belief, but I could never hate her.
