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“I won’t be attending dinner tonight.”
My mother narrowed her eyes slightly. She was challenging me and her lips parted as she was about to scold me for my disobedience. Instead, a sigh of defeat escaped her and her facial expression softened.
“Why must you do this, Malakai?” There was a mixture of disappointment and resignation in her tone. “Life would be much easier for you if you would just comply. You cause him great displeasure with your defiance.”
I stared at her in disbelief. “What would complying look like? I’ve always caused him displeasure, even as a child.”
I would never admit it to her, but I always wanted to know why he hated me the way he did. There was nothing that stood out in the forefront of my mind that I did to deserve the anger he directed at me.
A few years ago, I had caught him in a vulnerable moment. It wasn’t often that he indulged in enough alcohol to get drunk, but for whatever reason he was wasted that night. He didn’t lay a hand on me that night, but instead, he stood in the kitchen across from me with utter disdain in his eyes.
“You were never supposed to exist. And most certainly not in the capacity that you are.”
I never knew what he really meant by that and I never dared to ask.
One thing was certain—I had carried those words with me since that night.
My mother sighed again, pulling me from my memory. “I don’t know, Malakai. Your father had expectations for you to be like him. For you to follow in his footsteps so he could pass on his legacy.” She frowned with a touch of sadness. “You’ve always been the furthest thing from him, forging your own path instead of the one he laid out for you.”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
She shook her head. “Not bad, just problematic.”
I watched her as she glanced around the room, almost as if she were expecting him to appear out of thin air. Or perhaps she was looking for a way to end the conversation between us. Either way, she appeared to be uneasy with growing discomfort. She was never one to fully talk down upon me the way he had, but hearing the truth from her was a harder blow than I anticipated.
At this point in my life, I had grown so immune but every so often there was a crack in my armor. Just a sliver—big enough to allow words to penetrate and the emotion to seep out. I quickly pushed her words from my mind, choosing to pretend they were never spoken out loud.
“Where shall I tell your father you went?”
I shrugged with indifference. “I’m sure you can formulate some believable lies. It’s what we’ve all been programmed to do, isn’t it?”
Her eyes widened and she stared at me before she recovered from the momentary shock. “We do what we must to survive, Malakai. We fall in line and assume our role. Try not to think of them as lies, but more so a necessary tactic.”
“I applaud you for being the master of charades,” I told her with cruelty in my tone and venom on my tongue. It wasn’t often that I spoke to my mother in such a manner, but I was only able to maintain composure for so long before the volcano of anger erupted. “I, however, refuse to be his puppet. This game isn’t one I care to partake in.”
My mother frowned. “It would be a lot easier if you would, Malakai.”
I was growing tired of this conversation and the way we were going in circles. There would never be any middle ground. My mother and I would never see eye to eye on the matter, not as long as she was under his finger. I was wasting my breath and precious time with her.
“Enjoy the rest of your evening, Mother,” I said to her as I nodded before departing. She didn’t offer me any words as I turned my back to her and strode away. The trophy in my hand felt heavy, as if it were weighing me down. I wanted to throw it into the waste can. I didn’t feel deserving of anything good in that moment.
I didn't feel deserving in most moments.
* * *
I had to wait until after nightfall before I could climb up to Winter’s window. She had left it cracked open for me and I lingered just outside for a moment as I watched her through the glass. She was curled up on her bed with the blankets pulled up to her chest. Her dark hair was pulled up on the top of her head in a messy bun and I watched as her eyes scanned the pages of the novel in her hands.
A pained smile pulled on my lips. I would never deserve her.
If I weren’t selfish, I would have climbed down from the roof and gone back to my car parked down the street. I would have left Winter Reign alone for good. I would have slipped out of her life without a second thought or glance.
Unfortunately, I never claimed to be selfless.
Winter lifted her gaze to mine as I slid the window open and climbed inside. There was a softness in her green irises and peace settled in her expression as she slid her bookmark between the pages.
I pushed the window shut and stepped deeper into the room. “Don’t stop on my account.”
“Nonsense,” she replied in a hushed voice as she sat up in bed. “I was only reading to pass the time. I was beginning to wonder if you weren’t going to come.”
