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“You need to sort yourself out.” Her mother’s face was screwed up, like her onion was too pickled. "Whether that’s a decent job or a decent bloke. Or woman, I don’t care. I’m not saying settle down and get married. I’m as feminist as the next woman in the queue. But you’ve got to have one or the other, don’t you? Otherwise, you can’t take care of yourself.”
Elda looked down at the roll of ham on her plate, her mum’s words gnawing at her.
Her mum chugged a can of beer. “What gets me this time, Elda, is that you had a nice flat and a good job, and you left it all for a couple of weeks pissing about in Paris.”
Bang. Elda had been waiting for her mother’s killer blow since she arrived. She knew how to take a tiny flaw and blow it up to the size of a gaping hole. “Is that what you think I was doing? I was trying to build a career. I was trying to be an artist and an academic, stringing conversations together in French at fancy parties. I was trying to be as beautiful and creative as everyone else. And become a bloody bilingual art teacher.” Her hands shook. Her mum had poked a sharp stick at every single vulnerability that Elda had packed in her mind when she’d jumped back on the Eurostar.
“Girls, don’t do this.” Her grandmother slapped her hand on the table. “Every time, there’s something. Now, just sit and enjoy your food together like a nice, normal family.”
Elda obeyed with a raised eyebrow. Even her grandmother couldn’t temper the fury that her mum unleashed when the mood took her.
“This is what families do. They tell hard truths about what’s going wrong in their lives. Elda has had it all on a plate and is throwing it away again,” her mum said, barely taking a breath. “Some of us have had to go through life on our own, without decent fellas falling at our feet. Think yourself bloody lucky, girl.”
Elda had no intention of rising to her mother’s bait. She'd seen this pattern of self-loathing play out before. Her mum had to do it on her own. Elda had spoiled it all. She took a deep breath and summoned her self-control, flexing each muscle from her calves to her shoulders to remind herself that she was in control of her mind and her body. “I’m sorry, Mum. I’m gutted too. Life isn’t exactly going as I had it in my head, but I just need a breath to sort myself out. I’m staying with Jack, and I’ve got some job applications lined up. Give me a few weeks, and we’ll all be laughing.”
“You know your cousin Clare is getting married next year? Ben proposed on Christmas Eve down the pub. Your Aunty Sheila said it was marvellous. They all had a meal afterwards, and Ben’s parents paid for the whole lot.” Her mum cut through a pork pie and pasted it with brown sauce. “Clare knew about it before, mind. They’d talked about it and planned a nice engagement.”
Elda’s teeth clamped down on the processed meat in her mouth. She mumbled in the right places until the meal was over, then she rose to scrape away the waste and wrap up the leftovers. She hoped that the battle was over for now, and that she could sit in peace in front of the TV for a couple of hours.
While her hands were busy, her mind drifted to Charlie. She imagined waking up on Christmas Day together, lying on the sofa, legs intertwined, feeding her After Eight mints. She remembered the feel of Charlie’s body beneath her legs at the office party, and how she’d had to fight the instinct to lean into her. She had missed every part of her while she was in Paris.
Elda walked back into the living room, drying her hands with a tea towel. Her nan looked across from her upright chair as the front door slammed.
“Where’s Mum gone?”
“She’ll be off to the club. Her friends will be having a Christmas drink, no doubt. She can’t stay in the house for very long, Elda. She gets too twitchy with everything.”
“Is she still knocking about with that guy?”
“Rob? I think so, but she doesn’t say. She’s got worse over the last few months. Very up and down. She spends a lot of time down the club or in her room.”
“It must be like living with a teenager.” Elda sighed. She wished for more.
“Well, you weren’t like it, my lovely.”
Her nan smiled, but Elda saw through it. Her mum was draining to be around.
“She’s always struggled. You know how she is. I’m lucky to have her close, where I can keep my eye on her.”
Elda saw a version of her life without her grandmother in it, and she shook the thought away. “She’s fifty now, Nan. She’s old enough to act like a grown-up around both of us.”
“She gets overwhelmed, though. It’s always been the same. Life is too much for her sometimes. Like her father. Let’s be thankful she’s with us.”
Elda’s grandfather had bolted from the family home when her mum was a toddler. Her nan never knew where he’d gone, or if he was still alive. She just got on with raising her daughter and then her granddaughter.
“Why does she always have to bugger off down the club though, Nan? She’ll come back steaming, and we’ll have to pick up the pieces.” Elda had never been enough to keep her mum sober and at home.
“It’s not all bad, love.” Her nan inspected the carpet. The guilt she bore on behalf of Elda’s mum wasn’t fair. “Tell me, how’re you feeling?” She touched Elda’s hand.
“I’m tired. I feel like a failure. I want everything to stop for a bit, so I can work out what I’m doing with my life.” Elda’s words caught in her throat, and she put her hand to her chest. “I’ll be okay. I just need a bit of time out.” She wanted to spare her grandmother from the worry.
“Elda, I need to tell you something.” Her voice was low. “I’m not feeling well. It’s been coming on for a while, and the doctors aren’t sure what’s going on.”
Elda sat still for a few seconds. There was a knocking in her ear, and she clenched her teeth. No. She couldn’t handle anything happening to her nan. “What have they said? Is this the GP?”
“Well, I’ve seen the doctor. He’s been helpful, and I’ve had a few tests at the hospital. I just wanted you to know. Your mum won’t tell you because she’s frightened and not sure what to do. She’ll need you if I’m poorly.”
“I can’t handle Mum like you can.” Elda rose and paced around the room. The thought of managing her mum’s erratic behaviour on her own filled her with panic.
