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“You can. She’ll calm down, anyway. When there isn’t an audience for it all, she’s much calmer, and she drinks less.”
Elda knelt at her grandmother’s feet and put her head on her lap. Inside, she shrunk to her eleven-year-old self.
“I don’t want you to worry, love.” She stroked Elda’s hair. “You’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere for a while anyway.”
The words kicked Elda right in the ribs. People she loved wouldn’t live forever. But she was terrified of this change and what it would bring for her and her family. Her nan was their leader. She was Elda’s protector. She was the glue that held everything together. Without her, the future was unthinkable.
Elda wished she hadn’t come home. She should’ve stayed at Jack’s where no one could tell her that her nan was poorly, and where she could’ve been spared the annual reminder that her mum was a selfish drunk. She wished she could climb under the pile of coats at Jack’s office party and curl up with Charlie.Together, they could block out the rest of the world.
Chapter Nineteen
Charlie crunched her boots against the leaves. A veil of frost covered the hard ground. Despite the orange glow of the winter sun breaking through the blue sky, her breath clouds gathered in the air. The walk was familiar. She had looked after her colleague’s cats for the past three years. She loved to escape after the busyness of Christmas week to their country house. She could decompress and plan for the year ahead.
This year, there was no such clarity. Charlie glanced towards Elda, her cheeks peeking out from her scarf as they stomped through a sloping field to pick up a footpath. “You made any resolutions this year?”
Elda pulled her scarf up towards her ears. “Maybe start with a decent job.” Her face flushed.
“You have a job. When do you start?” Charlie pulled Elda closer to avoid a foot-sized hole.
“It’s only a temp job. I start on Tuesday. I’m not looking forward to it, but I need the money, and I’ve got to get out of the house. I’m doing Jack’s head in.”
“It’ll be great. The teaching will be loads easier than back in France, and they might even give you a classroom or somewhere to paint.”
“Maybe, but I’m not holding my breath.”
“Once you’re in, you’ll wow them, and they won’t want to let you go.” Charlie gritted her teeth.Too much. Chill out.
Elda and Charlie had been talking on the phone most nights since the Christmas party. It hadn’t taken long to fall in sync, speaking in half sentences and filling the gaps. She’d invited Elda for the weekend away in a moment of impulse but hadn’t thought through how nervous she’d be with her in touching distance again.
“Thanks for bringing me out here. A break from the city is just what I needed,” said Elda.
“You’re doing me a favour. The cats are great company, but I don’t want to house sit alone. It’s a bit spooky out here on your own.”
“Big, strong Charlie, scared of the dark? I find that hard to believe.” Elda gave Charlie’s bicep a quick squeeze through her jacket. “It’s perfect, and it’s a chance for us to catch up properly.” Elda took a deep breath. “God, it’s so peaceful out here. Look at us.” She scooped up Charlie’s arm and pulled her close.
Blood rushed to Charlie’s cheeks, and she drew her arm away. She couldn’t handle more physical contact than was absolutely necessary. They walked and talked for another mile before Charlie pointed to a stile in the woods, and they went to climb it. Charlie held Elda’s gloved hand, taking her weight as she leaned in. She licked her lips, the ice-cold air stinging her skin.
She dusted off and steadied her breath, then they marched on a few hundred yards down a gravel track to a country pub.
“Is it closed?” Elda stood back from the faded sign, rubbing her hands together.
“There’s smoke coming from the chimney.” Charlie tried the door, and it creaked open.
They shuffled inside, and Charlie stripped off her layers of coat and jumper to bathe in the heat of the roaring fire. The smell of burning wood and stale beer filled the small room.
The bar stood at the back, nothing more than a wide shelf and two brass pumps. Half a dozen or so tables were dotted around. It was a homely place, empty except for a couple of old guys chatting over their tankards.
Charlie ordered while Elda chose a fireside table. Settled with two amber-coloured beers, Charlie rubbed at her stinging cheeks, and she wriggled her fingers to draw the blood back to the tips. “How have you been feeling this week?” Charlie bounced her knee with nerves.
“I’ve blocked out my mum’s Christmas meltdown, so I’m not too bad, all things considered.” Elda’s face softened, and she smiled and tilted her head. “I’m better now, here with you.”
Charlie’s back stiffened, and her stomach flipped. She remembered this feeling from before and tried to think of something else. “I’m glad. Nice beer too.” She forced a smile. “Your mum must be worried about you. My mum frets about me too. It just comes out in a weird way.”
“I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like worry. More like disappointment. She has a view of me that I’m not quite living up to.” Elda closed her eyes.
Charlie stayed silent. Half of her wanted Elda to open up in the space she left, while the other half wrestled with what to say.
“She’s always acted as though she has something to prove, you know? She raised me on her own, and if I’m successful, she’s validated. It’s not even about me being happy, just her being able to feel better about being a bit of a crap mum.”
