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He stopped walking and turned to face me. “Why would you think I don’t want you here?”
“You said you didn’t want me to come with you when Tanner called.”
“I only said that because I didn’t think you wanted to come to the hospital. I know you’ve seen enough of this place with your accident. I thought it would be hard for you.”
I breathed a sigh of relief as I stared up into his beautiful tired eyes. “How is your dad?”
“The doctor said that his body is slowing down. He’s been fighting this for so long. I don’t know how much he’s got left in him.”
I looked down at my feet as we started walking again. There were no words to say that could make this better. To make matters worse, things between us felt awkward – forced. I was unsure of how he felt after our kiss. It wasn’t the right time to bring it up, I knew, but my nerves would not simmer down until we talked about it. I wasn’t even sure what it all meant. Were we physically attracted to each other, or was it more than that? Would he want to be together, or keep it platonic? I tried to stay in the moment, and be present for Chase and his family.
In the café, he picked out a few items for Khloe and Tanner while I filled cups with coffee and tea. We were silent again on our walk back to the room. When we arrived, he stopped just outside the door. “I don’t want to stay in this room anymore. Let’s drop this stuff off and go sit in that area by the big window.”
“Sure.” I walked inside the room and handed Beverly her tea. Khloe was asleep in her arms. I set a cup of coffee on the windowsill next to Tanner. I didn’t bother to say anything, knowing he wouldn’t respond anyway.
“We’re going to be down the hall,” Chase whispered to his mother. “Call me if you need me.”
She nodded her head and reached out for my hand. “Thank you for being here,” she whispered.
I held on to her hand tightly before letting go and following Chase out the door.
We sat beside each other, staring out the big windows in the waiting area. The sky was pitch black in the dead of night, the moon covered by clouds. Chase watched the traffic below coming and going, while I watched his reflection in the window pane.
“What floor were you on when you were here?” His question finally broke the silence.
“Which time?”
“What do you mean? When else were you here?”
“My dad… he had lost so much blood when I came home and found him. I called 911 immediately and they rushed him to the hospital here. I didn’t expect them to, honestly. By the time they arrived, I had already accepted the fact that he was gone. In the ambulance they tried to keep him alive, but I knew he wouldn’t make it. Part of me didn’t want him to make it. It was obviously what he wanted, to die. I told him I loved him, and that I understood. I told him it was okay to leave me. By the time we got to the Emergency Room, he was gone.”
Chase’s eyes were filled with tears. I knew he was imagining how he would handle it when his father’s time came. “How did you do it? You were all alone. How did you handle that by yourself?”
“Obviously I didn’t handle it too well. I ended up in the hospital myself just a few days later.”
“You did the best you could. You’re still doing it now. You wake up every single day, tired from the demons you faced the night before, and you keep fighting. You lost your family. I don’t know how you survived.”
“I don’t know either. Getting through tough times is something that nobody ever teaches you how to do. You either pick yourself up, or you don’t.” I covered his hand with mine. “You will. You have your family – you will get through it together. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you will.”
“You’d think I would be ready for this. He’s been sick for so long, we’ve been preparing for this moment. I just keep feeling like I need more time.”
“Just because you know the outcome, doesn’t make you ready for it. Nothing can prepare you to lose your father.”
He quickly swiped a tear away with his thumb. “I didn’t know you found your dad… like that.”
I nodded and stared out the window at the sliver of the moon that was peeking out from behind the dark clouds. “I had called him on my way home from school that day. I was going to ask if he wanted anything particular for dinner that night. He didn’t eat much towards the end, so I figured if I could make him something he loved, it would perk him up a little. Sounds so stupid now.”
“It’s not stupid. You were trying.”
“He didn’t pick up, which was normal. I didn’t see him on the couch when I walked in, so I checked his bedroom. He slept a lot. I walked right past the bathroom. When he wasn’t in his bed, I realized the bathroom door was half-opened. He hadn’t showered in days, so I was actually excited that he might be in there cleaning up. He was lying in the tub.” I shook my head. “There was just so much blood.”
“Merritt, I am so unbelievably sorry that you had to see that.”
“I didn’t cry. I think I was too stunned by it. I knew he couldn’t go on like that forever. I often wondered how it would end.”
“You didn’t cry at the funeral, either.”
I turned my head to look at him. “How did you know that?”
