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It’s a dildo—the biggest I could find—in a conspicuous box addressed to him.
Not many friends will pretend that the mailman delivered a dildo to her that was addressed to him, creating a fake label and all. I feel sad for anyone who doesn’t have a Val in their lives.
After a few minutes, Val jogs back across the street, but she heads home instead of coming to my house so Grant doesn’t know it was me. He keeps his eyes on her until she disappears inside her house, and I wait on bated breath for her text.
My phone vibrates, and I press play on Val’s video.
Grant opens his door with his signature scowl in place. “Can I help you?”
Val holds out the box with a picture of a massive-sized hot pink dildo on the front. “This was delivered to me by accident.”
Grant’s eyes pop out of his head as his hands go up. “That isn’t mine.”
“Well, it’s addressed to you.” Val taps on the shipping label we printed out. “Grant Harper. That’s you, right?”
“No. I mean, yes, that’s me. Butthatisn’t mine.”
“Please, you don’t have to be embarrassed. Everyone uses these things nowadays.”
“I don’t.” He takes a step back, his eyes darting from the box to Val. “I didn’t order that.”
“Hmm. Maybe your daughter ordered it?”
Grant chokes on his spit and his face turns ten shades of red. “Nobody in this house ordered a…a…”
“Dildo.” Val raises her voice. “It’s called a dildo.”
He steps out onto the porch and closes his door behind him. “Lower your voice. I don’t want my daughter to hear you.”
“You know, masturbation is a totally normal thing for teenagers her age. Maybe she’s curious and—”
Grant snatches the box out of Val’s hand. “Get off my property. Now.”
Val doesn’t miss a beat. “Your secret’s safe with me, Grant.”
I clutch my stomach as I laugh and press Val’s name on my screen to call her.
“Hello, is this the academy calling?” she answers.
I laugh harder. “That was perfect. You were amazing. I didn’t even think to blame it on his daughter.”
“I’m great at ad libbing.”
“You missed your calling for sure.”
“He tossed it in his garbage can before he went back inside. I didn’t catch that part on camera though.”
“I’m going to save this video for the rest of my life. And watch it often.”
“His face got really red. I was almost concerned about his blood pressure.”
“Thank you so much for doing this. Seriously, Val. You’re a good friend.”
“I’ve got your back, kid.” She heaves a sigh. “I do worry about how far he’ll take this though. Like at what point does this end?”
The smile falls from my face as I sober. “I don’t know.”
How far am I willing to take this?
