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I don’t even remember going to the liquor store, but I know I need a shot of something strong to take the pain away from what I’m feeling right now with Mom’s news.
So I break my one cardinal rule before tomorrow's game because it’s all I can think to do. I just need my brain to stop. I need to stop thinking about the ‘what ifs,’ but all that keeps flashing through my mind is her surgery and the twenty to thirty-five percent survival rate she told me about.
I can’t believe this is happening.
I stop at the old place Emmerson and I parked as kids.
That night after prom flashes into my mind as I unscrew the lid on the bottle of Jack and take a swig. It’s been a while since I’ve drank straight whiskey.
I wince like a goddamn lightweight.
I know this isn't a good thing I’m doing, and I probably should call Emmerson.
She’s the only one who can make any of this any better. At least, that’s what my brain is telling me. She’s tried to call me a couple of times today, and several text messages have gone unanswered.
I pull out my cell and see her latest message.
Taylor, where are you? I just got homewith my parents. We saw your mom and dad. She told us what happened. Call me…
I wait until I’ve had a few more sips of the hard stuff. I don’t want to be drunk when I call her, but I do want to take the edge off… and it seems to be working.
I send her a message first, and I decide to call her when I get home.
I’m at the lake. I needed to think.
The phone rings a few moments later, but I throw it on the seat next to me. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want to just numb everything, dull it down like I do when I’m on the ice.
When I think about my mom not surviving this, I want to die. Tears prick my eyes at the thought of it. And what lies ahead. She’s so fucking strong.
Stronger than I could ever be. Mentally, she seems in a really good place.
If it were me, I don’t actually even know if I’d survive it.
I palm my eyes again. But now I’m alone I don’t have to hide. I can fucking cry if I want to.
And that’s what I do. I fucking cry, and it’s the first time I’ve cried in six years.
I remember the last time quite vividly, and I thought nothing could ever be as bad as that. I never knew until this point how wrong I could be.
CHAPTER24
Emmerson
A few hours earlier
Susie, Cindy, and I all get together with Maddie for brunch before we drop her off at the airport. It’s sad to see her go after having such a great week.
She couldn’t wait to tell the girls about her little date with Ashton, I already knew most of it beforehand of course.
“So are you going to tell us whatreallyhappened on your ‘stadium tour’ with Ashton Rivers?” Cindy prompts as we grab coffee and bagels at our favorite place.
“Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies!” Maddie cajoles. I know fine well that the sparks were flying.
She looks at me and grins. She’s more radiant than ever.
“He’s definitely a hottie,” Cindy agrees.
“They got along like a house on fire, you should have seen them.” I laugh, giving my friend a little poke in the ribs.
