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“I’m sorry,” I blurt out, eager to get to the point. I didn’t call for small talk, and she knows it, too. “I’m sorry that I didn’t stay and do therapy with you like you wanted. That I didn’t fight for us. I’m sorry that I blamed you and blamed myself and did everything fucking wrong. I feel responsible for so much, Valerie, and I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Very.”
Scarlett’s hand slides up and down my back again, soothing and calming. My eyes sting and there’s a lump in my throat, but through the struggle I hold it together.
“I know Cohen. I know you’re sorry. I’m sorry too. We aren’t bad people, we just had something really bad happen to us.”
“I shouldn’t have left. I should have fought for us,” I say, reliving moments in my mind. Arguments, tears, slammed doors, broken hearts.
She lets out another weighty sigh. “I could have done things differently, too. We were just… really messed up. And we did what we thought was right at the time.”
“I fucking left,” I spit out, remembering how I didn’t even go to the cemetery one last time. My skin itched, and all I could do was run. Run, go, disappear.
“I would have left you if you didn’t leave me. I knew you blamed me—”
“I didn’t. I mean,fuck,” I sigh, raking a hand down my face, battling anger and sadness, completely aware of Scarlett’s soft stroking up my back. “I did blame you, but after I stopped blaming you, I blamed myself. I should have gone with you on that trip, I should—”
Valerie takes over. “Stop. We didn’t do anything wrong, neither of us. Hindsight, you know what they say. But years of therapy have me sure of one thing: we didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. The only thing we can do is keep living, living so we can remember her. Our Addie.”
I choke on a sob, not trying to hold it in, not trying to be brave for Scarlett right now. At this moment, I need this. I need this final break so I can be rebuilt for good. And as Scarlett leans against my shoulder, holding my arm as I cry, I know she’ll be the one to do it. For the rest of my life.
Pulling my shit together, I finally ask through a sniffle, “Are you… are you happy now?”
Valerie’s voice is gentle, like she knows I could be shattered and she’s handling me with care. God, I don't want to be broken anymore. I really don’t.
“I am.” She clears her throat. “I recently remarried. We have a one-year old.”
I swallow that information, trying to imagine Valerie in a white dress with another man, holding a baby the same way she held Addie in her arms.
I can see it. And when I turn and look at Scarlett, I can see that for her, too. Only I’m there. And it’s our wedding, our baby in her arms.
“I’m happy for you, Valerie,” I say, truly fucking meaning it.
“Are you happy, Cohen? Are you with someone?” she asks. I slide my hand onto Scarlett’s thigh, pulling her leg tight to mine.
“I am. We aren’t married, but… we will be one day.”
Her happiness rattles through the line. “I’m glad, Cohen. I hope you’re happy, and we can always remember her. That’s where you and I exist now, in the memories we share of Addie.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Valerie,” I say, holding Scarlett’s leg way too fucking tight but God, just her warmth near me is making this call so much more palatable. “Thank you for talking to me.”
There’s quiet, and I think we’re both deciding how to end the call. Make offers to stay in touch? I don’t think either of us want that. Finally, she says, “You’re welcome. Take care of yourself, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, then add, “Goodbye, Valerie.”
“Goodbye Cohen.”
I know as the call evaporates from my screen, Valerie ending it first, that we just had the last conversation we’ll ever have. And the most healing.
I face Scarlett, eyes stinging from the heaviness of that call. “I needed to do that.”
“I know,” she murmurs. “I’m proud of you. And I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I say, meaning it more than I ever have. I wouldn’t have been in the place to seek out closure from Valerie if it weren’t for her. “Shower with me?” My body pulses, craving closeness, starved for her comforting touch.
She weaves our hands together. “Of course I will.”
Sushi is eaten with Scarlett in my lap, with my very eager cock stretched out inside her.
What started as something to bridge the gap between discomfort and comfort, has now bled into something intimate and erotic. Tonight, she sat in my lap after sucking my cock to get me full mast, which took under fifteen seconds. Then she told me she wanted to feel me inside her as I fed her, while she fedmethings she believed I needed to hear.
