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I wanted to comfort her, but I wasn’t sure how. “You are in an impossible situation. No one will blame you for doing whatever you must to survive. I’m sorry for keeping all of this from you. I knew if you were aware of my past, you’d never let me help you, and I don’t want you to die, Julia.” My heart ached at the thought. “I know this must hurt a lot more, considering your past, and I’m truly, deeply, sorry for that.”
Julia was quiet for a long time. Then, slowly, the fight drained out of her. “I can’t hold it against you. It’s your past, and it isn’t perfect, just like my past.” She paused, pressing her lips together. “My mom was a drug addict. After my dad died, she turned to drugs to cope. I was young, but not so young that I don’t remember what it was like before. She went through boyfriends often, most of whom beat her. She never let them touch us, but she was fair game. I don’t think she cared as long as she got her fix. I hated it. My sister and I were eventually taken into foster care, and most of those homes were just as bad, if not worse.”
She licked her lips. “One foster father beat me severely. I went to Dennis, that cop I told you about, and he helped get us out. He arrested my foster father and brought me down to the station to give a statement. I was talking with Mariah, my social worker, when Mom showed up. She’d found out about the attack somehow. She took one look at my face and went ballistic. She was high, of course, and she tried to kill my foster father while he was in custody.”
Julia paused, taking a deep breath. I waited, knowing she had more to say. “She couldn’t get near him in a building full of police, but she tried. She hugged me and cried and promised me she would protect me. My foster father was released on bail a few days later, and in a week, he was dead. No one could prove it was her. Her boyfriend gave her an alibi, and there were no witnesses. I never asked her if she did it.”
She took another deep breath. “I focused all my energy on making sure Alexi was fed and safe and happy. There’s a nine-year age gap between us. Keeping her safe was the most important thing. I would protect her from the abusive foster families, and I made sure she didn’t know how bad things really were. But then we were placed with a good family.
“You’d think things would’ve been better then, but they weren’t. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t have to keep Alexi safe. Iknewshe was safe; I knew this family cared for her and me both. All the stress caused by my mom had nowhere to go, nothing to hide behind. When this kid I knew asked if I wanted a smoke, I said yes. I mean, if it was so great that Mom would choose it over her family, then I thought the high must have been the best feeling on earth. Why else would she destroy her family?”
My heart hurt for her. She sounded so sad. I could only imagine the things she’d gone through as a child. “You got hooked.”
“Yes,” she nodded. “It felt good, at first, but it wasn’t enough. I started trying other stuff. I was good at hiding it, for well over a year, but, of course, my behavior was eventually noticed by my foster family. They tried to get through to me, but I ignored them. They called Dennis. He found me at a party and busted me. He and Mariah came down hard on me and knocked some sense into me. I went into a program and got clean. But I’m still an addict. I’m just an addict on hiatus.”
I swallowed and moved to stand in front of her. “Breaking an addiction is one of the hardest things you can do, and you did it.”
She refused to look at me. “I didn’t break it. One day I will relapse. It’s inevitable. Once an addict, always an addict.”
Her words sounded perfunctory, as if she had convinced herself a long time ago that they were true. She’d already let them defeat her. I frowned at her. “You don’t know that. You’ve gone how long sober? You never have to go back.”
“The only reason I stopped was for Alexi. Dennis told me if I was on drugs, I could never get custody of her once I was old enough. I couldn’t handle that. That’s what keeps me clean. I love Alexi so much, and she needs me. One day she won’t need me anymore.”
“That’s not true.” I put my hand on her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. “She will always need you. As long as you have a reason to keep clean then you’ll never go back. You are in control of your life, not an addiction. You need to believe you’re strong enough to beat it.”
She sniffed. She didn’t seem convinced. “I don’t know. I usually try not to think about it. Mom has been addicted for so long I know she’ll never come back from it. Why should I be any different?”
“You aren’t her. You’re your own person. This may have defeated her, but it doesn’t have to defeat you. I believe you can do it. I believe you can do anything you put your mind to. You are a strong person, Julia. I’ve met few people stronger than you. Look at what you’ve been through, and here you stand, still fighting for what’s right. Why did you decide to be a cop?”
Her eyes closed. “Dennis. If it wasn’t for him, I know Alexi and I would be dead. He made such a difference in my life. I wanted to be able to make that same difference in someone else’s life. I wanted to do something to make the world a little bit better.”
I touched her chin, tilting her face up until her eyes met mine. “And that means you have a beautiful soul and a kind spirit. You are strong, and you’ve already helped people, and you will continue to do so. You won’t ever touch another drug. I believe that, unequivocally.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, and she blinked. “Why would you believe in me like that?” she whispered.
Words failed to come together to answer her. I smiled and shrugged. “Because I can see who you are. I can see the core of a person. It’s something I’ve always been able to do. I have faith in you.”
A tear leaked down her cheek, and I swiped it away with my thumb. I clasped her hand in mine, hoping to make her understand how serious I was. “Don’t let anyone ever make you feel weak. Your strength runs too deep.”
Neither of us spoke. We stared at each other, as though both waiting for the other to do or say something. I didn’t release her hand, and she didn’t take it back. After a few seconds, her eyes fell to my chest. They moved back and forth, studying my tattoos. Then, slowly, she lifted her free hand and traced one with her finger. It was a combination of symbols for wind, earth, and fire, and it was one of my favorite tattoos.
“What does this mean?” Her voice was quiet as she spoke.
“Balance. Wind and earth and fire. Each one has its place but when they combine, they enhance each other’s strengths. It is what it means to be Novem.”
Her eyes lifted back to mine. She inched forward and lifted her head. I knew she was going to kiss me. I didn’t stop her or try to encourage her. I waited, knowing instinctively that this was a step she needed to take herself.
And then her lips touched mine, light as a feather, and she lingered in my space. I touched her face and smoothed her hair back. I didn’t try to kiss her again, but I didn’t back away from her, either. I didn’t want to put space between us, but I also knew she needed to decide what she wanted, without my influence.
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and stepped back from me. She tried to pull her hand free, but I held onto it. “Don’t let go yet.”
Her hand stilled, and she gave me a torn look. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’ve already put you in a precarious position, and I know it’s easy for feelings to develop during traumatic events, and the last few days certainly qualify. Things like that almost never last.”
“Julia.” One side of my mouth quirked up. “Stop trying to talk yourself out of how you feel.”
A blush stole across her cheeks. “I just…I don’t do well with this kind of thing.”
“Well, I can’t say I do either.” I tugged her closer and wrapped my arms around her in a hug. “One step at a time. Okay?”
